Showing posts with label Dr. Ben Carson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dr. Ben Carson. Show all posts

Monday, February 8, 2016

The Day the Man Stood Still



"Dr. Kropotkin, we've got to operate immediately on these twins! Time is of the essence! Where's Dr. Carson?"

“I’ve heard he's on his way, John … There he is, coming down the hallway right now!"

"Thank goodness!"

"Oh, no.  Not again."

"Not again what?"

“He's stopped walking. He's just standing in the hallway."

“Why?!!”

"Seems he's bad at walking down hallways. Superb at neurosurgery, bad at walking down hallways."

"What can we do, Dr. Kropotkin?  Everyone's waiting!”

"We've got to try to entice him out of the hallway.  Either that or he'll be standing there until the cows come home.  Actually, until the cows come home, take their shoes off, have dinner, and bang their wives!"

"Dr. Kropotkin, I’ve got an idea:

 Hey, Dr. Carson!  We've got hot fudge sundaes here in the Operating Room! With wet walnuts, maraschino cherries, and whipped cream too!"

"Not working, John.

“Hey, how about this:

Dr. Carson, look at Nurse Johnson over there! You know, the one with the great big bazooms? She'll be working next to you all through the eight hour surgery! Wanna come in now?”

“I could have told you that wouldn’t work, John.”

“Why?”

“Dr. Carson is a leg man.”

“Oh. Hey, I know:

“It's Jesus, Dr. Carson! He’s ready to sit for the portrait with you.”

“Uh, John?” 

“Yes, Dr. Kropotkin?”

“Jesus and Dr. Carson already had their portrait painted together. They went out to dinner afterwards.”

"Then what the hell do we do, Dr. Kropotkin?!!"

”There's one more thing to try, John:

"Dr. Ben Carson!  This is David Muir of ABC News. You are due on the stage immediately to begin the debates for the Republican Presidential nomination.”

“OMG!  Now he’s going right into the OR. Why did that work?”

“For some reason the guy thinks he wants to be president.”

“Will calling him to a Presidential debate always get him going down the hall?”

“I don't see why not.”

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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Thanksgiving Thanks A Lot



What do I give "Thanks a Lot" for this Thanksgiving?  

Well, for starters:

1) That I do not have Comcast.

2) That since I have gotten Vitiligo I have not encountered anyone with one of those sharp mini-golf pencils who's enamored of playing "Connect the Dots."


3) That my motto is and has always been "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. Then quit."


4) 
That I never paid good money to see Cirque de Soleil in Las Vegas featuring Dr. Ben Carson.

5) That I am not one of the co-stars of the movie "Youth."

6) That women do not burst into flames when I fantasize about them because the net effect would be terrible for the Earth's environment and because only Dame Judi Dench would be left. 

7) That I have finally stopped saying self-deprecating things, which is no mean feat for someone with as little self-control as I have.

8) That the picture I use on Twitter has not aged quite as badly as I have. 

9) That I have throngs of readers who love my work and also that I am sufficiently well-versed  and erudite to know the meaning of the word "throngs," which is "two."

10) That Donald Trump has never been cast to star in Anne of Green Gables.

11) That all emojis will perish in El Nino.

12) That although there is "The View," "The Talk," and "The Chew," there is no meaningful competition for my upcoming TV show "The Boring."

13) That the silly Presidential custom of pardoning a turkey will certainly end if Chris Christie is elected President.

14) That I have successfully managed not to read the latest Internet article promoted on Facebook "15 Stars You Didn't Know Didn't Know You Didn't Know That About Them." 

15) That only God can make a tree, but with the right lawyer we can break his monopoly.  

16) That so far as I know no one has ever given me an intentionally or maliciously inaccurate tooth check.

17) That Scarlett Johansson has finally stopped calling me.  Pathetic! 

18) That with a watchful eye and split second timing one can actually eat a banana when it is ripe.

19) That I have gone back in time and killed Hitler. Hey, jerk, you're welcome!

20) That I am able to enjoy a beautiful sunset. And the night of binge drinking 'til I'm sucking the carpet that follows.


Happy Thanks A Lot
Thanksgiving!


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