Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The School for Evil Twins

Good morning, everyone!

This is the first class of your freshman introductory Being a Prick 101 here at the Diablo School for Evil Twins.   

If any of you are now realizing you are in the wrong class, please note that Cackling Malignantly is in Room 672 and Nailing the Good Twin's Girlfriend 201 is  across campus in the Sinestro Builging.

I'm your professor, Damian Malveo.  

Now each of you is the specific one-half of a set of twins who wishes to imperil  humankind to the brink of cataclysmic destruction. All your life you've been an annoying little twit, b
ut by the time you finish your education here you will so wicked and depraved you will be to your good twin like Paul Ryan is to the guy who used to be Paul Ryan!

Now, why be an Evil Twin?

1) Really cool music plays whenever we strut onto the scene.

2) Love the way our dedicated though half-witted lackey Bruno says "Right away, Boss!" 

3) Great fun to explain our evil plot to the good twin after demonically chortling "Now, Dear Brother, that you can no longer do anything to stop me,  ha-ha-ha-ha ...!"  

Class, I'm about to distribute a very special piece of  "Evil Twin Equipment."  Here are your dark black goatees, everyone! Some are flecked with gray, your choice; remember to wear them at all times to distinguish you from the good twin."

"Mr. Domer? You have a question." 

"What if my good twin has a goatee himself?"

"Good question, Mr. Domer. Then we add an eyepatch, jagged scar, or full- face Jack Palance mask.  All that is covered in Being a Prick 201.

Ready, everyone?   One, two, three...ADHERE!

Terrific!  All of you look really evil. Especially the women. 

Now here's a question for all of you to ponder:

Why should an evil twin never bind the good twin to a laser beam or perch them over a tank of piranhas and say "I will take my leave of you now; Goodbye, brother!" and then exit the room?"

"Because they might escape, Professor?"

"Very good, Plotkin!  Many evil twins make this mistake and the prisoner slips  away to thwart their dastardly plans. This will be on the mid-term.

Next question:  Why do evil twins never tie the good twin down and force them to listen to ABBA?"

"Because even we are not that cruel?"

"Absolutely right, Ms. Comstock! Even we are not that cruel."

Now class, we are going to spend the rest of our time today discussing how to fool your good twin into thinking the phrase "I know there is still good left in you, brother!" is actually starting to get to you.

Tomorrow, we'll focus on methods and techniques for Tricking the Good Twin's Dog into Thinking You're the Good Twin. This can be very valuable in getting your face licked to lure multiple characters to their doom!

And remember, everyone: Death Ray Class Monday at 10:00 sharp! Come prepared to destroy the city.  If you don't feel ready to destroy a major American city yet, please see me after class. 

We'll annihilate a small town like Havertown Pa and work up from there.


"And class, both you and your twin should check out Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  It WILL be on the Being a Prick 101 final!"


Anonymous said...

I'm assuming YOU are my evil twin (even though you were born eons before me). Mom told me they drowned you at birth, but I guess that anvil tied to your leg just wouldn't hold you to the bottom of the lake.

I wold love to see Trump's good twin show up and save the day, but I'm afraid the evil one has him locked away in the dungeon of one of his casinos.

Perry Block said...

Unfortunately Trump IS the good twin.