Friday, November 28, 2014

The Not-So-Humble Chef


I was fortunate to be invited this past Thanksgiving to dinner at the house of friend whose wife is stellar in the culinary arts. Everything was indeed truly terrific, a fact that was not at all lost on Denise herself, the very purveyor of the very Thanksgiving meal itself.

"Denise, this soup is really good," said a fellow guest as we began partaking of Course No. 1.

"It sure it," I added.

"It's fantastic!" exclaimed Denise, "the finest Italian Wedding Soup you'll find anywhere!"

This was unusual, I thought.  Most people are somewhat modest in a situation of this sort.  They say things like "I'm so glad you like the soup" or "I'd hoped it would turn out alright," not "the stars are smiling upon you that you're privileged to eat my marvelous soup!"

But it was a small complaint given the fine meal I'd been invited to.

Course No. 1 was over and the piece de resistance, the turkey, was served.   A number of guests acknowledged its excellent taste.

"Great turkey," said a guest.

"Good stuffing too," said another.

"It's delicious!" cried out Denise "My gravy gets better every year, and the stuffing is my own very special recipe, never been equaled, never will!"

Now this was pushing it, I thought.  It was akin to Denise blowing herself right in front of all of us.  At least give the dear departed turkey a bit of the credit too.

Main course cleared away, it was time for desert.

"Denise, love this creme brule," said a guest.

"Yes, it's really delicious," said another.

"This is the best creme brule anyone has ever eaten in the history of the world!!!  exulted Denise. "The dictionary definition of the word 'scrumptious!'"

I could take it no longer.

"For God's sake, Denise, sure this food is good but it isn't the most pleasurable experience since the invention of the orgasm.  Say 'thank you,  I'm pleased you enjoyed my humble meal,'  not 'You assholes are lucky I condescended to grace you with this food of the gods!'

"Show a little humility!  Who do you think you are - Donald Trump? Ben Affleck? What are you going to do next - direct Argo?!!" 

There was total silence, except for a cough or two. Denise's lower lip quivered, then she spoke.

"I did direct Argo.  We decided to let Affleck take the credit."

Oh. 

In that case, I guess it is acceptable to be a little bit proud of your cooking.

And everything wasn't a total loss.  I did have a fine meal and when I went home I wrote this humor piece.  And this is the fucking funniest humor piece you're ever going to read!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Alternate Ending without Ben Affleck 

"Show a little humility!  Who do you think you are - Donald Trump? Ben Affleck? What are you going to do next - direct Argo?!!" 

At once there was total silence around the table, except for a cough or two. Denise's lower lip quivered, then she frowned.

No one said a word.  No one backed me up.  Everyone looked at their plates.

Apparently I had spoken out of turn in the gastronomic equivalent of Nazi Germany.

"Then again," I fumbled, "this ... this  really was the best creme brule I ever had!"

The room returned to normal.   Denise smiled and the guests began talking and enjoying themselves once more.  

Well, I guess I learned something that night. I did have a fine meal and when I went home I wrote this humor piece.  And this is the fucking funniest humor piece you're ever going to read! 

6 comments:

Merilyn Jackson said...

oh Perry, this is so me, and you weren't even at my table

Perry Block said...

Yes, why wasn't I? Thanks, Merilyn!

thewritersvillage said...

Fuck Denise.
I directed Argo.
And you do write fucking funniest humor pieces north of the mason-dixon line.
Randy

Perry Block said...

I knew that, Randy. The nerve of that bitch trying to take the credit away from you! And to take credit for your creme brule too! The best creme brule north, south, east and west!

Russell said...

Notice how Randy added that "Mason-Dixon" line in there?

Perry Block said...

Yep. I just can't compete with the Southern gentlemen (and ladies) of the Press.