There's a Meeting Here Tonight

I've been doing this too damn long!

BREAKING NEWS!

And we have Breaking News!  We welcome our viewers in the United States and around the world, you're in the Situation Room!  

At this point I would normally mention my name "Wolf Blitzer" but I've been informed by Jeff Zucker that if I'm going to be kept on at CNN despite my advanced age I've got to comply with the youth demographic and begin calling myself "Cub Blitzer."

So, this is Cub Blitzer with Breaking News!

We have been reporting lately on a meeting held at Trump Tower on June 9th between four people - Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, and Russian attorney Natalia Veselnitskaya, who promised information from the Russian government harmful to Hillary Clinton.  
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We subsequently learned that there were at least eight people in the meeting on June 9th at Trump Tower.  In addition to Trump Jr., Kushner, Manafort, and Veselnitskaya, also in attendance were publicist Rob Goldstone, lobbyist Rinat Akhmetshin, a unnamed representative of the Russian family sponsoring the meeting, and a translator.

Now a reliable source close to CNN has reported that there were even more people in attendance at the meeting!

We have now learned that there were at least ten people in the meeting on June 9th at Trump Towers.  In addition to Trump Jr., Kushner, Manafort, Veselnitskaya, Akhmetshin, Goldstone, the family representative, and the translator, also in attendance were two members of the Bolshoi Ballet, Katerina Legsamovich and Boris Protrudickski.

It is not known if Legsamovich and Protrudickski danced at the meeting, but CNN has learned that they both looked quite fetching in their tight ballet pants.


MORE BREAKING NEWS!

This is Cub Blitzer with More Breaking News!

We have now learned that there were at least 13 people and one animal in the meeting on June 9th in Trump Towers!  In addition to Trump Jr., Kushner, Manafort, Veselnitskaya, Akhmetshin, Goldstone, the family representative, the translator, Legsamovich, and Protrudickski, also in attendance were three clowns from the Moscow Circus (Rudolph Krupskaya, Antonin Chekinski, and Sparkles) and Ivan the Dancing Bear, also from the Moscow Circus.  

It is not known if the Ivan the Dancing Bear danced at the meeting, but CNN has learned that he looked quite fetching in his tight ballet pants.


EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS! 

This is Cub Blitzer with Even More Breaking News!

We have now learned that there were at least 18 people and one animal in the meeting on June 9th in Trump Towers. In addition to Trump Jr., Kushner, Manafort, Veselnitskaya, Akhmetshin, Goldstone, the family representative, the translator, Legsamovich, Protrudickski, Krupskaya, Chekinski, Sparkles, and Ivan the Dancing Bear, also in attendance were right wing actor Kelsey Grammer and all four of his wives and ex-wives.

It is not known if Grammer's ex-wife Leigh-Anne Csuhany, a former exotic dancer, danced at the meeting, but CNN has learned that she looking incredibly fetching in her tight ballet pants!!!

This is amazing, folks!  How many more people can fit in a meeting room? This whole thing is getting to be like the Marx Brothers movie where a ridiculous number of people crowd into a state room!

BREAKING NEWS UP YOUR TUCHAS! 

This is Cub Blitzer with Breaking News Up Your Tuchas!

We have now learned that there were at least 22 people and one animal in the meeting on June 9th in Trump Towers. In addition to Trump Jr., Kushner, Manafort, Veselnitskaya, Akhmetshin, Goldstone, the family representative, the translator, Legsamovich, Protrudickski, Krupskaya, Chekinski, Sparkles, Ivan the Dancing Bear, and Kelsey Grammer and all four of his wives and ex-wives, also in attendance were the four Marx Brothers.

It is known that none of the Marx Brothers danced at the meeting,  and nobody looked fetching, not even Zeppo.

A FUCKING SHITLOAD OF BREAKING NEWS!

This is Cub Blitzer with A Fucking Shitload of Breaking News!

I am worn out.

We have now learned that there were at least 270 people and one animal in the meeting on June 9th in Trump Towers. In addition to Trump Jr., Kushner, Manafort, Veselnitskaya, Akhmetshin, Goldstone, the family representative, the translator, Legsamovich, Protrudickski, Krupskaya, Chekinski, Sparkles, Ivan the Dancing Bear, Kelsey Grammer and all four of his wives and ex-wives, and the four Marx Brothers, also in attendance were all 248 Republicans in the House of Representatives.

It is not known whether any of the Republicans danced at the meeting, but CNN has learned they all looked absolutely ridiculous in their tight ballet pants.

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Ivan, will you testify in exchange for immunity?

Bizarre Eye Ailment Causes Republicans Not to See Elephant in the Room

     












A bizarre visual ailment has stricken Republican members of Congress!

The nation’s premier vision specialists seem powerless to diagnose or treat it.The strange affliction causes GOP lawmakers to be partially blind, wholly unable to see an enormous African elephant in the room holding a flag in its trunk proclaiming:

This Guy is Fucking Nuts!

Speaking to reporters, House Majority Leader Paul Ryan stated "What are you talking about, I don't see an elephant in the room!" when questioned about the enormous pachyderm in the room blowing water jetties directly into his face.

At yesterday’s Daily White House Briefing, Sean Spicer repeated over and over that he was sick and tired of answering questions about the "so-called" elephant in the room, even though the elephant was sitting on his chest causing Mr. Spicer to speak like the Christian Bale Batman.

Mr. Spicer eventually expelled several of his internal organs right into Jim Acosta's lap.

There is rumor that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell may be immune to this malady and has seen the elephant in the room. Despite denials, Mr. McConnell was caught on at least one occasion attempting to hide the elephant in the room in his neck jowls.

Oddly enough this terrible visual affliction has not affected Democratic lawmakers, who can all clearly see the elephant in the room and have reported the flag it is holding is now worded:

“Boy oh boy, is this guy fucking nuts!”

Meanwhile the nation waits for our suffering Republican lawmakers to recover the ability to see everything again, including the three ton elephant in the room. 

Will no Republican ever be able to see it?

We’re all waiting … and waiting ….

And waiting.

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Cold Snap!

Lately we've had a cold snap in the Philadelphia area, and yesterday it was so cold I actually saw a guy warming himself next to a Republican's heart.  I asked my son Brandon what had happened to global warming.

"Dad," said Brandon, "climate change doesn't mean it's never gonna be cold." 

"But I was banking on global warming to get me through a few more winters til I can retire someplace warm!"

"Someplace warm, Dad? You don't strike me as the Miami Beach type."

"No, I mean retire to Canada where I can get free health care.  I'm really banking on global warming!' 

Whether your local weatherperson calls it the Arctic Express, a Wintry Blast, or the Deep Freeze, temperatures hitting subterranean digits are Nature's way of telling us what a bunch of pansy asses we are compared to those who came before. Throughout history, people have lived through all kinds of weather in caves, tents, wigwams, igloos, and fecal-filled huts and hovels of every kind and description. 

Today, we nudge the thermostat up to 75 degrees because dang it, "our feet are just so darn tingly!"

Go outside?  Nah, what's the point?  Get the newspaper on the curb?  That's what the news babes on CNN are for!   Run to Super Fresh?  No, I've got a couple slices of kinda stale bread, half a can of Coke, and some peanut butter in the living room somewhere;  I'm good!

Comes the time when you absolutely positively must go outside and it's time to dress in layers. Time to put your long johns, undershirt,  turtleneck, sweater,  second sweater, two pairs of thick socks,  third sweater, additional pair of thick socks, hat and coat, and hat and coat, and woolen gloves your obsessive-compulsive aunt knitted you in the Sixties, and hat and coat.

Once you are finally finished wrapping and preparing yourself, you are at a loss to determine which of all of these layers about you represents your actual body. Why is itchy merino wool encasing my internal organs instead of skin? Why is there a zipper where my penis ought to be?

However, the careful preparation pays off handsomely.  Once outside,  it is so cold you can not only see your breath in front of your face, you can actually see it shivering!   But you, my friend, are toasty warm  during that arduous four and one-half second trot to the car and the turning on of the heat at full-blast.

Then you can begin removing the layers, one by one.

I guess maybe an occasional cold snap isn't such a bad thing.  It puts us in touch with what our forebears once endured and how truly privileged we are.  And maybe it also shows that global warming isn't quite as far along as we thought?

That would be great news for the planet, but not for me.  I was all set for Montreal, but I don't have a single white belt for Miami Beach.  

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Big Bird, Eight Years Hence

I fairly well couldn't believe it!

Hurrying through the East Concourse of Suburban Station in downtown Philadelphia, I almost tripped over him.

"Big Bird!  What the hell happened to you?!!

"It was that damn first debate ... yes, it was that first debate ... that's when it all started, that first ...."  

"Talk sense, Big Bird.  That' s when what started?"

"Day One of his presidency, Mitt Romney swept through Sesame Street with a gang of street toughs.  Two big guys held Elmo on either side while Paul Ryan beat the .... it wasn't a pretty sight!"

"Oh, Big Bird, I didn't know."'

"That's nothing, what happened to David McCullough was even worse!"

"What could possibly be worse?" 

"You've seen Pulp Fiction?"

"But where's everyone who used to live on Sesame Street?"

"Romney and his thugs dispersed us to the four corners of the Earth.  It became known as The New Diaspora, only instead of with Jews it was with hand puppets."

"Why couldn't you get some kind of  job?"

"I'm an eight foot bird with the mind of a child,  genius!  The only thing I got offered was  Greeter in Vegas."

"Couldn't you have gone on the government dole like the other members of the 47%?"

"Are you nuts? President Romney talks all the time about how he hates our guts!"

"Yes, but isn't there something you could ...?

"Buddy, the only social program left is AFDCEO,  Aid to Families with  Dependent CEOs."

"Here, Big Bird. Take this."

"Seventy-five cents?  Thanks, Diamond Jim!"

"Now where are you going ?"

"Over to the West Concourse."

"Why?"

"More Republican riders there, way better handouts!"

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Elmo have multiple contusions, broken bones,

 and a very battered ego.

Watch Out: It's Slugger Mitt!

Watch out, Dems!

 I slightly dented the cover off the ball.

As the Democratic National Convention opened yesterday in Charlotte NC, Republican strategists were crowing about how the listless and passionless DNC fell far short of the heart-stopping thrills-a-poppin' excitement generated by last week's Republican National Convention.

"When it comes to getting the pulse racing," said GOP operative  Mary Matalin," you just can't beat overweight middle-aged white guys from the Bible Belt!"

"After watching Michelle Obama stumble through her incoherent mess of a speech in that wooden style of hers," beamed  Karl Rove, "Democrats must concede they have no one can match the charm and charisma of our powerhouse candidate Governor Mitt Romney!" 

"When he spoke last week,  Mitt really hit it into the park!" crowed Rove.  "He might  have even stretched it to a double if the pitcher had bobbled that smash bunt of his."

GOP adviser Ed Gillespie proudly pointed to the dynamic performance of rising Republican superstar Marco Rubio who movingly and verbosely invoked the spirit of the American Dream, "which is legally owned by Republicans."  

"Senator Rubio's slightly overlong nomination speech --- which is still on-going on and running  simultaneously with the entire Democratic National Convention ---  is sure to drive millions of viewers away from Bill Clinton's DNC address tonight.   Hah, bet Clinton's speech will be about as exciting as an interview with an empty chair!"

"Go ahead, Dems," said all three Republican pundits,  "Make my Day!"

Uh-oh,  my fellow Democrats ...

Here comes Slugger Mitt! 

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Last Night at the DNC 

The New Negative

George Pristine wants your vote for State Senator from the 11th District of our state. 

But what has George Pristine done to earn your vote?

Documented Fact:  Eight years ago, when George Pristine ran for County Commissioner, he called his opponent, Bill Flipper, a fine man and effective County Treasurer.  George Pristine said the County would be well served if they chose to elect either Flipper or himself as Commissioner.

Documented Fact:  Four years ago, when George Pristine ran for state legislature, he called his opponent, Haley Bailey, a hard-working and principled member of state government and said the only difference between Bailey and himself was their views on certain technical issues of state governance.  

The verdict is in --- George Pristine refuses to engage in below the belt, mud-slinging, negative advertising!  

The kind of advertising you want.

The kind of advertising you deserve!

Now George Pristine even refuses to attack Frank Sleazy, his opponent for State Senator in the 11th District.

And Frank Sleazy is a convicted embezzler, tax cheat, and alcoholic whose only desire in being elected is to use the trappings of office to nail as many babes as possible and to park his state-funded vehicle wherever in the hell he damn well pleases!

But what does George Pristine have to say about Frank Sleazy? 

In the March 4 issue of the Daily Blister,  George Pristine called Mr. Sleazy an informed and articulate  spokesperson for the opposing party whom he looked forward to meeting in a free, fair, and open debate on the issues.   

Informed and articulate? About the only thing Mr. Sleazy is informed and articulate about is where to score  the cheapest price on Jack Daniels!   C'mon, Mr. Pristine, pick up a mudpie and throw it, willya? 

George Pristine --- he won't play the game!

Frank Sleazy  --- he'll lie, distort, cheat, mislead, and slander. 

And you love it!

Vote  Frank  Sleazy for State Senator!

"I'm Frank Sleazy and I approve this message. 

I also approve any other message which explains that my opponent George Pristine is a womanizing, drug-dealing, Communist scumbag who will come in the night for your wives, daughters, husbands, sons, and pets! 

Oh yeah, he's also a Muslim like his personal hero and fellow traveler Barack Hussein Obama-Rama! 

Say, wanna have a  drink?"  

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