Saturday, November 16, 2013

Come on in! The Coffee’s Cold and the Bagels Mummified II

Oh, you made it!  Nice to see you, thanks for coming!

Welcome to the Temple Boray Perry Men’s Club Sunday morning meeting, a/k/a “I’m so desperate to get out of the house I’d come here even if I weren’t Jewish!”

I'll be kicking off the formal meeting in a minute.  Damn it, I hate it when I use the expression "kicking off!" At my age, I'll be depressed all day.  Got to work on my phraseology!

Okay, may I have your attention please? I just want to take few moments to welcome one and few. This is the regular Sunday morning meeting of the Men’s Club of Temple Boray Perry and for those of you new to the club, I'm President Al Rothman. L00king around the room, though, I can see there hasn't been anyone new to the club since the last time Bob Dylan was a Jew.

I'm happy to say our speaker today is our friend Mr. Mel Sharpstein, owner of The Jacket Racket, where most of you probably bought the loud, inappropriate, and several-year's-old style suits your sons wore to their Bar Mitzvahs. Mel will speak on his personal view that what’s enabled the Jewish People to survive adversity for thousands of years is fine tailoring, and he'll chronicle his efforts to have the word "stunning" added to most Hebrew prayers. 

Now all of you feel free to grab yourself some coffee and a bagel. Unfortunately the coffee is about as hot as a date with Martha Stewart and the bagels feel as if they were formerly property of the National Hockey LeagueThat’s the last time I pick up our Sunday morning nosh from a place with pictures of Ted Cruz on the wall called Mary Pat's Deli! 
As you all know, this year we will soon be celebrating the holiday of Thanksgivukkah as Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall together for the first time since 1888 and the last time for thousands of years. Other than Abe Vigoda, there are few Jews who will experience it all three times.

In honor of  Thanksgivukkah, I'm delighted to announce that this Friday after shul there will be a special Men's Club pageant entitled "Mayflower Mishigoss," in which the story of the first Thanksgiving will be presented with the Pilgrims portrayed as Jews. I have to tell you it would have been way easier to put on a Christmas Pageant with everyone portrayed as Jews because 
at least in that scenario everybody was a Jew!

Also it was a bitch getting Sol Berkowitz to wear shoes with buckles.

It is my privilege to play the role of Governor Bradford, the leader of the expedition. This is ironic because in real life I get nauseous playing with the boats in my bathtub. Had I been on the Mayflower, fifteen minutes out of Plymouth Harbor I would have been hanging over the edge of ship hastily reconsidering all my criticisms of the Church of England.

"So I'll be a gentile!" I'd be saying to myself. "It beats barfing my lungs out the next three months!"

And so the Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock and immediately begin starving to death just as they'd been practicing for months before leaving England. Then one day into their midst strides Squanto, and they invite him to worship with them but he politely declines because he's had it up to here with building funds!  Squanto teaches the Pilgrims how to feed themselves by tilling the soil and working the land, lessons which save the colony but sure as hell didn't stick
with most of us all that long.  

Most of us Jews, that is.

Thanks to Squanto, the year's harvest is as rich as the doctor I hope my daughter Gretchen will marry, and the Pilgrims decide to have a celebratory feast, fully catered.  The feasting lasts days and ends only when everyone present, Pilgrim and Native American alike, is plotzed-on-the-sofa-in-front of-football-on-TV-open-mouthed-snoring-like a-son-of-a-bitch! 

Crap!  Guess I should have announced a Spoiler Alert.  Oh well, come for the free nosh anyway!

Just a few quick announcements and then all of us can return to milling about aimlessly til Mel wakes the hell up and gets here. Later in the meeting we'll be joined by Cantor Trotter and the children's choir of Temple Boray Perry who will present "Shabbat, Just Sayin'," a musical tribute to Judaism in the age of Twitter.  I haven't seen the program myself, but I understand you won't need anywhere near 140 characters to give your review once you have!

Next week our guest speaker will be Mrs. Sol Berkowitz, who'll be speaking to us about "101 Uses for Your Old Chopped Liver Grinder."  What do you want from me?!  I was in one of my drunken stupors when I booked her!

Gee, that excuse seems to work in Canada ....

Thanks, gentlemen!  Say, anybody wanna run out to Wawa and get us some damn coffee?  



Carrie Rubin said...

I'd just like to point out that a date with Martha Stewart could indeed be hot, depending on your definition of hot. She could feed me the finest cuisine, change all my linens, organize my closets, tidy up my kitchen pantry, and create some pretty fine home decor, all while I'm relaxing with a good book. I'll take that kind of hot...

Thought I'd come and comment on one of your posts since you were so kind to entertain me on Twitter. :)

Perry Block said...

That's fine. You will have no competition from either me or Al Rothman for Ms. Stewart's affections. Her personal warmth and television presence rivals that of the average chopped liver grinder, although I think the grinder would be way more fun to crank up!

Thanks for commenting, Carrie! That's two down and 198 to go.

Carrie Rubin said...

Make that 197...

Perry Block said...

Terrific! I'm well on my way to beating @carrie_rubin!