What Clinton Doesn't Know About Cyber Stuff

It's just after Labor Day 2016 and the latest political polls don't look so good for Hillary Clinton. 

Because of her sometimes casual acquaintance with the truth regarding her e-mails, a megalomaniac who lies more frequently than he draws breath even when he's hyperventilating is leading in the polls, even though the only polls he should be leading in are the ones he uses to regularly vault over the truth.

Why has Clinton stumbled so badly with respect to her e-mails? 

Hillary Clinton is a Boomer, just like you and me.  When we were growing up the only mail we got was delivered by a middle aged man named Clifford who picked his teeth with our parents' telephone bill. Sure, we work our PCs and our cell phones today, but our understanding of their ins and outs equals our understanding of Justin Bieber's appeal. 

Unless America wakes up and gets this, we'll soon wind up with a man in the Oval Office whose most intelligent executive act will be to spin around in his desk chair, shout "WHEEEE!," and declare war on Pennsylvania. 

What Clinton Doesn't Know About 

Cyber Stuff

1) Thinks "C" marking on documents means "Crap." 

2) Believes "Bill Gates" is the name for proposed barrier to be built around her husband, and Monica Lewinsky will pay for it.

3) Constantly losing to Putin at Madden 2017.

4) Asked Russians to hack her e-mails so she can confirm date she unsubscribed to "Friends of NAFTA Weekly."

5) Has directed staff to remove suggestive "Insert" key from Bill's PC.

6) Not sure if "Spell Check" will determine accuracy of Hermione's and Ron's 's spells as well as Harry's.

7) Believes purpose of "Shift" key is to provide political wiggle room.

8) Has directed staff to remove suggestive "Enter" key from Bill's PC.

9) Still using dial-up. 

10) Thinks reboot means a change in footwear to go with latest pantsuit.

11) "Let's see, point and click, point and click, click and point .... Damn, I'll never get this right!"

12) Preparing critical outreach to emoji community.

13) Believes cloud computing is counting the clouds overhead to see how many look like pussycats.

14) Thinks Instagram is a website for drug dealers in a hurry.

15) "Delete" key, she understands.

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Top Ten Hillary Clinton E-mail Excuses

For these suggested excuses, Hillary: 

 No Charge!

It's no surprise to many that Hillary Clinton has a bit of a reputation for mendacity. It's also no surprise that I am trying to obscure this fact by using a word like "mendacity" that I hope you don't understand.

Clinton's occasional lack of candor is concerning but is rendered somewhat less so since she is running for President against a walking turd who hasn't told the truth since he filled out the application for Hair Club for Men.  Still, one wishes Hilarity would play it a bit more down the straight and narrow;  sadly she was just awarded Four Pinocchios by the Washington Post for recent statements to Chris Wallace regarding her e-mail controversy.  

Hillary, you can do better!  Here are some suggested excuses you may use right away to slam E-mail Gate shut once and for all:

Top Ten Hillary Clinton E-mail Excuses

10) Dog ate her e-mails.

9) Distracted by constant amorous advances from Bill. 

8) According to top writing experts, all adjectives are best removed from the sentence "Extremely careless in the handing of very sensitive, highly classified information."  Revised sentence "careless in the handling of information" plays a bit better.

7) "Must have left those e-mails in my other pants suit!"

6) "I relied on and had every reason to rely on the judgments of the 300 professionals with whom I exchanged e-mails, each of whom I could incinerate instantly with my heat vision."  

5) I had a "short-circuit" so strong when I was talking about the e-mails it curled Debbie Wasserman Schultz' hair!" 

4) "Server problems?  Absolutely. His name was Bruce and the quail he served me was decidedly under cooked!"

3) Too many evenings spent strummin' the ol' banjo and regaling staff with patter and song.

2) "All that happened during my drinking days."

1) "Frankly, Bill and I can do whatever the fuck we want!"

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