I was fortunate to be invited this past Thanksgiving to dinner at the house of friend whose wife is stellar in the culinary arts. Everything was terrific, a fact that was not at all lost on Denise herself, the very purveyor of the very Thanksgiving meal itself.
"Denise, this soup is really good," said a fellow guest as we began partaking of Course No. 1.
"It sure it," I added.
"It's fantastic!" exclaimed Denise, "the finest Italian Wedding Soup you'll find anywhere!"
This was unusual, I thought.
Most people are somewhat modest in a situation of this sort. They say things like "I'm so glad you like the soup" or "I'd hoped it would turn out alright," not "the stars are smiling upon you that you're privileged to eat my marvelous soup tonight!"
But it was a small complaint given the fine meal I'd been invited to.
Course No. 1 over, the turkey was served. A number of guests acknowledged its excellent taste.
"Great turkey," said a guest.
"Good stuffing too," said another.
"It's delicious!" cried out Denise "My gravy gets better every year, and the stuffing is my own very special recipe, never been equaled, never will!"
Now this was pushing it, I thought. At least give the dear departed bird a bit of the credit too.
Main course cleared away, time for desert.
"Denise, love this creme brule," said a guest.
"Yes, it's really delicious," said another.
"This is the best creme brule anyone has ever eaten in the history of the world," exulted Denise. "The dictionary definition of the word 'scrumptious!'"
I could take it no longer.
"For God's sake, Denise, sure this food is good, but it isn't the most pleasurable experience since the invention of the orgasm. Say 'thank you, I'm pleased you enjoyed my humble meal,' not 'You assholes are lucky I condescended to grace you with this food of the gods!'
There was total silence, except for a cough or two. Denise looked at me for a moment, then spoke.
"You're right, Perry. I'm sorry, I do get carried away. Say, how is your blog coming along?"
"I just wrote the fucking funniest humor piece anybody's ever read about a woman who can't stop praising her own cooking! It's unbelievably hilarious!"
Sometimes in life you just gotta blow your own horn.
oh Perry, this is so me, and you weren't even at my table
Yes, why wasn't I? Thanks, Merilyn!
I directed Argo.
And you do write fucking funniest humor pieces north of the mason-dixon line.
I knew that, Randy. The nerve of that bitch trying to take the credit away from you! And to take credit for your creme brule too! The best creme brule north, south, east and west!
Notice how Randy added that "Mason-Dixon" line in there?
Yep. I just can't compete with the Southern gentlemen (and ladies) of the Press.
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