The Schizophrenic Blogger

If  ever I win one of those cutesy blogging awards people give out which enable recipients thereof to call themselves 'award-winning bloggers'* without ever having been within boobs-length of Seth MacFarlane, it ought for sure to be

The Schizophrenic

 Blogger Award

except for the fact they don't actually have one of those.

You see, seven days out of the week my blog posts are about as popular as the writing staff at The Onion is with the National Organization for Women.  I've got to hang bacon outside my blog if I want to entice anyone to enter, and once anyone's inside I've got to hurtle myself at their feet to get them to leave a comment, even if it's only "let the hell go of my feet!"

If I get any comments at all, I'm lucky to get: 

 I only clicked on yer link because I thought maybe there'd be pictures of cute kittens, loser!

But on the eighth day of the week, all that is blissfully forgotten. On the eighth day of the week glowing kudos-laden comments flow beneath my blog posts like riverlets of wine, albeit only the cheap kind in a carton you and I can afford.   On the eighth day of the week, I am suddenly ....  

POPULAR!

What's changed? Frankly, my humor writing is still about as funny as a descriptive passage from "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad.  No, what's changed is not the writing but the fact that I am now a card-carrying member of the Friday Fictioneers.

The Fictioneers, under the direction of Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, is an internet group of some one hundred writers who every Friday (or thereinabouts) write a 100 (or thereinabouts) word flash fiction story based on a picture prompt posted earlier in the week.  And in the incestuous community of the Fictioneers, most members write weekly comments to each other supporting and mostly praising each other's posts.

And so, on a random Friday, I may receive 20-30-40 comments in the nature of:  

Great piece!  Loved the way you wrote in English and didn't spill salsa all over the computer screen! 

What writing!  Brilliant from start to finish!  

(P.S. I'll write more after I've read it.) 

You're so funny!  'To get to the other side' joke slayed me.  Also you wrote in English, wonderful idea!

But a few days pass and I return to a regular blog post, and once again,  One is the Loneliest Number and most likely the onliest number that I'll ever do.  If there's a comment at all, about as good it gets is:

Thought this was kinda funny 'cept I was so wasted when I read it, man! 

 ... and so on through the week until comes another Friday and it's Roll Out the Barrel, We'll Have a Barrel of Fun 'til Monday when once again  Ah, Look at All The Lonely People but not to worry, Perry, because in a couple of days,  Happy Days are Here Again!  That is, until Monday next when Just Me and My Shadow demonstrate once more why I am uniquely qualified to win The Schizophrenic Blogger Award,  if only they actually had one of those.

But how long can I live his dual life, this two-face of a blogger's existence?   It seems that I must choose.  Do I remain within the cushiony comfortable bubble of the Friday Fictioneers  forever or do I fess up to the unaided reality of a mostly comment-less seven days a week blogging existence?  And,  as a result, probably get myself a straight job as a meat inspector for IKEA? 

I've chosen.  

And know what, blogging world?

You like me, you really like me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Not to brag, but I actually am an Award-winning blogger, having netted the Versatile Blogger Award and Stylish Blogger Award  a few years back. When I win me a third award, I'm putting it on my stationery, business cards,  and voice-mail!  

And I still won't get any comments ...

Thanks, Big Guy!

Yep! I'm counting these!

This time of year, many of us stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings we enjoy.

It’s a lovely practice, and one I’d appreciate a lot more if so many people did not stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings they enjoy when they’re driving right the hell in front of me on the expressway!

Nevertheless I have a few things to give thanks for myself, and I’d like to share them with you now --- as if you give a crap!

I am thankful:

1. That clothing was invented. Otherwise every novel ever written would include the words “he averted his eyes” five or six times per page.

2. That Life does not feature a large permanent dunk tank. Imagine being submerged in freezing cold water every time you leave the toilet seat up!

3. That the act of shaking hands does not emit a low farting noise. I have enough trouble meeting people as it is.

4. That even though I’m about as old as Sally Field and my health is generally lousy, I apparently have no need for and don’t even know WTF Boniva is!

5. For those happy times building sand castles on the beach with my son, especially on the days when a guy named Bruno from Building Trades Council No.87 doesn’t come by and flatten them because he’s pissed we use non-union labor!

6. That parking lots were invented, because if there were none --- with my parallel parking skills --- I’d be in the car 17-18 hours a day.

7. That when somebody around the dinner table says “hey, let’s all share together what each of us is most thankful for!” my immediate thoughts about what I’d like to have happen to that person are not acted upon by God.

8. For HBO, without which I would never see a naked woman.

9. That spiders have never developed the capability to enrich uranium.

10. That we are so fortunate to live in those precise time and space coordinates in the history of all of creation and of the entire universe when and where there is Meryl Streep.

And so, for all these wonderful blessings, I hereby tender my most tender and juicy thanks!

Here’s hoping you have similar reasons to give thanks during this festive season, and that you don’t royally screw them all up in 2011.

Happy Holidays, Everybody!

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