Sunday, November 8, 2015
The Pardoner's Tale
As the 2016 Presidential campaign moves toward the Thanksgiving holiday many Americans want to know the answer to a very important question: how good at pardoning a turkey are each of the major candidates?
Donald Trump: You know, it hasn't been easy for me. I started out with just a small loan from my father in the amount of one million turkeys and I had to pay them all back with interest, including giblets and gravy. From that I've built an empire of one billion butterball turkeys! What am I going to do with them? I'll pardon the good ones and the ones that are drug runners, rapists, or have meat that's a little stringy I'm deporting to Mexico!
Dr. Ben Carson: I've led a very violent past and if you don't agree with that I'm going to knock you senseless with this tongue depressor! I've attacked a turkey with a knife, I've sliced the flesh of a turkey, and I've even eaten a turkey, although my teeth bounced off its belt buckle. Then I found Jesus who bade me to feed turkeys with grain from the pyramids (Thank you, Joseph!) and to pardon each one who formally rejects any place on the evolutionary chain.
Chris Christie: Turkey? Seriously? Where?!!!
Marco Rubio: True, I have missed a lot of votes in Congress and I may not be qualified to be President, but that doesn't mean I can't pardon a turkey with the best of them! I'll probably need two full bottles of water for the official pardoning ceremony. Actually better make that three, counting one for the turkey.
Jeb Bush: My brother, my dad, and I all feel so strongly about pardoning turkeys that I am changing my campaign slogan for the next couple days. Maybe even a whole week. It will now be: Gobble, Gobble, Jeb Won't Bobble (It!) Sure, my brother pardoned a turkey in 2004 that later went on a mad pecking spree in the Midwest, but Cheney was the one picked that turkey. At least that's what my dad said.
Bernie Sanders: I don't believe it is fair that: We are the only major country on Earth that does not guarantee pardons for all turkeys who are penitent and have done community service. We are the only major country on Earth that does not guarantee healthcare as a right to all turkeys. We are also the only major country on Earth that does not guarantee all turkeys the right to an upgrade to an I-phone. We can learn a lot from Denmark as to how a country should treat its turkeys, except quite frankly Denmark does not have any turkeys.
Hillary Clinton: The key question is: when the phone rings at 4:00 A.M. at the White House and a turkey needs to be pardoned, who do you want to answer it? I submit that would be me. I'll be up anyway preparing for the next Benghazi hearing.
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Even though I'm not Catholic, I think we should have Pope Francis pardon the turkey. Hell, why not even canonize one for sainthood? St. Thomas of Tryptophan.
I love that line! Just for that, Russell, you're pardoned.
Great post--you captured the field (wide and varied as it is) perfectly. With all these turkeys running around and squawking, maybe the real (feathered) ones will survive this year's holiday and at least this vegan will be smiling that the truly deserving silly birds survived another day!
Thank you, Lorna! My sense is that this post starts rather slowly and then picks up steam. If only it picked up some laughs! I have to ask: Is being a vegan how you got those beautiful eyes? Bring on the vegetables!
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