Thanksgiving Thanks A Lot

What do I give "Thanks a Lot" for this Thanksgiving?  

Well, for starters:

1) That I do not have Comcast.

2) That since I have gotten Vitiligo I have not encountered anyone with one of those sharp mini-golf pencils who's enamored of playing "Connect the Dots."

3) That my motto is and has always been "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. Then quit."

4) That I never paid good money to see Cirque de Soleil in Las Vegas featuring Dr. Ben Carson.

5) That I am not one of the co-stars of the movie "Youth."

6) That women do not burst into flames when I fantasize about them because the net effect would be terrible for the Earth's environment and because only Dame Judi Dench would be left. 

7) That I have finally stopped saying self-deprecating things, which is no mean feat for someone with as little self-control as I have.

8) That the picture I use on Twitter has not aged quite as badly as I have. 

9) That I have throngs of readers who love my work and also that I am sufficiently well-versed  and erudite to know the meaning of the word "throngs," which is "two."

10) That Donald Trump has never been cast to star in Anne of Green Gables.

11) That all emojis will perish in El Nino.

12) That although there is "The View," "The Talk," and "The Chew," there is no meaningful competition for my upcoming TV show "The Boring."

13) That the silly Presidential custom of pardoning a turkey will certainly end if Chris Christie is elected President.

14) That I have successfully managed not to read the latest Internet article promoted on Facebook "15 Stars You Didn't Know Didn't Know You Didn't Know That About Them." 

15) That only God can make a tree, but with the right lawyer we can break his monopoly.  

16) That so far as I know no one has ever given me an intentionally or maliciously inaccurate tooth check.

17) That Scarlett Johansson has finally stopped calling me.  Pathetic! 

18) That with a watchful eye and split second timing one can actually eat a banana when it is ripe.

19) That I have gone back in time and killed Hitler. Hey, jerk, you're welcome!

20) That I am able to enjoy a beautiful sunset. And the night of binge drinking 'til I'm sucking the carpet that follows.

Happy Thanks A Lot
Thanksgiving!

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The Pardoner's Tale

As the 2016 Presidential campaign moves toward the Thanksgiving holiday many Americans want to know the answer to a very important question: how good at pardoning a turkey are each of the major candidates?

Donald Trump: You know, it hasn't been easy for me. I started out with just a small loan from my father in the amount of one million turkeys and I had to pay them all back with interest, including giblets and gravy. From that I've built an empire of one billion butterball turkeys! What am I going to do with them? I'll pardon the good ones and the ones that are drug runners, rapists, or have meat that's a little stringy I'm deporting to Mexico!


Dr. Ben Carson: I've led a very violent past and if you don't agree with that I'm going to knock you senseless with this tongue depressor! I've attacked a turkey with a knife, I've sliced the flesh of a turkey, and I've even eaten a turkey, although my teeth bounced off its belt buckle. Then I found Jesus who bade me to feed turkeys with grain from the pyramids (Thank you, Joseph!) and to pardon each one who formally rejects any place on the evolutionary chain.
   

Chris Christie:  Turkey?  Seriously? Where?!!! 


Marco Rubio:  True, I have missed a lot of votes in Congress and I may not be qualified to be President,  but that doesn't mean I can't pardon a turkey with the best of them!  I'll probably need two full bottles of water for the official pardoning ceremony. Actually better make that three, counting one for the turkey.


Jeb Bush:   My brother, my dad, and I all feel so strongly about pardoning turkeys that I am changing my campaign slogan for the next couple days. Maybe even a whole week.  It will now be: Gobble, Gobble, Jeb Won't Bobble (It!)   Sure,  my brother pardoned a turkey in 2004 that later went on a mad pecking spree in the Midwest, but Cheney was the one picked that turkey. At least that's what my dad said.


Bernie Sanders:  I don't believe it is fair that: We are the only major country on Earth that does not guarantee pardons for all turkeys who are penitent and have done community service. We are the only major country on Earth that does not guarantee healthcare as a right to all turkeys. We are also the only major country on Earth that does not guarantee all turkeys the right to an upgrade to an I-phone.  We can learn a lot from Denmark as to how a country should treat its turkeys, except quite frankly Denmark does not have any turkeys.


Hillary Clinton: The key question is: when the phone rings at 4:00 A.M. at the White House and a turkey needs to be pardoned, who do you want to answer it? I submit that would be me.  I'll be up anyway preparing for the next Benghazi hearing.

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The Not-So-Humble Chef

I was fortunate to be invited this past Thanksgiving to dinner at the house of friend whose wife is stellar in the culinary arts. Everything was terrific, a fact that was not at all lost on Denise herself, the very purveyor of the very Thanksgiving meal itself.

"Denise, this soup is really good," said a fellow guest as we began partaking of Course No. 1.

"It sure it," I added.

"It's fantastic!" exclaimed Denise, "the finest Italian Wedding Soup you'll find anywhere!"

This was unusual, I thought.  

Most people are somewhat modest in a situation of this sort. They say things like "I'm so glad you like the soup" or "I'd hoped it would turn out alright," not "the stars are smiling upon you that you're privileged to eat my marvelous soup tonight!"

But it was a small complaint given the fine meal I'd been invited to.

Course No. 1 over, the turkey was served.   A number of guests acknowledged its excellent taste.

"Great turkey," said a guest.

"Good stuffing too," said another.

"It's delicious!" cried out Denise "My gravy gets better every year, and the stuffing is my own very special recipe, never been equaled, never will!"

Now this was pushing it, I thought. At least give the dear departed bird a bit of the credit too.

Main course cleared away, time for desert.

"Denise, love this creme brule," said a guest.

"Yes, it's really delicious," said another.

"This is the best creme brule anyone has ever eaten in the history of the world,"  exulted Denise. "The dictionary definition of the word 'scrumptious!'"

I could take it no longer.

"For God's sake, Denise, sure this food is good, but it isn't the most pleasurable experience since the invention of the orgasm.  Say 'thank you,  I'm pleased you enjoyed my humble meal,'  not 'You assholes are lucky I condescended to grace you with this food of the gods!'

There was total silence, except for a cough or two. Denise looked at me for a moment, then spoke.

"You're right, Perry.  I'm sorry,  I do get carried away. Say, how is your blog coming along?"

"I just wrote the fucking funniest humor piece anybody's ever read about a woman who can't stop praising her own cooking! It's unbelievably hilarious!"

Sometimes in life you just gotta blow your own horn.

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Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is one holiday that tends to get lost in the shuffle, and that's a darn shame. 

This is one of the few holidays that truly commemorate a meaningful event in American history, a special day when English settlers and Native Americans sat down together to carve up a turkey between them.  For the next 300 years thereafter, most of the carving between them would be of the Native Americans.

So let's take a moment this Thanksgiving, preferably after we're overdosed on tryptophan, and give thanks for whatever we're most thankful for, such as: 

I am thankful that ....

1) I am thankful for all of you who read my blog. May you never acquire something constructive to do.

2) I am thankful that I do not have a sign on my back that says "kick me" that is left over from high school. The one I have on my back  that says "kick me" is left over from Law School. 

3) I am thankful that I have never been drugged and used for sex by Bill Cosby, but then again, how would I know?

4) I am thankful that turkey and stuffing do not have an overt sexual relationship because it would be quite difficult to eat them while they are panting and moaning and crying "yes! yes! yes!"  I'd probably just stick to the peas.

5) I am thankful we do not have a loudmouth racist uncle at our Thanksgiving dinner table, although I am getting rather sick of our loudmouth racist aunt. 

6)  I am thankful that the Zombie Apocalypse has never fallen on Thanksgiving because I don't know how well brains go with mashed potatoes.

7)  I am thankful that dogs do not burst into flames when I pet them.

8) I am thankful to President Obama for not coming to my house and pardoning the turkey that I plan to eat tonight.

9)  I am thankful for those lazy trypophan-filled times after the Thanksgiving meal when all of us gather around the television set in the family room to watch football but mostly fall asleep. That's when I sneak the hell out of this dump and do something fun!

10) I am thankful that I have the opportunity to live in the greatest country in the world.  Once I figure out which one it is, I'm so there!

11) I am thankful for literature, poetry, and art. While other people are distracted by them, I am able to get the best seats in the house for Wrestlemania! 

12) I am thankful that I do not know even one person prone to exclaiming "Hurrah for the Pumpkin Pie!," because I would have to shoot them.

13) I am thankful that women about whom I have fantasies are not telepathically able to link into them because then only women over 375 pounds who look like actor Rainn Wilson would ever talk to me.  Actually, make that an even 400.

14) I am thankful that spiders do not carry handguns. 

15) I am thankful that my name is not Bluesette.

16) I am thankful actor James Franco is not a member of our family because I already feel inferior enough what with the current most accomplished member of our family being a reasonably well-trained schnauzer.

17) I am thankful you do not burst into flames when I pet you, even though I have absolutely no intention of ever petting you.  Or your dog.

18) I am thankful for Thanksgiving, one of the best holidays there is.  May it nevermore get lost in the shuffle.

So what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?  Spill it, dudes.

Unless it's pumpkin pie, in which case you better run! 

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Oh, Pardon Me!

Speaking jointly today, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner blasted President Obama for his announced intention to utilize Executive Authority to accomplish one of his major stated goals before the end of 2014.

"Here we are witnessing another shameless power grab by this Imperial President," said Speaker Boehner. "Nowhere in the Constitution is authority given to the President of the United States to pardon a turkey!  Not on Thanksgiving, not on Ronald Reagan's Birthday, not on any day."

"If he can pardon a turkey without Congressional action,"  added Mr. McConnell, "can he pardon a chicken?  What about shellfish?  There's no end to it!"

Both men were adamant that the pardoning of any form of wildlife must be approved by Congress after the selected animal has first been thoroughly vetted by the House Wildlife and Fisheries Committee.  "Prior to any pardon being granted,"  said Mr. McConnell,"Congress must be satisfied that the turkey is not a socialist, a Communist, or especially tasty."

"If the President persists in his current reckless behavior,"  Mr. Boehner and Mr. McConnell warned "he and the turkey are in for a very rude awakening!"

By day's end former Republican governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had weighed in on the controversy as well.  "From the window of my house," said Palin, "I can see Turkey." *

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*In fairness, Palin never said she could see Russia from her house in Alaska. What she said was "you can actually see Russia from an island in Alaska," which is accurate.

Come on in! The Coffee’s Cold and the Bagels Mummified II

Oh, you made it!  Nice to see you, thanks for coming!

Welcome to the Temple Boray Perry Men’s Club Sunday morning meeting, a/k/a “I’m so desperate to get out of the house I’d come here even if I weren’t married to a Jew!”

I'll be kicking off the formal meeting in a minute.  Damn it, I hate it when I use the expression "kicking off!" At my age, I'll be depressed all day.  

Okay, may I have your attention please? I'm president of the Men's Club Al Rothman and I just want to take few moments to welcome one and few. 

Now all of you feel free to grab yourself some coffee and a bagel. Unfortunately the coffee is about as hot as a date with Martha Stewart and the bagels feel as if they were formerly property of the National Hockey League. That’s the last time I pick up our Sunday morning nosh from a place with pictures of Ted Cruz on the wall. 

As you all know, this year we will soon be celebrating the holiday of Thanksgivukkah as Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall together for the first time since 1888 and the last time for thousands of years. Other than Abe Vigoda, there are few Jews who will experience it all three times.

In honor of  Thanksgivukkah, I'm delighted to announce that this Friday after shul there will be a special Men's Club pageant entitled "Mayflower Mishigoss," in which the story of the first Thanksgiving will be presented with the Pilgrims portrayed as Jews. Frankly it would have been easier to put on a Christmas Pageant with everyone portrayed as Jews because at least in that scenario everybody was a Jew!

It is my privilege to play the role of Governor Bradford, the leader of the expedition. This is ironic because in real life I get nauseous playing with the boats in my bathtub. Had I been on the Mayflower, fifteen minutes out of Plymouth Harbor I would have been hanging over the edge of ship hastily reconsidering my criticisms of the Church of England.

"So I'll be a gentile!" I'd be saying to myself. "Beats barfing for the next three months!"

And so the Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock and immediately begin starving to death just as they'd been practicing for months before leaving England. Then one day into their midst strides Squanto, and Squanto teaches the Pilgrims how to feed themselves by tilling the soil and working the land.

Lessons which save the colony but didn't stick with most of  us Jews all that long.

Thanks to Squanto, the year's harvest is as rich as the doctor I hope my daughter Gretchen will marry, and the Pilgrims decide to have a celebratory feast, fully catered.  The feasting lasts days and ends only when everyone present, Pilgrim and Native American alike, is plotzed-on-the-sofa-in-front of-football-on-TV-open-mouthed-snoring-like a-son-of-a-bitch! 

Crap!  Guess I should have announced a Spoiler Alert.  Oh well, come for the free nosh anyway.

Thanks, gentlemen!  

Say, anybody wanna run out to Wawa and get us some real coffee?  

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Here Comes Thanksukkah/Hanusgiving!

As most of you now know, this year through some bizarre confluence of the Hebrew Calendar with the Western Gregorian Calendar, many people are looking up the word "confluence." Additionally for the first time since 1888,  the usually close-to-a-month apart holidays of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving will strikingly coincide.

This unique situation presents a singular opportunity for two traditional underdog holidays both regularly overshadowed by Christmas to team up and take on the champ. Think of it as Rocky times two vs. Apollo Creed.  And together as one, Thanksukkah/Hanusgiving* have more than enough seasonal goods to give Christmas a run for its over commercialized money.

There's 12 collective days of holiday if we count Thanksgiving as four, great food, presents for the kids, interesting backstories, spinning dreidels, shoes with adorable buckles, Hannukah Gelt, lots of pie, and a common and well resonating message of religious freedom and tolerance.   The only drawbacks are the six or more days of leftover turkey forced feedings associated with Thanksgiving and Hannukah Gelt itself, which tastes only marginally better than the gold wrapping in which it comes.

Interestingly enough, there have been at least five other relatively recent instances in which  two usually widely time-disparate holidays have managed to coincide:

1)  Christmas and the Fourth of July.  Of course many of you aren't old enough to remember when Christmas and the Fourth of July fell together on the same date for the first time in 56 years in 1974.  It was a banner year for the City of Philadelphia as pilgrims worldwide converged on the Quaker City and led light stick processions to Independence Hall, many of them wearing small replicas of the Liberty Bell around their necks.  The Pope that year held a special Christmas Eve Mass in which he mentioned all four Philadelphia sports teams by name.

It seemed in 1974 that there were carolers on every street corner favoring seasonal fireworks shoppers with old favorites like "Rudolph, the Red, White, and Blue Nosed Reindeer," and '74 was the year that Santa Claus and Uncle Sam --- long suspected to be one and the same --- were finally outed when Uncle Sam  forgot to tightly fasten his 490 pound fat suit before diving down the chimney of one Ralph Merkle of Jersey City NJ, as captured in the now mega-familiar photo at right.

2) Mardi Gras and Labor Day. When these two holidays fell as one in 1952, Labor Day with its ever depressing augury of the end of summer knocked Mardi Gras for a loop from which it almost never recovered.  Jazz bands remained unbooked, drunk and disorderly arrests were down sharply nationwide, and many people reluctantly went out to buy notebooks for the new school year.  In New Orleans, the bars were closed.

 3) Memorial Day and New Year's Day.  These two holidays have already coincided three times in this century alone but it being that both holidays fell the day after New Year's Eve, no one ever noticed.

4) Groundhog's Day and Valentine's Day. The unusual confluence of these two holidays in February 1911 proved a bitter pill for their two putative iconic symbols, Puxatawney Phil and Cupid, rumored to hate each other almost as much as Adam Sandler hates being funny. Tirelessly working the small town of Puxatawney for 24 hours in 11 degree weather in an effort to show up his laconic rival, Cupid had to be treated for severe hypothermia and partial loss of a wing after producing only a handful of engagements and one lukewarm seduction while Phil for his part saw his shadow and promptly received over 7,000 proposals of marriage.

5) Simchat Torah and Shavuos.  Simchat Torah normally takes place in the early fall and Shavuos takes place in late spring.  Unfortunately no Jewish person other than the most extreme among the Orthodox knows enough about them to write a halfway decent joke here.

So will Thanksukkah/Hanusgiving come out swinging this year and finally deck the holiday that "decks the halls?"  I dunno.

We'll have to see what Santa has up his sleeve. 

 Or Uncle Sam in his fat suit.

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*aka Thanksgivukkah  (I actually wrote this piece before I heard that term.)

This piece also appeared in the Broad Street Review on November 6, 2013.  They went with my original title even though they knew better.
 

Don't You Pardon that Bird!

You're free, Squawky!

This year, as in many others, the President of the United States will on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving  good-naturedly but officially pardon a turkey. 

Mr. President, don't you pardon that bird!

According to recently classified documents obtained by Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute, pardoning a turkey serves only to release back into the general populace a terrorist bent on the overthrow of the United States and the destruction of everything we hold dear, including Betty White!   

                                                                 Who?  Me? 

Turkey Nation,  as we have now learned,  has sought to destroy the United States from a time before there even was a United States.

How did it all begin?   

When the Pilgrims first landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620, indigenous American turkeys were terrified by the pale-skinned,  non-feathered, non-turkey necked* New Kids on the Rock.  Turkey Nation feared that before long they'd be forced to wear shoes with annoyingly cute little buckles and read boring poetry by Longfellow. 

Their leader, known as Squawky, devised a cunning scheme in which he feigned friendship with the settlers and actually encouraged them to pound down the turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Once saturated with typtophan,  the dozing Pilgrims would be no match for Turkey Nation's plans for murder most fowl!

Two days after Thanksgiving 1621, Squawky led a raid known to history as Gobblers' Gambit in which 16 soporific settlers were killed, another eight wounded, and 14 more smeared with mashed potatoes and giblet gravy. Additional raids followed, some of which involved  frontal assault with pumpkin pie, which has no other purpose aside from warfare.

Squawky feigns friendliness toward the Pilgrims at the First Thanksgiving, 1621

During the Revolutionary War, Turkey Nation continued its treachery by remaining loyal to the British Crown. Squawky (not the original Squawky) convinced General  Benedict Arnold to slip secret information concerning "basting techniques" to British spymaster Major John Andre, thereby causing the name "Squawky" to become forever synonymous with the word "traitor!" 

(Occasionally the name "Benedict Arnold" is used for similar purposes as well.)

And what of today? 

Your Thanksgiving Dinner is  enabled each year through the efforts of millions of kamikaze turkeys willing to give their lives and gizzards for the cause. Aided by their evil partner in crime, the National Football League, Turkey Nation seeks to get you so sleepy Thursday afternoon that it can seize power before you can say "fuckin' turkey  leftovers again?"

Fortunately the CIA has been able to counter their plans by covertly orchestrating disturbances to keep you awake.  Think your loud bigoted uncle at dinner, your vomiting St. Bernard, and your daughter weepily telling you she's pregnant by General Petraeus are all coincidences?   It's the U.S. government keeping you safe!

At least until now.

And so, Mr. President, don't you pardon that bird!  

And to all of you:  this Thanksgiving,  please be careful when you hit that living room, undo your bulging fat belly pants, and shut your eyes.  

You might just wake up marching to the beat of a different drumstick.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING,  EVERYONE!

YOU TOO,  SQUAWKY!

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 Squawky (not the original Squawky) greets close buds
 in Berlin, 1937

*except for one Captain Newton Gingrich

Lost in the Shuffle

If there's any holiday that always gets lost in the shuffle,  it's the one coming up next week.  You know the one.

It's the holiday that's anymore just a pit stop between Halloween and the fun holiday where you get presents.  The name'll come to me.   

To most of us, its significance can best be described as: 

Two days off and too much Turkey!

Wait!  Is it called Twosday? Or Toosday?

Nah, can't be.   Cause it's  marked by a family and friends-attended meal eaten on a Thursday that has most of us overdosed on typtophan until late the next Sunday.   

As I recall, it has an interesting back story:  

The Pilgrims were a group of early settlers in America who came to our shores seeking freedom of worship because in England there was a building fund. Once they'd safely arrived, however, they unexpectedly found themselves regularly serving as hot lunch for the flora and fauna indigenous to the New World, and learning to survive in a Caesar Salad was not a coping skill they had mastered. 

In a pickle, and literally serving as one, the Pilgrims developed the smarts to befriend the neighboring Indians, who taught them how to hunt, fish, plant and harvest crops,  and look bad ass while doing it.    And in the spirit of peace and brotherhood,  the Pilgrims thereupon celebrated a feast with their new Native American friends, marred only by Priscilla Mullens' insistence on bringing  jello mold. 

This all made for a pretty cool moment in time, especially since subsequent generations of settlers implemented a minor adjustment in policy regarding the Indians,  shifting slightly away from celebrating joyous feasts with them and somewhat more towards annihilating them, robbing them of their lands, and making movies and TV shows in which the Indian roles were played by white guys like Victor Mature,  Ed Ames,  and Joey Bishop.

Today, nearly 500 years later, anticipation of this meaningful holiday runs high every year, as we highly anticipate it being over before we've even gotten our children's Halloween costumes back into the box.  

Of course, there are a handful of television specials that do promote the approaching special Thursday occasion.  Starting with A Charlie Brown Special About this Holiday, you can also view A Charlie Brown Special About this Holiday, and finally, for good measure, there's  A Charlie Brown Special About this Holiday.

Meanwhile there's hardly a celebrity in Hollywood short of Patton Oswalt who doesn't helm a colorful special devoted to the holiday yet two months away or a product other than Cialis for Daily Use not trading on its reindeer, elves, or snow-covered imagery to penetrate (sorry!) the seasonal marketplace.  

Oh, look what's on!  Patton Oswalt's Holly Jolly Special from the Holy Land sponsored by Dick-So-Hard Liquid and Pills!

Finally comes the Thursday of the holiday itself,  and yes indeed, there are major parades from coast to coast.  But who's the guest of honor at each and every one of them?  None other than that chubby little man in the red jump suit named Santa Claus.  Isn't he also connected in some way with that other holiday still about a  month away?  

Wouldn't somebody like Squanto, Samoset, or one of the other Native Americans who helped the Pilgrims avoid becoming guacamole dip for Smokey the Bear make a better guest of honor?   I guess maybe there aren't enough white guys willing to work the holiday to play them.

For all its sometimes annoying aspects of Herculean food prep, cranky family members intent on talking politics with a mouthful of stuffing,  and post-gorging induced terminal stupors, this holiday ---  whatever it's called ---  used to mean something all its own. Something that, unlike as with so many other holidays, reached across and transcended ethnic and religious boundaries.

Now we define the holiday in terms of its surroundings.  It's two days off and too much food surrounded by too much hype!

Maybe it is called Toosday after all.

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