Bizarre Eye Ailment Causes Republicans Not to See Elephant in the Room

     












A bizarre visual ailment has stricken Republican members of Congress!

The nation’s premier vision specialists seem powerless to diagnose or treat it.The strange affliction causes GOP lawmakers to be partially blind, wholly unable to see an enormous African elephant in the room holding a flag in its trunk proclaiming:

This Guy is Fucking Nuts!

Speaking to reporters, House Majority Leader Paul Ryan stated "What are you talking about, I don't see an elephant in the room!" when questioned about the enormous pachyderm in the room blowing water jetties directly into his face.

At yesterday’s Daily White House Briefing, Sean Spicer repeated over and over that he was sick and tired of answering questions about the "so-called" elephant in the room, even though the elephant was sitting on his chest causing Mr. Spicer to speak like the Christian Bale Batman.

Mr. Spicer eventually expelled several of his internal organs right into Jim Acosta's lap.

There is rumor that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell may be immune to this malady and has seen the elephant in the room. Despite denials, Mr. McConnell was caught on at least one occasion attempting to hide the elephant in the room in his neck jowls.

Oddly enough this terrible visual affliction has not affected Democratic lawmakers, who can all clearly see the elephant in the room and have reported the flag it is holding is now worded:

“Boy oh boy, is this guy fucking nuts!”

Meanwhile the nation waits for our suffering Republican lawmakers to recover the ability to see everything again, including the three ton elephant in the room. 

Will no Republican ever be able to see it?

We’re all waiting … and waiting ….

And waiting.

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Oh, Pardon Me!

Speaking jointly today, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner blasted President Obama for his announced intention to utilize Executive Authority to accomplish one of his major stated goals before the end of 2014.

"Here we are witnessing another shameless power grab by this Imperial President," said Speaker Boehner. "Nowhere in the Constitution is authority given to the President of the United States to pardon a turkey!  Not on Thanksgiving, not on Ronald Reagan's Birthday, not on any day."

"If he can pardon a turkey without Congressional action,"  added Mr. McConnell, "can he pardon a chicken?  What about shellfish?  There's no end to it!"

Both men were adamant that the pardoning of any form of wildlife must be approved by Congress after the selected animal has first been thoroughly vetted by the House Wildlife and Fisheries Committee.  "Prior to any pardon being granted,"  said Mr. McConnell,"Congress must be satisfied that the turkey is not a socialist, a Communist, or especially tasty."

"If the President persists in his current reckless behavior,"  Mr. Boehner and Mr. McConnell warned "he and the turkey are in for a very rude awakening!"

By day's end former Republican governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had weighed in on the controversy as well.  "From the window of my house," said Palin, "I can see Turkey." *

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*In fairness, Palin never said she could see Russia from her house in Alaska. What she said was "you can actually see Russia from an island in Alaska," which is accurate.