Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A 'Canvassing A 'Canvassing for Clinton

Hint:  That's not me.

A couple of Saturdays ago, I went out a 'canvassing a 'canvassing for Clinton.  I wanted to do my part to make sure the depraved douchebag doesn't win, and I thought also maybe I'd be paired up with an attractive older (hint: but not as old as me) politically active woman.

I think things may have worked out a little bit better with the first goal than with the second.

I was dispatched out by headquarters all by my lonesome self to wrestle with the local body politic. We raw recruits were charged to visit those houses in which Democrats resided and importune them to answer a couple of pithy questions about the election.

Primarily we were to inquire of them the degree to which they supported Clinton on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being "We would sleep with her" and 1 being "I'd count the silverware when she leaves the house." There were a couple of other down ballot questions about candidates I'd never heard of which I generally dispensed with since I couldn't myself say whether I would sleep with some guy named Josh.

The two most important things I learned from my experience a'canvassing a' canvassing were:

1) Many Democrats have huge loud menacing dogs.  Some Republicans do as well.

2) Huge loud menacing dogs are intimidating even when nobody's home and the huge loud menacing dogs thrust themselves ferociously against the inside of the front door of the house till it vibrates.

As I set out with my clipboard, I soon realized that the houses I was to call on never seemed to be close to each other. Some were blocks away from others. Did I draw the worst Democratic territory outside of Trump's Mar-a-lago? 

"Hi," I chirped to the person opening the door at the first house.  "I'm a volunteer with the Democratic Party, I'd like to ask ...."

"I’ll give you an 8!" exclaimed the woman at the door excitedly. "And I’ll even sleep with Josh too!"

Well, I was off to a flying start. Onward to the next house, three or four blocks away.



Not exactly promising as I approached the front door of the next house. 

"Hi, I'm a volunteer with the Democratic Party, I'd like to ...."

"I'm for Trump!"    SLAM!     

Guess the list was a bit mistaken here.  No big deal, though, since that slam prevented a canine so big it looked like two guys in a suit from breaching the door and eating one hapless Democrat.

Time to move on another two or three blocks.


"Hi, I'm a volunteer with the Democratic Party, I'd like to ask you where on this scale ...." 

"I'll give you a 3."

"Oh, you mean 'She's a reprehensible crook, but what other fucking choice do I have?'"

"That's the one."

"Can't you do a little bit better?"

"I can make it a 2."

"I'll take the 3!"


And so my afternoon passed.  Lots of walking, some folks real positive, some less so, many not home, a Republican here and there, and did I mention lots of walking?

Did I do any good a'canvassing a'canvassing for Clinton?  I hope so. I believe I got some people thinking a little more proactively about the importance of the election, maybe encouraged one or two to get more actively involved, and certainly helped provide some cooped up dogs with much needed exercise.

And wound up hobbling about with more than a few blisters. 

You're welcome, Hillary. And damn you, depraved douchebag!