Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is one holiday that tends to get lost in the shuffle, and that's a darn shame. 

This is one of the few holidays that truly commemorate a meaningful event in American history, a special day when English settlers and Native Americans sat down together to carve up a turkey between them.  For the next 300 years thereafter, most of the carving between them would be of the Native Americans.

So let's take a moment this Thanksgiving, preferably after we're overdosed on tryptophan, and give thanks for whatever we're most thankful for, such as: 

I am thankful that ....

1) I am thankful for all of you who read my blog. May you never acquire something constructive to do.

2) I am thankful that I do not have a sign on my back that says "kick me" that is left over from high school. The one I have on my back  that says "kick me" is left over from Law School. 

3) I am thankful that I have never been drugged and used for sex by Bill Cosby, but then again, how would I know?

4) I am thankful that turkey and stuffing do not have an overt sexual relationship because it would be quite difficult to eat them while they are panting and moaning and crying "yes! yes! yes!"  I'd probably just stick to the peas.

5) I am thankful we do not have a loudmouth racist uncle at our Thanksgiving dinner table, although I am getting rather sick of our loudmouth racist aunt. 

6)  I am thankful that the Zombie Apocalypse has never fallen on Thanksgiving because I don't know how well brains go with mashed potatoes.

7)  I am thankful that dogs do not burst into flames when I pet them.

8) I am thankful to President Obama for not coming to my house and pardoning the turkey that I plan to eat tonight.

9)  I am thankful for those lazy trypophan-filled times after the Thanksgiving meal when all of us gather around the television set in the family room to watch football but mostly fall asleep. That's when I sneak the hell out of this dump and do something fun!

10) I am thankful that I have the opportunity to live in the greatest country in the world.  Once I figure out which one it is, I'm so there!

11) I am thankful for literature, poetry, and art. While other people are distracted by them, I am able to get the best seats in the house for Wrestlemania! 

12) I am thankful that I do not know even one person prone to exclaiming "Hurrah for the Pumpkin Pie!," because I would have to shoot them.

13) I am thankful that women about whom I have fantasies are not telepathically able to link into them because then only women over 375 pounds who look like actor Rainn Wilson would ever talk to me.  Actually, make that an even 400.

14) I am thankful that spiders do not carry handguns. 

15) I am thankful that my name is not Bluesette.

16) I am thankful actor James Franco is not a member of our family because I already feel inferior enough what with the current most accomplished member of our family being a reasonably well-trained schnauzer.

17) I am thankful you do not burst into flames when I pet you, even though I have absolutely no intention of ever petting you.  Or your dog.

18) I am thankful for Thanksgiving, one of the best holidays there is.  May it nevermore get lost in the shuffle.

So what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?  Spill it, dudes.

Unless it's pumpkin pie, in which case you better run! 

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Most Obnoxious: Fox News or MSNBC?

Fox News' O'Reilly and Hannity;

Obnoxious yes, but will they earn the brass ring?

At long last, everyone, it's time to vote!

Obama vs. Romney? 

Nah, we were sick of those two long ago.

It's time to vote in the all-important election to determine which of America's two most highly celebrated highly biased television networks is the most obnoxious:

Fox News or MSNBC?

In the right corner we have Fox News, that handmaiden of the Republican Party owned by Rupert Murdoch,  that hand queen of the Republican Party. These guys are so ideologically pure they make a right on a red and everywhere else too.  Fox News is as American as mom, apple pie, and an AK-47,  especially when mom is blasting away at the apple pie with the  AK-47 as target practice in case President Obama shows up to take away her guns. 

In the left corner we have MSNBC, whose slogan is "Lean Forward As Long As You Lean Left." MSNBC believes strongly that the voices of all Americans should be heard except those of Republicans in the House of Representatives.  Ready to right every social wrong and always on the side of the angels, these guys prove demonstrably how hanging with the Devil might be a hell of lot more fun.

Ten Reasons Why Fox News is the Most Obnoxious

1) Fair and Balanced?   Fox News is about as "fair" as Hurricane Sandy and as "balanced" as Governor Christie on the opposite end of a seesaw with .... well, uh .... just about anybody.

2) Use of Sarah Palin as expert commentator highly questionable when the far more intellectual and articulate Victoria Jackson  continuously available.

3) Fox Special Reports all produced by ghost of P.T Barnum.

4) Bill O' Reilly?   A dick.   An entertaining dick to be sure, but a dick.

5) Miss Alan Colmes, Sean Hannity?  Without the goofiest looking liberal in America to make you look marginally handsome,  you have all the charisma of a  slab of meat but without the political insight. 

6) Fox All-Stars =  Fox Fallen Stars when Chris Wallace and Brit Hume aboard the panel. 

7) Cynical use of babe anchors like Megyn Kelly calculated to mislead naive and impressionable younger viewers into believing there are such things in real life as Republican women who are hot.

8)  Sneering  condescending manner in which President Obama frequently referred to as "this President."  C'mon,  guys, haven't you ever considered the possibility that Mr. Obama may actually be "That President!"?

9) Attention, Charles Krauthammer: There are  expressions of which the human face is capable other than  grimacing.  Please try one next time you're telling Bret Baier how it's been a such "a  pleasure" to be spouting ideology with him.

10) Dennis Miller just as unfunny, self-absorbed, and annoying as a conservative as he was as a liberal.  Well, at least he's consistent in some things.

Ten Reasons Why MSNBC is the Most Obnoxious

1) Unlike Fox News, does not claim to be Fair and Balanced.  Virtually screams at you right up front that it is "Obama's Bitch."

2) Frothy the Showman:  Chris Matthews regularly raises frothing at the mouth to high art as he jaws open his show, interviews himself,  has dinner with himself commenting on the excellent dinner conversation, goes home with himself, has sex with himself, and goes to bed.   And the next day, he wakes up ....

3) And the Emmy  for "Most Blatant Misuse of High Intellect for the Purpose of Haranguing and Condescending Rather than Informing and Educating"  goes to .... once again ....  Rachel Maddow!

4) The Place for Politics?  I'll say!  Certainly not the place for anything nobler.

5) Advanced supercomputer required to count number of times in one hour Al Sharpton says "Mr. Romney has to be desperate to engage in such dishonest, fraudulent, sleazy, disgusting, and highly fattening campaign tactics as calling President Obama a "boinker!"

6) Advanced supercomputer required to count number of times in one hour Sharpton guests such as Dana Milbank, Catherine Crier, and even Ed Rendell  rocket back "Absolutely, Rev!" as if  programmed to do so by Rudd Weatherwax, legendary trainer of Lassie.

7) Sure as hell wouldn't want to be caught dead by Melissa Harris-Perry reading a copy of Atlas Shrugged when taking one of her political science courses at Tulane University.

8) Martin Bashir.  Cool accent!  Uncool annoying bias.

9)  Guys, we used to be able to make fun of Fox News with impunity and without reservation. We had them looking like the idiots they are,  and you felt a need to copy them?!!

10) Chris Matthews?  Not a dick.  But can do a really  good impression of one. 


So why should you vote in the Great Fox News vs. MSNBC Election? It's not as if there will be a winner, will there?

Well, remember what it is that you are voting for.  You're voting to determine which of the two television networks is the most obnoxious, not which one is obnoxious while the other isn't. That means that whenever you may watch one ---  should you ever watch one at all --- you already know that what you're watching is opinion/entertainment/bullshit and not at all the news. 

And that, at the very least, makes you a winner!

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MSNBC's Sharpton and Matthews

  







 "Did they win the contest, Chris?"                      
                                                                             "No, Rev.  We have not yet begun to annoy!"