Meryl Streep, resplendent in a black strapless evening gown, paused as she ripped the envelope asunder at the 2010 Versatile Blogger Awards Ceremony at Santa Monica's Eggland's Best Eggs Center.
“And the winner of The “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award,” Ms. Streep began “is ....
"No! No! Not THAT loser!!!”
Gasping for breath, Ms. Streep’s eyes met mine! All four of them exchanged cards, discovered they all vastly prefer when it’s better this way rather than better THIS way, and decided to meet for lunch on Thursday, splitting the check four ways.
“That loser?!” I bristled. “She’s got to mean me! But then … then that must mean I’m actually…. a winner!”
I was on the edge of my seat! That's because I could only afford ¼ of a seat in the posh Eggland's Best Eggs Center, which wouldn’t have so bad had not 350 lb. Bruno Haldecker purchased the remaining ¾ of the seat.
“I hope ya win the stupid award, loser,” he wheezed, “so I can get me a couple a minutes on da damn seat alone!”
But I’ve gotten ahead of myself. Which is not surprising as I remember passing myself a couple of miles back on I-95; boy, I had a lot of nerve driving so slowly in the left lane!
It all began last November. My life filled to the brim with meaningful vocational and recreational endeavors and richly satisfying social intercourse with peers, colleagues, and close compadres, I decided the time was ripe to spend 7 - 8 hours a day on Twitter.
Ahh, yes, I well remember my first tweet:
“Twitter is the dirtiest sounding clean word in the English language.”
LMAO!!! If I do LMAO so myself!
I was tweeting my profundities at that time into a vast empty expanse of a Twitterverse ---similar to what I imagine to be the nature of the actual Universe, except the Twitterverse has order and purpose and a deity named Ashton Kutcher.
Before long, my first Twitterpal arrived in the form of a company that prints coupons for laundry detergent. Thrilled to have a follower at last, I began communicating frenetically through a series of warm, sensitive, and caring Direct Messages (also known as DMs, though I can’t for the life of me fathom why.) Friendship formed, then love. I pray our scheduled June wedding is still on, but I can’t confirm it because the coupon company has since unfollowed.
More Twitter friends arrived: foreign folk tweeting in a language composed of letters shaped like medieval implements of torture, Twitter sites featuring no tweets, 8,437 followers, and avatars created for the express purpose of eliciting enough male semen to flood a small city, and dudes who think Barak Obama is not only the agent of Satan but that he's screwing Satan by taking way too high a percentage!
In time, however, I began to obtain honest-to-goodness legit followers based on my perfection of the “Guilt Follow,” which proved so immensely successful at inflicting guilt in me that I have since confessed to virtually every felony ever committed in the city of Philadelphia.
Then one day I had an overpowering urge to blog! After I drank a quart of Mylanta and pulled my head out of the toilet, I had another overpowering urge, this time to create a web page of my own unedited writings --- which curiously enough is referred to by a word that when spoken aloud makes the same disgusting sound as my earlier overpowering urge!
Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute hit the web in January 2010. Early postings like The Lint in Your Navel: Friend or Foe? and The Short Lousy Life of Harry Truckman failed to connect with readers, but I later scored mightily with:
1) Actuaries I Have Loved,
2) So What Do You Feel Like Doing Tonight, Nostradamus?, in which I postulated that the entire body of Nostradamus’ prophecy foretells with stunning accuracy events in the life of actor Ernest Borgnine, and my masterpiece
3) Gherkins! Gherkins!! GHERKINS!!!
And then in a stunning moment, I was nominated for The 2010 Versatile Blogger “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award. Y’ see, folks, virtually every blog on the internet concerns itself with either vampires or the blogger’s unshakable conviction that nothing's more entertaining to total strangers than tales of how the family's delightful third grader got ptomaine from Salisbury Steak served by Helga, the toothless lunch lady.
Since my blog had at no time employed the expressions “blood spouted from every orifice,” “his severed member,” or “wifey now nuzzling me towards bed (*wink*)” my nomination --- along with that of three other misguidedly themed blogs --- was assuredly assured.
Now let’s return to the Eggland's Best Eggs Center and gracious awards presenter Ms. Meryl Streep.
“And the winner of The “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award," Ms. Streep uttered into the microphone " is ... is ... is .....
"No! No! Not THAT!!! Loser! Loser!! I'M A LOSER???!!
Stamping her feet like Rumplestiltskin when his secret name was outed (and when he was later outed that second time as well), Ms. Streep managed to catch hold of herself.
"Yeah ... OK ... sure," she announced shakily, "the winner is Perry Block for his misguidedly themed blog, Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.”
I leapt high in the air (what else was I going to leap high into --- a vat of Hellman’s Mayonnaise?), and as Bruno Haldecker expanded like Jabba the Hut across the whole of Seat 87 ZZ, I bounded to the podium. Prying the tarnished pewter statuette from Ms Streep’s rigid and highly resistant hands, I had a sudden impulse.
I kicked her hard in her left shin.
“What was that for?” she thundered!
“That’s for Mamma Mia, you whore!” I shot back.
Then I proceeded to thank everyone I have ever known in life, which took a full 17 seconds because I prefaced my thanks with a long and boring anecdote.
Well, guess it’s time I advise you that the award-winning experience I’ve just shared has been lightly fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Namely none of this ridiculous stuff ever happened. Did I have ya goin'?
I was actually awarded the Versatile Blogger Award (along with a number of great bloggers) by a very cool and talented writer, Julie Musil, who’s on Twitter at @JulieMusil. Her blog is Writing and Blogging between Carpools.
Thank you very much, Julie!
And as my true presenter, thank you also for having absolutely nothing to do with any version --- stage, screen, or otherwise ---- of Mamma Mia!
The Versatile Blogger Award comes with a few select and distinguished duties that the recipient must perform. I will shortly handle them with aplomb and dignity.
And I promise I won't call anyone else a four letter word name in the doing!