This time of year, many of us stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings we enjoy.
It’s a lovely practice, and one I’d appreciate a lot more if so many people did not stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings they enjoy when they’re driving right the hell in front of me on the expressway!
Nevertheless I have a few things to give thanks for myself, and I’d like to share them with you now --- as if you give a crap!
I am thankful:
1. That clothing was invented. Otherwise every novel ever written would include the words “he averted his eyes” five or six times per page.
2. That Life does not feature a large permanent dunk tank. Imagine being submerged in freezing cold water every time you leave the toilet seat up!
3. That the act of shaking hands does not emit a low farting noise. I have enough trouble meeting people as it is.
4. That even though I’m about as old as Sally Field and my health is generally lousy, I apparently have no need for and don’t even know WTF Boniva is!
5. For those happy times building sand castles on the beach with my son, especially on the days when a guy named Bruno from Building Trades Council No.87 doesn’t come by and flatten them because he’s pissed we use non-union labor!
6. That parking lots were invented, because if there were none --- with my parallel parking skills --- I’d be in the car 17-18 hours a day.
7. That when somebody around the dinner table says “hey, let’s all share together what each of us is most thankful for!” my immediate thoughts about what I’d like to have happen to that person are not acted upon by God.
8. For HBO, without which I would never see a naked woman.
9. That spiders have never developed the capability to enrich uranium.
10. That we are so fortunate to live in those precise time and space coordinates in the history of all of creation and of the entire universe when and where there is Meryl Streep.
And so, for all these wonderful blessings, I hereby tender my most tender and juicy thanks!
Here’s hoping you have similar reasons to give thanks during this festive season, and that you don’t royally screw them all up in 2011.
Happy Holidays, Everybody!