"Good Evening. I'm David Muir and this is my hair. Tonight on 20/20 I'm pleased to be interviewing the Republican Party front runner in the race for Santa Claus 2016, Mr. Donald Trump.
"Ho, ho, ho, David, that is some nice haircut! Joy to the World, and let's get right down to praising the shit out of me!"
"Certainly, Mr. Trump. Now as you and our viewers know, we've been electing Santa Clauses for the past 27 years ever since the original Santa died in a tragic accident trying to save grandma from getting run over by a reindeer."
"Yes, very tragic, but I prefer Santas who don't get run over."
"Mr. Trump, why do you want to run for Santa Claus?"
"Because we have the worst Santa Claus we've ever had in office in the North Pole! Talk about leading from behind, he hitches the reindeer behind the sleigh and goes backwards!"
"That's not true, Mr. Trump. Santa always manages to get all the toys delivered on time and on Christmas Eve.""
"Sure, David, but how is he on lumps of coal delivery? We're way over budget on lumps of coal and his management of The Naughty and Nice List has people who don't like me listed as "Nice!"
"Okay, Mr. Trump. Now one of your controversial proposals is that if you are elected Santa Claus you will build a wall to keep all undocumented elves out of the North Pole. What will this accomplish?"
"The illegal elves that come to the North Pole are not the best. They are pimps, drug dealers, chewers of gum that four out of five dentists recommend they don't chew. But, David, the wall that I build will include a great big beautiful door."
"No, I go through that door. That what makes it beautiful!"
"Mr. Trump, it's been pointed out that you have no experience at being Santa Claus, unlike some of the other candidates who have at least dressed up as Santa Claus at parties and for children."
"You mean Governor Christie? I heard he says to children 'What do you want for Christmas, little boy? Cake? I'll get it for you,' and he never comes back."
"How do you rate the other candidates for Santa Claus?"
"Rick Santorum - Good Guy! Ted Cruz - Good Guy! Vladimir Putin - Best Guy! If he's elected Santa Claus he's promised to give me the Ukraine for Christmas next year."
"What about Ben Carson?"
"Ben Carson? Go ahead and elect him Santa Claus if you want to turn every child under the age of 8 in America Jewish!"
"It is if you're going over the side of the sleigh above Indiana."
"You've also been highly critical of Bernie Sanders."
"This bleeding heart curmudgeon wants to give everything to everybody. Free healthcare, free education, free tickets to Judy Collins Look-a-Like Contests. There's no end to what he wants to give to people."
"So you don't think Mr. Sanders is qualified for this job?"
"Of course not. Who does he think he is --- Santa Claus?"
I once got a bong for Christmas that I'm sure was made my an undocumented elf. It had a pin-hole in the bottom, constantly leaked water, and the bowl was no bigger than a gnat's brain. You'd think Santa could at least outsource those to Jamaica rather than China.
I hope you wrote Santa about that. Or maybe next time you're on his knee, you can bring it up. Uh-oh, poor choice of words ...
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