Hillary Clinton's been writing to me! That's right, she's sending personal e-mails directly to me. With any luck they'll be on WikiLeaks before you know it and I'll be as famous as Ken Bone, but actually a little cuter even at this age.
"Perry," the Democratic candidate for President of the United States wrote to me, "I'm so proud you're on our team!"
She's proud of me! Do you believe that? Hillary Clinton is proud of me! Frankly I've never even met Secretary Clinton or been so fortunate as to ever go through a scandal with her.
Perhaps it was my vote for George McGovern in 1972? Or that I voted for Michael Dukakis in 1988 except that was only because I got him confused with Olympia Dukakis? Or maybe it was the letter of appreciation I wrote to President Clinton for doing it with a Jewish chick in the 90’s?
I guess probably not that one.
And believe it or not, it isn’t just Secretary Clinton who’s been firing up the private server to shoot questionably appropriate e-mails my way. I'm getting personal e-mails from Tim Kaine, Elizabeth Warren, Robby Mook, Robert Reich, and more! I guess my old pal Hillary must have clued them in to me because all of their e-mails close with a warm personal message that I can tell was written expressly for me:
"Because we know what a strong advocate you are for Hillary and the future of our country, Perry, we’ve been thinking of you. Therefore I’m asking you to chip in $1 or more to protect our country’s future right now."
Yep, they all really do know me. Except or the "or more" part.
Oh, I almost forget. Al Franken, the SNL comic turned Senator from Minnesota actually prepared a video about the upcoming race just for me! I'm certainly honored. Take a look by clicking here, but don’t share it. I’ll need Al’s approval for that first.
You know, all this attention from Hillary Clinton and the others is just wonderful and I’m sorry I’m way behind in writing back to each one, although I did send Al a few jokes; maybe I can get his old job. One thing, however, does bother me.
Shouldn’t Hillary be out campaigning instead of writing to me?