Thanksgiving is one holiday that tends to get lost in the shuffle, and that's a darn shame.
This is one of the few holidays that truly commemorate a meaningful event in American history, a special day when English settlers and Native Americans sat down together to carve up a turkey between them. For the next 300 years thereafter, most of the carving between them would be of the Native Americans.
So let's take a moment this Thanksgiving, preferably after we're overdosed on tryptophan, and give thanks for whatever we're most thankful for, such as:
I am thankful that ....
1) I am thankful for all of you who read my blog. May you never acquire something constructive to do.
2) I am thankful that I do not have a sign on my back that says "kick me" that is left over from high school. The one I have on my back that says "kick me" is left over from Law School.
3) I am thankful that I have never been drugged and used for sex by Bill Cosby, but then again, how would I know?
4) I am thankful that turkey and stuffing do not have an overt sexual relationship because it would be quite difficult to eat them while they are panting and moaning and crying "yes! yes! yes!" I'd probably just stick to the peas.
5) I am thankful we do not have a loudmouth racist uncle at our Thanksgiving dinner table, although I am getting rather sick of our loudmouth racist aunt.
6) I am thankful that the Zombie Apocalypse has never fallen on Thanksgiving because I don't know how well brains go with mashed potatoes.
7) I am thankful that dogs do not burst into flames when I pet them.
9) I am thankful for those lazy trypophan-filled times after the Thanksgiving meal when all of us gather around the television set in the family room to watch football but mostly fall asleep. That's when I sneak the hell out of this dump and do something fun!
10) I am thankful that I have the opportunity to live in the greatest country in the world. Once I figure out which one it is, I'm so there!
11) I am thankful for literature, poetry, and art. While other people are distracted by them, I am able to get the best seats in the house for Wrestlemania!
12) I am thankful that I do not know even one person prone to exclaiming "Hurrah for the Pumpkin Pie!," because I would have to shoot them.
13) I am thankful that women about whom I have fantasies are not telepathically able to link into them because then only women over 375 pounds who look like actor Rainn Wilson would ever talk to me. Actually, make that an even 400.
14) I am thankful that spiders do not carry handguns.
15) I am thankful that my name is not Bluesette.
16) I am thankful actor James Franco is not a member of our family because I already feel inferior enough what with the current most accomplished member of our family being a reasonably well-trained schnauzer.
17) I am thankful you do not burst into flames when I pet you, even though I have absolutely no intention of ever petting you. Or your dog.
18) I am thankful for Thanksgiving, one of the best holidays there is. May it nevermore get lost in the shuffle.
So what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? Spill it, dudes.
Unless it's pumpkin pie, in which case you better run!