Seed Money Street

Hi, I'm Elmo. 

How's Your Portfolio, Children of Privilege?

As PBS fans and many others already know, Sesame Street is moving. No, they're not uprooting the whole street to a new urban address, but rather moving the land breaking television show from PBS to a new home on premium cable channel HBO.

Children  whose parents can't afford HBO will still get to see Sesame Street on PBS but will see it a full nine months later than it airs on HBO, by which time they may be too old for it. It's just another example of the widening chasm between haves and have nots in America, which we may all fall into one day if we're not careful.

Here, kids, let's enjoy today's episode of the new Sesame Street:

Sunny Day

Sweepin' the Riff Raff Away 

On My Way to Where the Money is Green,

Won't you Tell Me How to Get, How to Get To

Seed Money Street!

"Hi, Boys and Girls of Privilege!  I'm Bert of the new Seed Money Street.  We'll be stopping by the country club for a round of golf a bit later--- can you spell golf, that's G ...O ...L ...EFFF! --- and visiting Kermit at his new job as a hedge fund manager on Wall Street, but first up let's say hello to my bestie and squash partner, Ernie!"

"Thanks, Bert.  Underprivileged Kids, today we'll be talking about vocational schools. And .... look who's here, it's 83 year old Bob McGrath!"

"Bert, I can't believe I've been relegated to the nine months later part of the show!"

"Bob, at your age in the media you're lucky not to be relegated to a movie starring Adam Sandler! Now a bit later, Underprivileged Kids, Bob is going to take all you on a tour of Shop Class. Why, here's the Count!"

"I am the Count. Being this is HBO, watch me count boobies!  One boob, two boobs, that makes one set of boobs! Hah, I'm getting the hang of HBO, Boys and Girls of Privilege:  two tits, four tits, two sets of titties! It's not porn, it's HBO." 

"Thanks, Count.  I'm Elmo.  You can tickle me but only if you're taking me out to an expensive dinner at 21 first. Look, here comes Big Bird!"

"Hi, Elmo.  Gotta run, Mr. Donald is chasing me!"

"And here's Mr. Donald.  Nice hair! Why are you chasing Big Bird?"

"I want to deport the son of a bitch!"

"Why?"

"We shouldn't let any big yellow birds into this country. Ever see the movie The Birds, Elmo?"

"Thanks, Mr. Donald.  Now let's say hello to Croissant Monster ...."

"Me want croissant!"

".... and Oscar the Grouch!"

"Goddamn welfare cheats!"

"And that's our Seed Money Street for today, Children of Privilege, brought to you by the letter E for Elite and the number one billion for the amount of money you should have when you're a grownup."

"And for you Underprivileged Kids, brought to you by the letter S for Schlepper and the number Zero.  Goodbye, boys and girls! I'm gonna go get me a look at the market now, it's been really off lately."

 Sunny Day

Sweepin' the Riff Raff Away ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's All, Folks!

Show business has recently  been rocked by revelations that both the puppeteer/voice actor behind Elmo from Sesame Street and the voice actor who's frequently played Charlie Brown have been accused of serious sexual/behavioral crimes and offenses. Now comes news of yet another such shocking situation!

Reliable sources have confirmed that  Mr. Elmer Fudd of Hollywood CA has filed sweeping criminal and civil charges in the Federal Court of the Southern District of California against Mr. Bugs Bunny, also from Hollywood CA, for stalking, harassment, assault with a lit firecracker, battery by gonging over the head,  attempted murder by painting a phony entrance to a building on the side of a wall, and unwelcome and overly wet and slobbery kissing on the lips!

In a prepared statement, Mr. Fudd said: 

"I am sick of contiwually being hit by mallets and anvils, fwattened like a pancake, having expwosives go off in my undershorts, and wepeatedly being sowicited in the most offensive manner imaginable by the words:

What's Up, Doc?

'What's Up, Doc?,' Mr. Bunny? You're NEVER gonna find out 'What's Up, Doc?, Mr. Bunny!!'  
 I'm not gay but even if I were I'm not interested in wabbits!!!"

Attorneys for Bugs Bunny have denied all of Mr. Fudd's claims, stating that it has in fact been Mr. Fudd stalking and harassing Mr. Bunny all along, usually with a double-barreled shotgun!  

Said Mr. Bunny:

"I'm not gay either, Doc, but even if I were I wouldn't be interested in Mr. Fudd.  I have it on very good authority that when you're talking about What's Up,  Doc!,  the best you can say about Mr. Fudd is...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that really is all, Folks!

It's a Quarter to Three ...

It's a quarter to three,  and there's no one in the place except you and me.  So set 'em up,  Joe ....

Joe: Okay, fellas, it's almost time to close up.  One more  for the road?

General Petraeus:  Sure, Joe.  Gimme a double scotch and pour another bourbon for my diminutive friend here.

Joe: Y'know, I never would have figured you for a scotch drinker, General.

General Petraeus:  Sure am, Joe.  Paula and I used to pound down the scotch until she'd go "Ready for that drone strike, General! Here's your coordinates!"

Joe: And you, young man, of all things --- a bourbon drinker!

Elmo:  Oh my yes,  Joseph!  Elmo been guzzling bourbon ever since Elmo start trolling gay bars in the Village back in the Seventies.  Elmo l0oooove sucking down the bourbon! 

Joe: Well,  glad you two found each other.  Shame what happened to you guys.

General Petraeus: I just can't believe it, Joe!  One day I'm running the entire Central Intelligence Agency, next day I can't get a call back from George Lazenby!

Elmo: You think that's bad, General?  Elmo called every homophobic name in the book by Bill Moyers!

General Petraeus: Say, Elmo, I need a job.  Think there's a place for an old military man on Sesame Street? 

Fade Out to >>>>>> 

[Sesame Street Theme Plays]

Big Bird:  Maria!  Luis!  

Maria: What is it, Big Bird?

Big Bird: Here comes General Dave.

Big Bird, Maria, Luis:  Hi, General Dave!

General Dave:  Hi, Everybody! I'm General Dave, the Fornicating General!  Today's show is brought to you by the Letter A for Adultery.  

Big Bird: And by the number 69.

Fade Back In.

Elmo:  Or what if Elmo decide to join the Army? 

Fade Out to >>>>>> 

[Army Fight Song Plays]

Soldier No. 1:  What are your orders, General Elmo?  

General Elmo: Men, our next tactical move will be to initiate a Surge!

Soldier No. 2:  A Surge, General? 

General Elmo: Yes,  a great big strong thrust forward, hard and straight and penetrating and deep  .... and...... and ....

Soldier No. 3:  General Elmo!  General Elmo!!!  What's wrong, sir?!!!!!

Fade Back In.

Joe: You know what you fellas should have learned from the messes you got yourself into?

General Petraeus: What's that, Joe?

Joe: Reason flies out the window when a man's pecker is straight.

Elmo: And that goes double for Elmo!

Joe:  All right, guys.  Closing time. 

Elmo:  Gracious thanks, Joseph!  C'mon, General .... Elmo and General go to hot after-hours club.  

General Petraeus: Know a good one, my furry little LGBT friend?

Elmo: Elmo sure do!  Same one Anthony Weiner and Lance Armstrong  get thrown out of every day at dawn.

General Petraeus:  Works for me.  Goodbye,  Joe. 

Joe:  Goodbye, fellas! 

Elmo:  Arrivederci, Joseph!

Joe:   Well, who knows, folks?  There just might be a sunny day for those two after all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elmo,  think I'm gonna be sick!       General just can't hold liquor like 
                                                                       Elmo. 

Big Bird, Eight Years Hence

I fairly well couldn't believe it!

Hurrying through the East Concourse of Suburban Station in downtown Philadelphia, I almost tripped over him.

"Big Bird!  What the hell happened to you?!!

"It was that damn first debate ... yes, it was that first debate ... that's when it all started, that first ...."  

"Talk sense, Big Bird.  That' s when what started?"

"Day One of his presidency, Mitt Romney swept through Sesame Street with a gang of street toughs.  Two big guys held Elmo on either side while Paul Ryan beat the .... it wasn't a pretty sight!"

"Oh, Big Bird, I didn't know."'

"That's nothing, what happened to David McCullough was even worse!"

"What could possibly be worse?" 

"You've seen Pulp Fiction?"

"But where's everyone who used to live on Sesame Street?"

"Romney and his thugs dispersed us to the four corners of the Earth.  It became known as The New Diaspora, only instead of with Jews it was with hand puppets."

"Why couldn't you get some kind of  job?"

"I'm an eight foot bird with the mind of a child,  genius!  The only thing I got offered was  Greeter in Vegas."

"Couldn't you have gone on the government dole like the other members of the 47%?"

"Are you nuts? President Romney talks all the time about how he hates our guts!"

"Yes, but isn't there something you could ...?

"Buddy, the only social program left is AFDCEO,  Aid to Families with  Dependent CEOs."

"Here, Big Bird. Take this."

"Seventy-five cents?  Thanks, Diamond Jim!"

"Now where are you going ?"

"Over to the West Concourse."

"Why?"

"More Republican riders there, way better handouts!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elmo have multiple contusions, broken bones,

 and a very battered ego.