Monday, October 31, 2016

Dystopia 1950's!

A Tale of the Future Told Through
 Advertising Slogans of the Past 

John stumbled through the wreckage that was his basement and pushed aside the shattered door to the outside.  All around him was devastation and rubble. Where were the colors of nature, the green, the red, the yellow? 

He wondered where the yellow went.

John found a package of cigarettes in the dirt and lit up. The cigarette tasted good like a cigarette should. Down the road he saw a young woman approaching.

"Please, sir, I beg you," said the young woman. "May I have a cigarette?"

John extended the pack toward her. "You've got your own cigarette now, baby. You've come a long long way."

"I have come a long way indeed," she replied. "I feel like I've seen the whole USA on foot! Frankly I'd rather see the USA in my Chevrolet." 

"What has happened?" John asked.

"It was that maniac President Trump," the girl shouted.He let his fingers do the walking on the nuclear button!"

"Oh, no!  And Snap, Crackle, Pop, everything was gone?"

"Yes, but I did my part. I voted for Hillary."

"Me too," said John.  "The Obama Administration was a pleasure. If only Hillary had won we could have doubled our pleasure, doubled our fun!"

"May I travel with you?" asked the girl. "I'm Allison." 

"Yes, Allison," said John, "but I have no means of transport either.  In fact I'd walk a mile for a camel."

"A camel?" Allison laughed. “I’d be willing to take a greyhound, and I'd drive it too."

"That way we could Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us."

John and Allison set out on an arduous journey in search of any others who may have survived. Suddenly a storm kicked up!  

"Allison, let's find cover.  When it rains, it pours!

"If only we'd brought umbrellas, John," Allison cried.

"You're right.  From now on don't leave home without them!"

"So much water everywhere, Allison!"

"You know, you're soaking in it!"

"Look, it's finally slowing down!"

"Oh, that's good! Good to the last drop.”

As the storm ended, the two continued on their way.

"Did you know, John, before the cataclysm there was a train used to regularly travel through here?"

"Yes, I do. Once upon a time there was an engineer. Choo Choo Charlie was his name, we hear."

"He had an engine and he sure had fun. He used GOOD & PLENTY candy to make his train run."

"Talk about alternative energy!" said John.

Allison and John continued their journey through the barren landscape.
The longer they were together, John began to wonder "Does she or doesn't she?"  

Although he was embarrassed about his frankly small size, one night he could take it no longer and made his move.

"Where's the beef?" asked Allison.

"Trust me," said John. “A little dab'll do ya.  

"M’mm! M’mm! Good! Allison moaned.

“Melts in your mouth, said John, “not in your hand!”

How did you get to be so wonderful at sex, John?” cooed Allison.

"We try harder."

"Finger lickin' good!"

The next day the two set off again.  After they’d walked a number of miles, John turned to Allison and said “I’ve a feeling we’re going to come to a village full of very nice people.”

“Do you promise me?” she said.

“Yes, I promise, but I don’t yet know the name of the village.”

A few miles later they saw a sign that said “Arpege.”

I promised you anything, but I gave you Arpege,” said John.

As they approached the village a tall friendly man came to greet them.

“My name is Marlboro," he said. "Welcome to Arpege, also known as Marlboro Country."

“How have you and your people survived, Mr. Marlboro?” asked John.

"Only those morons that voted for Trump were destroyed.
When Trump pushed the nuclear button, there was a loud  'plopping noise' and every person who was stupid enough to vote for him dissolved!  And all of us rejoiced!"

"I see," said John. "So it was Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!" 

“Now we can rebuild civilization," Marlboro continued. "Our motto is LSMFT.”  

“Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco?”

“No. Let’s Start Making a Future Together.”

"May we help you?" asked Allison."

"Yes, of course.  What do you two think of our plans for a bright future without Trump?" 

John and Allison looked at one another and raised their voices as one:

“They’re GRRRRREAT!!!"

The End

List of Slogans

Most of the commercial slogans in the story above are from the Fifties with a smattering from the 60's, 70's, and 80's.   In order, they are:

8) I'd walk a mile for a Camel.  Camel Cigarettes.

10) When it rains, it pours. Morton's Salt.

11) Don't leave home without them. American Express

12) You're soaking in it. Palmolive Liquid with Madge the manicurist.

13) Good to the last drop. Maxwell House Coffee

16) Where's the Beef?  Wendy's

17) A little dab'll do ya. Brylcreem

18) M’mm! M’mm! Good!  Campbell's Soup

20) We try harder. Avis Rent-a-Car

21) Finger Lickin' Good. Kentucky Fried Chicken

22) Promise her anything but give her Arpege. Arpege Perfume.

23) Come to Marlboro Country. Marlboro Cigarettes

24) Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.  Alka-Seltzer  

25) LSMFT.  Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. 

26) “They’re GRRRREAT!”  Tony the Tiger.  Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.


Russell said...

Impressive string of slogans, Perry.
I'm glad Allison wasn't hung up on size, either that or she was terribly naïve to let John convince her that a cocktail wiener could be as satisfying as a two-pound sausage.

If Perry Block would have been there, he would have suggested she Put Something Exciting Between Her Legs (Harley Davidson).

Perry Block said...

I wish there was something exciting between my legs. Or anything at all between my legs. Somehow I knew that anyone familiar with Jon Gnagy would be familiar with all of these slogans. I'm sorry I didn't go back further to others you'd know like "Win with Wilkie," "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux," and "You can't beat Block's Buggy Whips." Maybe next time.