The Boy Who Didn't Like Tom Hanks

(Note: This short sketch is adapted from the post of the same name presented herein July 13, 2017.)

Dramatis Personae

Perry – Handsome young leading man type.  Hey who’s writing this, you or me?

Farbman – Perry’s nervous and upset friend

Brandon – Perry’s son

The Scene - Perry and Farbman are sitting at lunch. Farbman looks tense and unhappy, idly moving his fork around his plate.

PERRY
Farbman, I’ve never seen you so upset. You haven’t even touched your second dessert!

FARBMAN

I touched it.  I can’t eat it, but I touched it.

PERRY

I haven’t seen you this upset since it was announced Jimmy Fallon was taking over The Tonight Show.    

FARBMAN
It's my son Bruce. In all my days, I never thought something like this could ever happen!

PERRY
What is it, Farbman? Did he vote for Trump, forsake Judaism, listen to ABBA?

FARBMAN

If only it were one of those things! No, my son Bruce told me ... he told me ... he told me he doesn't like Tom Hanks!

PERRY

Told you what?

FARBMAN

He told me he doesn’t like Tom Hanks!  

Pause.  Farbman begins to weep.

PERRY (Slowly and deliberately)

He … doesn’t …like … Tom Hanks? America's most likeable celebrity? The nicest guy in Hollywood, a welcome presence on screens both large and small?

FARBMAN

(Loud sobbing) Yee-ess!

PERRY

Farbman, how did this all come about?  

FARBMAN

It was last Saturday night. I was watching Cast Away again and Bruce came into the den.

Bruce, I said, Tom and Wilson the Soccer Ball are beginning to bond. It’s so beautiful! Come sit down and we’ll watch together.

Uh, I’d rather not, Dad, he said. 

Why, Bruce? I asked.
 

It's time I told you, he said. I don’t like Tom Hanks!

What are you saying, Bruce?! I shouted.

I’ve never liked Tom Hanks, he said. And I never will!

 (Loud sobbing)

PERRY

He doesn’t like Big?

FARBMAN (through tears)

No.

PERRY

Saving Private Ryan?

FARBMAN

No-oh-oh-oh!

PERRY

Turner and Hooch?

FARBMAN

Not even! (Blubbering)

PERRY (Trying to calm him down)

Farbman, try to understand! Bruce has no choice in the matter. He was born not liking Tom Hanks.

FARBMAN

How could this happen to me?  I who have seen Forrest Gump more times than Sally Field has popped Bonivas!

PERRY

Farbman! This isn’t about you!  People’s attitudes are changing. It’s a more inclusive world now with room for everyone. Straight. Gay. LGBTQ. THD.

FARBMAN

THD?

PERRY

Tom Hanks Dislikers.

FARBMAN (calming down)

Really?

PERRY

Sure. I’ll bet in 10 years or so Tom Hanks Dislikers may even be able to marry each other.

FARBMAN

Perry, what should I do?

PERRY

Just tell Bruce you love him and support him no matter what.

FARBMAN

I think you’re right. I do feel better. Thank you!

PERRY

No problem, Farbman.

They shake hands and Farbman walks off.

PERRY

Poor guy. Poor, Poor guy!

Brandon enters.

BRANDON

Hey, Dad, I’m staying home tonight. Want to watch a movie? `

PERRY

Yeah, sure, Bran. How about something with Tom Hanks? 

BRANDON

Great, Dad! Everybody likes Tom Hanks.

PERRY

Why don't we watch Sully?

BRANDON

Um … I’d rather not, Dad.

PERRY
Why?

BRANDON 

It's time I told you. I don’t like Sully Sullenberger! 

Perry begins crying hysterically.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

But of course. 

The Microsoft Phony Phone Call II

A Short Playlet  ...

VOICE ON PHONE (odd indistinguishable accent):

Good evening, this is the Microsoft Company. I’m sorry to tell you there is a terrible, terrible, terrible problem with your personal computer!

CHARLIE

Terrible problem?

VOICE ON PHONE

Terrible, Terrible, Terrible! You don't want to know!

CHARLIE

What I do know is that you are not Microsoft, and this is the Microsoft Phony Phone Call Scam!

VOICE ON PHONE

That's not true!  And whatever you do, don’t hit “control, alt, delete” if you’re pregnant or nursing a child. 

CHARLIE

I know the drill. You con me into letting you get on my computer, you plant a virus, and then charge me an arm and a leg to fix it.

VOICE (slight pause)

Ahh, you’re right. You’re one smart young man!

CHARLIE (modestly)

Well … thank you.

VOICE

I’ll be hanging up now.  You have a nice day.

CHARLIE

Wait a moment.  I’m curious, if you don’t mind.  Why do you do this? Do you need money that badly?

VOICE

Not, not really. I got a buck or two.

CHARLIE

Then, why rip people off in such a cynical way?

VOICE

Well, my son said I needed a hobby.

CHARLIE

Your son said you … wait a minute.

VOICE

Yes?

CHARLIE

Where do you live?

VOICE

Boca Raton Florida.

CHARLIE

Whereabouts in Boca Raton?

VOICE

416 Lumley Drive, APT 7A.  A lovely garden apartment with a tasteful mezuzah by the front door.

CHARLIE

DAD!

VOICE (now DAD)

CHARLIE?  What a surprise!

CHARLIE

Ye-ah, what a surprise for me too!

DAD

And here we usually only have the opportunity to talk after Sunday nosh.  

CHARLIE

Dad, how come you have a cheesy foreign accent?  

DAD

It’s the first thing they teach you in Phony Phone Call Scam School.

CHARLIE

There's a school for this?

DAD(bragging)

Not only that, I was in the top half of the class!  

CHARLIE   

Dad, why are you doing this?

DAD

You told me I needed a hobby, remember?  Would you rather I be playing bingo?

CHARLIE

I’d rather you not be committing felonies!

DAD

Oh, Charlie, this is a nice little pastime.  You don’t have to leave the apartment, you get to meet all kinds of interesting people, and then you get to rob them.

CHARLIE

But you didn’t bring me up this way! What does Mom think of all this?

DAD

I’ll get her.  Charlotte, guess who I was about to rip off?  Charlie!

MOM

Charlie!  How nice, I’ll be right there! I’ve got a real sucker on the phone!

CHARLIE

Oh, no!  Mom, too?

DAD

She graduated higher in the class than I did.

MOM (getting on the phone)

Charlie, darling, how are you?  What a schlimazel I just had on the line.  I was looking at his hard drive; he had pornography of Judi Dench!

CHARLIE

Mom, Dad, what are you both doing?!  You guys didn’t bring me up this way!

DAD

There’s a reason we didn’t.

CHARLIE

What’s that?

DAD

There was no internet then.

CHARLIE

But conducting phony Microsoft phone calls, ripping off innocent people, this just isn’t Kosher!

DAD

You know, Charlotte, the boy’s right. What would Rabbi Schwartzman say?

MOM

Not much. He’s been dead ten years now.

CHARLIE

Mom, Dad, stop this Phony Phone Call Scam right now!

DAD

Do you think we should give back the money, son?

CHARLIE

Of course you should!  Now how much have you ripped off from people so far?

DAD

Oh, 80, 90 thousand, give or take.

CHARLIE

Okay, 80 or 90 …. WHAT?!

MOM

80 or 90 thousand, dear.  Probably closer to 90.

DAD

Yes, that’s about right.  We’re rounding

CHARLIE (breathless)

How long have you been doing this?

DAD

Two or three months. 

CHARLIE

Eighty, ninety thousand dollars from two or three months?!!

MOM

Again …  rounding.

CHARLIE

In that case:  Good evening, this is the Microsoft Company.  I’m sorry to tell you there is a terrible, terrible, terrible problem with your personal computer.

DAD

That’s not a bad indistinguishable accent there, son.

CHARLIE

Thanks, Dad.  Can you guys float me an application for the Phony Phone Call Scam School?

MOM

For sure!

CHARLIE

Maybe I’ll move down to Boca and work the system with you guys!

DAD

But, boychik, what about how you said we didn’t bring you up this way?

CHARLIE

That’s right, Mom and Dad, you didn’t.  But don't worry.

MOM

Why?

CHARLIE

I forgive you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just Plain Jane

(Note: This is a short sketch I wrote some years ago when I was in Human Resources 

which attempts to satirize the obsession that some HR professionals (and, of course, other professionals as well) have with titles and certifications. I never got to perform it, but I like it, so I'll share it with you here.  And on this day after a holiday, it's probably better than another annoying post about Trump!

I was trying to figure out what Just Plain Jane looks like and the picture above was the closest I could come up with.  She may be dressed just a bit better than above for the gathering in the sketch below but, all in all, that's Jane --- Just Plain Jane.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just Plain Jane

Characters

Peter Simons SHRM-CP (from SHRM) --- a newly certified HR professional

Just Plain Jane --- Peter’s wife

Dexter Scoyber SHRM-SCP, PhD, CPLP --- Peter’s mentor

Ilona Scoyber SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD --- Dexter’s wife

Max Sorkin SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, & CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association  --- Dexter’s friend

Carol Landis GRP, CPLP, GPLP --- Max’s woman friend

~~~~~~~~~~

Peter and Jane approach the front door of a house in the suburbs. 

Jane: Peter, this is going to be so fun! I’ve been looking forward to finally meeting your new colleagues from SHRM!

Peter: Yes, but Jane, there’s something about them I, uh, think I should prepare you for.

Jane: What?

They arrive at the house and Jane begins knocking on the door. 

Peter: You know how I have a title of SHRM-CP now that I’ve passed the SHRM certification examination? Well, these people have been around SHRM  and other HR associations a long time and certifications are very important to them, and ...

Before Peter finishes speaking, door opens.

Dex: Hello, there, hello there. Why if it isn’t Peter Simons SHRM-CP!  Great to see you, glad you could come!

Ilona: Hi, you two, and welcome!

Dex:   And this is the lovely wife we’ve been hearing so much about?  Hi there!  I’m Dexter Scoyber SHRM-SCP, PhD, CPLP.

Ilona:  And I’m his better half --- Ilona Scoyber SHRM-SCP, CPB, JD!

Jane: It’s awesome to meet both of you. 

Max:  (entering) Well hello, Peter  SHRM-CP.  (To Jane) Hello, young lady, I'm Max Sorkin, SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, and CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association.

Carol:  And I’m with Max.  Hello, I'm Carol Landis, GRP, CPLP, GPLP.

Laughter, happiness, shaking hands all around.  

Peter:  Everyone, I’d like to introduce my wife Jane.

Dex:  Welcome, Jane!   Jane … Jane.   Jane what?

Jane: Jane --- just Jane.  I’m just plain Jane.

Max: Just Plain Jane!  Why, what a lovely name!

Carol:  That's sure different!

Ilona: I never knew anyone named Just Plain Jane!  Well, come on in folks, have some dip!

Peter: Oh, you have dip?

Jane:  Always ready for a snack!  That's my Peter. 

Jane:  (to Dex) Thank you so much for being so supportive of Peter while he was studying for the SHRM test.

Dex:  Well, everyone needs a mentor, Just Plain Jane.  Mine was always my father.  Yes, I’ll never forget dear old Dad … Dad M.D., PhD, and Board Certified in Proctology.

Jane:  May I call you Dex?

Dex:  No, Just Plain Jane. Call me Dex SHRM-SCP, PhD, CPLP. 

Jane:   I'll make a note of it!

Meanwhile Max and Carol take Peter in hand and bring him into the living room. 

Peter:   This dip is amazing!

Carol:  Yes, it’s Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD’s special recipe.  I asked her for it once, but no dice.

 

Max: Well,  Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD can be that way sometimes.  

Ilona: Peter SHRM-CP, Just Plain Jane, do you want some coffee?

Jane: LOVE IT!

Ilona: Coming UP!

Max:  I’ll help you!

Max and Ilona head to the kitchen.  Ilona begins making the coffee and appears to be fumbling with it, spilling coffee and water.   Max stands on the other side of the kitchen nervously looking back into the living room. Max takes one last look into the living room, and then……….

Max and Ilona run to each others arms!

Ilona:  Darling SHRM-CP, CEEBS, CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association!

Max:  Sweetheart, SHRM-SCP, CPB, JD!

Max: Everything about you is so beautiful, even your name.  I could say it again and again... Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD - Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD - Ilona …

Ilona:  (breaking in passionately) Just hold me, Max SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association! But we must be careful. So far, he doesn’t suspect a thing.

Max:  Who doesn’t suspect a thing?

Ilona:   What???

Max:  Who doesn’t susp…?  Oh, of course.

Ilona: Yes, the stuffed shirt!  So obsessed with his pretentious titles and degrees and so unlike you, Max, SHRM-SCP, CE…, oh just hold me, you HR certified hottie!!! 

Meanwhile back in the room, Jane, Peter, Dex, and Carol are talking.

Peter:  Excuse me for a moment.  Nature calls.

Jane:  It always does!  That's my Peter.

Peter leaves and ambles into the kitchen.  He sees Max and Ilona clutching each other and is horror – struck.  

Peter:  OH MY!  OH MY!  OH MY, MY, MY, MY!!!

Max: Oh, Peter SHRM-CP, this isn’t what it looks like, uh uh, we were discussing recertification credits, and ….

Ilona:  Yes, yes, and did you know, uhhhhh ….. HR professionals can now earn credits by learning CPR! Go ahead, Max SHRM-SCP... umm .... whatever the hell your name is! Just blow in my windpipe!

Peter:  Oh, oh, excuse me, excuse me, I was just looking for the john… uhh, that is the John SHRM-CP, SPQ3K, WHATEVER!.... Oh MY MY MY MY!! Excuse me!!!

Peter rushes back to the living room where Jane, Dex, and Carol are still talking.  

Peter: Folks, I’m sorry we have to go! I just remembered an important webinar on “Does Skipper Owe Gilligan Overtime?” It was only supposed to be a three hour tour, but ... let's go, Jane!

Jane: Oh, I am sorry.  I hope to see all of you again soon!

Carol: New SHRM-CPs can be so edgy, Just Plain Jane.  We understand.

Jane:  Well, folks ... that's my Peter!

Dex:  Good bye, Peter SHRM-CP. You too, Just Plain Jane!

Jane waves to all. Peter hustles her out in seconds.  

Jane:  What was the matter, Peter?  Tell Just Plain Jane.

Peter:  Those people are certified all right --- certified nuts!

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well,  I finally got to perform the sketch, at least in a way. 

So long, fellow HR professionals! And so long, Jane.