Meryl Streep, resplendent in a black strapless evening gown, paused as she ripped the envelope asunder at the 2010 Versatile Blogger Awards Ceremony at Santa Monica's Eggland's Best Eggs Center.
“And the winner of The “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award,” Ms. Streep began “is ....
"No! No! Not THAT loser!!!”
Gasping for breath, Ms. Streep’s eyes met mine! All four of them exchanged cards, discovered they all vastly prefer when it’s better this way rather than better THIS way, and decided to meet for lunch on Thursday, splitting the check four ways.
“That loser?!” I bristled. “She’s got to mean me! But then … then that must mean I’m actually…. a winner!”
I was on the edge of my seat! That's because I could only afford ¼ of a seat in the posh Eggland's Best Eggs Center, which wouldn’t have so bad had not 350 lb. Bruno Haldecker purchased the remaining ¾ of the seat.
“I hope ya win the stupid award, loser,” he wheezed, “so I can get me a couple a minutes on da damn seat alone!”
But I’ve gotten ahead of myself. Which is not surprising as I remember passing myself a couple of miles back on I-95; boy, I had a lot of nerve driving so slowly in the left lane!
It all began last November. My life filled to the brim with meaningful vocational and recreational endeavors and richly satisfying social intercourse with peers, colleagues, and close compadres, I decided the time was ripe to spend 7 - 8 hours a day on Twitter.
Ahh, yes, I well remember my first tweet:
“Twitter is the dirtiest sounding clean word in the English language.”
LMAO!!! If I do LMAO so myself!
I was tweeting my profundities at that time into a vast empty expanse of a Twitterverse ---similar to what I imagine to be the nature of the actual Universe, except the Twitterverse has order and purpose and a deity named Ashton Kutcher.
Before long, my first Twitterpal arrived in the form of a company that prints coupons for laundry detergent. Thrilled to have a follower at last, I began communicating frenetically through a series of warm, sensitive, and caring Direct Messages (also known as DMs, though I can’t for the life of me fathom why.) Friendship formed, then love. I pray our scheduled June wedding is still on, but I can’t confirm it because the coupon company has since unfollowed.
More Twitter friends arrived: foreign folk tweeting in a language composed of letters shaped like medieval implements of torture, Twitter sites featuring no tweets, 8,437 followers, and avatars created for the express purpose of eliciting enough male semen to flood a small city, and dudes who think Barak Obama is not only the agent of Satan but that he's screwing Satan by taking way too high a percentage!
In time, however, I began to obtain honest-to-goodness legit followers based on my perfection of the “Guilt Follow,” which proved so immensely successful at inflicting guilt in me that I have since confessed to virtually every felony ever committed in the city of Philadelphia.
Then one day I had an overpowering urge to blog! After I drank a quart of Mylanta and pulled my head out of the toilet, I had another overpowering urge, this time to create a web page of my own unedited writings --- which curiously enough is referred to by a word that when spoken aloud makes the same disgusting sound as my earlier overpowering urge!
Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute hit the web in January 2010. Early postings like The Lint in Your Navel: Friend or Foe? and The Short Lousy Life of Harry Truckman failed to connect with readers, but I later scored mightily with:
1) Actuaries I Have Loved,
2) So What Do You Feel Like Doing Tonight, Nostradamus?, in which I postulated that the entire body of Nostradamus’ prophecy foretells with stunning accuracy events in the life of actor Ernest Borgnine, and my masterpiece
3) Gherkins! Gherkins!! GHERKINS!!!
And then in a stunning moment, I was nominated for The 2010 Versatile Blogger “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award. Y’ see, folks, virtually every blog on the internet concerns itself with either vampires or the blogger’s unshakable conviction that nothing's more entertaining to total strangers than tales of how the family's delightful third grader got ptomaine from Salisbury Steak served by Helga, the toothless lunch lady.
Since my blog had at no time employed the expressions “blood spouted from every orifice,” “his severed member,” or “wifey now nuzzling me towards bed (*wink*)” my nomination --- along with that of three other misguidedly themed blogs --- was assuredly assured.
Now let’s return to the Eggland's Best Eggs Center and gracious awards presenter Ms. Meryl Streep.
“And the winner of The “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award," Ms. Streep uttered into the microphone " is ... is ... is .....
"No! No! Not THAT!!! Loser! Loser!! I'M A LOSER???!!
Stamping her feet like Rumplestiltskin when his secret name was outed (and when he was later outed that second time as well), Ms. Streep managed to catch hold of herself.
"Yeah ... OK ... sure," she announced shakily, "the winner is Perry Block for his misguidedly themed blog, Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.”
I leapt high in the air (what else was I going to leap high into --- a vat of Hellman’s Mayonnaise?), and as Bruno Haldecker expanded like Jabba the Hut across the whole of Seat 87 ZZ, I bounded to the podium. Prying the tarnished pewter statuette from Ms Streep’s rigid and highly resistant hands, I had a sudden impulse.
I kicked her hard in her left shin.
“What was that for?” she thundered!
“That’s for Mamma Mia, you whore!” I shot back.
Then I proceeded to thank everyone I have ever known in life, which took a full 17 seconds because I prefaced my thanks with a long and boring anecdote.
Well, guess it’s time I advise you that the award-winning experience I’ve just shared has been lightly fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Namely none of this ridiculous stuff ever happened. Did I have ya goin'?
I was actually awarded the Versatile Blogger Award (along with a number of great bloggers) by a very cool and talented writer, Julie Musil, who’s on Twitter at @JulieMusil. Her blog is Writing and Blogging between Carpools.
Thank you very much, Julie!
And as my true presenter, thank you also for having absolutely nothing to do with any version --- stage, screen, or otherwise ---- of Mamma Mia!
The Versatile Blogger Award comes with a few select and distinguished duties that the recipient must perform. I will shortly handle them with aplomb and dignity.
And I promise I won't call anyone else a four letter word name in the doing!
This one is definitely a winner. Meryl Streep would agree and throw her arms around you as you walked to the podium. She'd kiss you on both cheeks and mutter something udner her breath that would leave the entire TV home audience wondering what she said.
Because you were not raised with nuns, you FORGOT that Meryl is not only a trollop, but can be a VINDICTIVE nun! (Doubt)
You're in big trouble, boychick...
Oh, and congrats on being so versatile!
I notice that no Meryl Streep film shows on your list of film favorites. That in spite of the fact that you list "Dude, Where's My Car?" and "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" as all time favorites.
Actually I love those two films as well. I alway cry at the end of "Dude, Where's My Car?"
But I also appreciate Streep and admire the fact that her resume is so prolific sometimes I feel as if I'm living with her. BUT whatever possessed a multiple Academy Award-winning actress to denigrate herself to the point that she actually appears in public singing:
"YOU CAN DANCE, YOU CAN JIVE, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE,
SEE THAT GIRL, WATCH THAT SCENE, DIGGIN' THE DANCING QUEEN."
If I found myself singing that in the shower, I would fully hope my house would be condemned.
Otherwise, I'd like thank the Academy, my brilliant director and alter ego, Bardoron5, and Ms. Streep for this wonderful award. Now where the hell are the after parties?!!
I did see her in "Doubt" and she and Phillip Seymour Hoffman were great. Exactly the type of movie she should be doing! I sent her a personalized note advising her of such.
I expected a big fat check back in return for such invaluable career advice, but got nothing. I think this is the problem with Ms. Streep. She uses talented people like us to get to the top and then discards us in favor of ABBA.
By the way, I sent ABBA a note some years ago to get the hell out of show business. They didn't listen either!
Thanks again, Marisa. See you soon in the regular stream.
For the record, I like Mamma Mia. I think I even shed some tears watching the movie. And you would have played the part of James bond well...oh, I meant Perry Brosnan...!
And ABBA is a legend. I doubt if any other music group can carry those full body sequined costumes and belt Summer Night City that well. Not a chance.
When the night comes with the action
I just know its time to go
Can't resist the strange attraction
From that giant dynamo
Lots to take and lots to give
Time to breath and time to leave
Like I said, Melinda, I just love ABBA!
The Beatles? Huh! John Lennon always looked like crap in sequins!
Yes, I am shamelessly pandering in the very same way I criticized Meryl Streep for shamelessly pandering. Maybe I'll run out and pick up some shame later at Rite Aid and try to work it in a bit with my pandering.
Anyway, I respect everybody's right to like whomever they like, musically or otherwise. And especially when it's somebody's right like your right, Melinda!
Of course if you eat cheese, that's another story!
I'm just humbled and exceedingly honored to be saying...Congratulations. I thought I was the only one who had no bloodsucking in my blog.
Oh, and congrats for that award thingy, too. Streep told me is was no big deal, but now I see she was just blowing smoke. Sometimes she can be so Susan Luccified.
Love it! That was awesome!
Thanks for the congratulations, but your blog contains no blood-sucking? I beg to differ!
I cite the following exchange from your recent story "Grover and Melly Go for the Jugular." I have annotated it to show how you're not fooling anybody...
“I don’t think my bosoms are going to go through,” she whispered loudly. (Bosoms = sexuality, a mainstay of modern vampiric lore.)
The light glinted off Grover’s teeth (Light glinting off teeth - clearly vampiric!) as he grinned.(Grinning - clearly vampiric!)
“You always were a fine looking woman, Melvina.” (Fine looking? He means her neck is fine looking! And the name "Melvina?" Reminiscent of "Elvira," don't you think?)
She slapped away his groping fingers. (More sexuality yet! You were gunning for a series on HBO, weren't you, kd?)
“You just hang onto my hands!” she said. (This is a clear typo; you meant to write "fangs.")
I don't mean to be critical. The world needs another 237,859th blog about vampires. Just don't try to muscle me out of any nominations for the 2011 "Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain't Our Family Wacky" Catch-All Category Award!
Thank you! Your award was awesome!
Wow, your account of the banquet (it was a banquet, wasn't it?) makes me glad I've been writing a blogpost with vampirish blood in it for about a month. I've already revised it 30 times. I hope to have it posted before the next “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Whacky?” Catch-all Category Award Ceremony. I don't think I could take it.
Actually you're right, it was a banquet, although Bruno Haldecker ate all the food apportioned for Seat 857 ZZ. And for rows ZZ through BBB.
Looking forward to your upcoming vampiric blogpost, although I personally am staying the course, thematic-wise. I've thought about trotting out a character who's appeared occasionally in my Twitter stream known as "The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer." However, he's over 800 years old and looks better than me, so the hell with him!
Besides, I figure I can bore the ass off my readers just as readily with or without vampires!
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