Joel Tannenbaum, Who Brought Kayleigh McEnany Home for Passover Dinner

We’d been going out for almost three months now and it being Passover I decided the time was right to bring my girlfriend home to meet Mom and Dad.

So it was with some trepidation but a positive attitude that I brought Kayleigh McEnany of CNN broadcaster and Donald Trump supportcaster fame to my parents’ house for the Passover Seder.

“Joel Darling,” squealed Mom as we came through the door, “Happy Pesach!”

“Happy Passover, Mom,” I reciprocated “and this is the girl I’ve been telling you about, Kayleigh McEnany, whom you’ve seen on television and … umm … my girlfriend.”

“Welcome!”  Mom replied.  “Gee … umm …that’s … umm … such a nice cross you have around the neck!  So golden and prominent.  And what’s that you’ve brought today?”

“A fruitcake,” replied Kayleigh.  “Just like at Christmas, the time of our Lord’s birth.”

While Mom valiantly fought off a gag reflex as if someone were stuffing a live pig down her throat, Dad chipped in to save the day.

“Tell me, Kayleigh” he offered cheerily, “do you really believe those nonsensical things you say on TV or are you just set up to be the bad guy, like in professional wrestling?”

Maybe I forgot to mention but in addition to being as Jewish as a chopped liver grinder in the home of every member of the Chosen People in the 1950’s, my parents were Democratic Liberals who were rooting for Adlai Stevenson, although dead many years, to still make a rousing comeback.

“Oh, no,” said Kayleigh, “I fervently believe that Mr. Trump is a new kind of leader for America, one who will take our nation under God to places never before charted.”

“Yeah,” Dad smirked, “like the sewer.”

Everything was going just as well as I hoped.

We went into the dining room and Kayleigh met my Uncle Sol and Aunt Miriam and their son, weird cousin Melvin, who was unmarried at age 50 and loved reading and re-reading Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Henry Bukowski.

“Kayleigh,” murmured Melvin shyly, “do you happen to know if Erin Burnett is seeing someone?”

“I believe every bit as much as I believe in Mr. Trump,” answered Kayleigh, “ that she’s married.”

“Oh no-o-o-o!” Melvin let out a howl like a wounded animal. "See, I’ve got this picture of Ms. Burnett over my bed, and I .…”

“Shall we go to the Seder table!”  Mom gasped.

The table looked beautiful, and I tried as best I could to explain the Seder plate to Kayleigh.

“Everything seems burnt,” she observed. “The egg, the shank bone, the smell of dinner.  Is Jewish food always burned to a crisp?”

Oy vey!

We began the service and it fell to me as the youngest male (42) to ask the traditional Four Questions.

"Why on this night do we eat matzoh," I inquired, "when we could have a corned beef special with Russian Dressing and cole slaw?"

“But why do you ask the questions if you already know the answers?” asked Kayleigh. “Is it like when Don Lemon and Jake Tapper ask stupid questions that I know all the answers to?”

“Jake Tapper – now there’s a newsman!” beamed Mom. “A nice Jewish boy from the Philadelphia area.  Kayleigh, have you ever met Jared Kushner?  You know … um … Ivanka converted for him.”

“I haven’t yet had the joyous pleasure to meet either one of them yet,” Kayleigh replied.

“Well, meet them!” urged Mom.

“Say, Joel,” whispered Uncle Sol, “have you shtupped her yet? How is Kayleigh in the old sack?”

I hadn’t the heart to tell Uncle Sol that when I thought Kayleigh was shouting “Oh Boy, Fuck Me!” for the first month of our relationship she was actually shouting “Oh Boy, Huckabee!”

“Now it’s time to welcome Elijah into our home,” said Dad.

“Who is this Elijah?” asked Kayleigh, “and how does he have the chutzpah to come so late?”

“Hey, Kayleigh!”  I said excitedly. “Can’t believe you said Chutzpah! We’re making progress.”

Actually the doorbell did ring about then and I went to answer it.  It wasn’t Elijah though. 

It was Jeffrey Lord!

“I thought you might need some help, kid.”

I’d never been so happy to see another batshit crazy Trump supporter in my life.

Well, that’s my story --- me, Joel Tannenbaum --- about the time I brought Kayleigh McEnany home for Passover Dinner.

Happy Passover, Everyone!

And, between you and me, boychick, if you’ve ever got a hankering to bring someone from CNN home for Passover Seder, please take my advice.

Make it Dana Bash.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's It All About, Afikomen?

Damn!
  I would have helped her look.

The Passover holiday which begins this year on the eve of Friday, April 22 is a truly magical time.  

Jewish families gather together to enjoy a lovely and traditional evening meal known as a Seder while recounting the ages old story of the very first Passover which celebrates freedom and features the needless deaths of thousands of people, including children, at the hands of pestilence, plagues, and the arbitrary whim of an often tyrannical and brutal Old Testament God.

Looks like somebody got up on the wrong side of the cloud!

But despite all this, Passover is probably the most fun of all the Jewish holidays, and one of the traditions that makes it so is the hiding of the Afikomen.

So, what's it all about, Afikomen? 

The Afikomen is half of a piece of matzo which has been broken in two early in the Seder and set aside to be eaten as a dessert after the meal. The name "Afikomen" comes from the ancient Hebrew and means "that which makes a dry and shitty dessert." 

The procedure is as follows: The leader of the Seder, known alternately as the Trebek or the Sajak, takes the middle piece of matzo out from a stack of three matzos and breaks it in half.  Nobody yells at him for this because the matzo is supposed to be broken, but his wife may yell at him later about other stuff. (Optional).

The Trebek or the Sajak then wraps the larger piece of matzo in a napkin, teaches it to answer to the name “Afikomen” and leaves the table to hide the Afikomen somewhere in the home. This enables the children, who may have become restless during the Seder, to engage in a little harmless fun ransacking the house.  It also provides the adults the opportunity to talk dirty.

To find the Afikomen, the children will search high and low, over and under, and to and fro.  They may also search hither and yon, but only if the house is zoned for it. They will empty cabinets, turn over lamps, and smash fine glassware. They will sack the house in the same manner as Alaric sacked Rome, and some may even bring in Alaric to consult. 

Here are some great places to hide the Afikomen:

1) Inside a book, especially if the Kardashians are your Seder guests.

2) Between the living room sofa cushions. Even the most intrepid youngster fears thrusting his or her hands into the change, chapsticks, combs, dentures, and whatever manner of man or beast is already lodged within. Frankly so do I.

3) In the sock drawer, where the socks may educate the Afikomen as to how to mysteriously vanish and turn up six months later wedged between the washer and dryer and covered with dust.

4)  Under the hood of the car. What Jewish person, adult or child, is ever going to look there?

When at long last one of the children locates and retrieves the Afikomen, he or presents it to the Trebek or the Sajak and in return receives a present, traditionally the tidy sum of one dollar.  With the changing times, however, that traditional present has changed. It is now a blender.

There's nothing like the delight in an 8 year old's eyes when he or she snags a four speed Waring blender!

Much as I enjoy the customs of Passover, there is a tinge of sadness of days of Afikomens gone by.  I'm no longer the child scrambling eagerly through my parents' house seeking the elusive matzo nor am I any longer the Trebek or Sajak -- or even the dad --- seeking the perfect hiding place for the next generation of Afikomens for my own kids. 

So, what's it all about, Afikomen? 

It's about memories, family, and tradition.  And for most of us, a hell of a lot better and sweeter desert at the end of the Seder than the Afikomen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 If you liked this post you may also like It's a Miracle!, In Search of Big Eli , and The Year We Built The Sukkah. 

If you hated this post, I hope you find yourself crossing the Red Sea, and just as you are almost fully across you hear a thundering voice echoing from on high majestically intoning "looks like you're shit out of luck, dude!"

The Resignation

"And we have Breaking News here on CNN! The knife that was found at the former OJ Simpson Property several months ago that was determined not to be the murder weapon has now been determined to be the dinner knife that OJ used to eat peas!"  

"I'm Brooke Baldwin and these are my cheek bones." 

"Joining me now is our special OJ Dream Team panel composed of ...."

"Wait! We have further Breaking News! It has just been announced that the Lord God, King of the Universe, is stepping down from his position as God from on High effective May 1, 2016.  And with us now is .... the God of our Fathers!  Welcome to CNN, sir."

"Thank you, Brooke.  By the way, great cheekbones!  Some of my best work, if I do say so myself."

"I've been meaning to thank you for them, God."

"You're welcome.  You know, Brooke, I have a son just about your age.  Would you like to meet him?"

"Perhaps we could discuss that off the air.  First up,  I want to be clear right from the beginning. What do you prefer to be called?  Yahweh?  Elohim? Allah?"

"I have always preferred Kippy.  Don't ask."

"OK, Kippy.  So, I'd like to know what's prompted you to take this rather extreme action at this time?"

"Brooke, it's not extreme at all.  I never meant for this to be a full-time job."

"No?"

"One afternoon I happened to look down and I noticed that the earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep, and I figured WTF!  I ought to do something with that.  True story!"

"About how long did it take you to put all of Creation together?" 

"I dunno, a week maybe.  I could have done it a lot more quickly if I'd used a mix."

"So what you're telling me, Kippy, is that overseeing and controlling everything that is --- the entire universe and all living things within it --- was just a hobby for you? Sort of like golf?"

"Oh, my word, Brooke, no, not at all!  Golf is much harder."

"So why are you stepping down now as Lord of the Universe?"

"I don't think I like organized religion."

"How's that?”

"Well, millions of times a day I'm asked to bless someone for sneezing. What if I don't want to bless them?  What if I want to bless you but I don't want to bless Anderson Cooper? And why should I bless anybody for spreading snotty germs anyway?" 

"I thought you were  going to mention how organized religion has fomented bigotry, hatred, violence, and war all throughout history."

"Yeah, that too."

"Is there anything you do like about religion?  How about being omniscient?" 

"Oh my me, that's  the worst!"

"How so?"

"Ever see the movie The Sixth Sense, Brooke."

"Sure."

"Imagine you're just about to watch The Sixth Sense for the first time and someone tells you the ending.

"Yeah, that would be lousy."

"Well, imagine you had that same kind of thing going on from the time of the Big Bang to the end of the Universe and beyond!"

"I get it."

"There's not a lot of suspense for me, I'm tellin' ya." 

"Do you like the holidays that come from religion?"

"I can't make hide nor hair of most of them. What's the deal with Good Friday anyway? Why is it called Good Friday?  My son was there when it started and believe me, he doesn't think there was anything good about it!"

"Do you like Passover any better?"

"It's too violent. If I'd been more focused at the time I'd have made  Death of the First Born into something more like the Severely Scraped Knee of the First Born.  That would have been more than enough to get the job done."

"Okay, Kippy, I see why you're calling it quits.  Are you also retiring?”

“Of course not!  I’m only 14 billion and a half years old.  Just this past Thursday, in fact."  

"Happy Birthday!  What’s your secret?"

"Always take the stairs."

"Do you have any plans now that you're no longer going to be King of the Universe?"

"Yes, I have a number of other interests, most of which I can't explain intelligibly to human beings.  And, of course, lotsa golf.

"Best of luck to you, Kippy!  Our time is up, but I just wanted to add one more thing now that I've finally met you after all these years."

"Yes, Brooke?"

"Funny, you don’t look Jewish."

“Yeah, I get that all the time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like And How Do You Take Your God,  Hello Yahweh!, and Go Down, Twitter. If you hated this post, I hope Elijah the Prophet comes to your house this Passover and NEVER leaves!

April Foolsover

In a highly unusual year of the Hebrew calendar that has seen Hanukkah fall at the same time as Thanksgiving and a new word "Thanksgivukkah" created, there falls now yet another bizarre confluence of holidays.   Passover begins tonight with the first Seder of the holiday taking place at sundown.

For the first time in six centuries, the initial night of Passover 2014 - the annual retelling of the Hebrews' freedom from bondage in Egypt - falls as one with April Fool's Day.

"Isn't that awesome?!" said Orthodox Rabbi Perry Ben Vereen, head of the prestigious synagogue Temple Beth Ostrosky in Havertown PA. "Passover is one of our most important holidays, but it's almost impossible not to want to screw with it at a time like this!"

Rabbi Ben Vereen says he has a number of "tricks up his sleeve" for this evening, including substituting a large French Bread for matzoh, hiding a rubber chicken for children to find instead of the traditional afikomen, and of course placing whoopie cushions on the seats of all the Seder guests, including Mrs. Ben Vereen.

Many ideas for April Foolsover pranks can be found on the website JewFool 2014, including a host of suggestions for making it appear Elijah the Prophet really has shown up at your house, guzzled the wine left for him, and groped several of the guests.  

"This year," laughed Rabbi Ben Vereen, "I'm going to provide the Traditional Four Questions with multiple choice answers and make at least two of the three wrong answers zany!  I'm going to pad out the original ten plagues like water turning to blood,  boils, and death of the first born with new ones like watching Tracy Morgan's stand-up and having to give an enema to Ted Nugent. 

"And finally," Rabbi Ben Vereen added, "I'm going to announce I'm leaving Mrs. Ben Vereen for a blonde shikseh!"

Better have fun tonight, Seder goers, because Passover and April Fool's Day won't fall together again until 2223.  

 April Fool!  

It's actually next year.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Search of Big Eli

What an Exit! 

(Elijah Ascends to Heaven by Marc Chagall)

Every year at Passover we invoke his name and welcome him into our homes even though he hasn't phoned ahead and doesn't bring so much as an Entenmann's.   And we marvel at the fact that in one night he manages to visit the homes of each and every Jewish person having a Seder and does it without a sleigh, let alone eight tiny reindeer!   

But who really is this ancient Biblical figure known as Elijah the Prophet, or Big Eli for short? 

We're in search of Elijah the Prophet,  a quest that encompasses a painstaking reading of the Holy Scriptures,  deep discussion with learned rabbis, and a quick perusal of Wikipedia including the plea for money at the top of the page.  As we await Elijah's annual arrival, it's a good idea to bone up about him so we don't accidentally welcome in the wrong  prophet and wind up with some of the silverware missing.

The origins of Elijah are quite obscure. Virtually all he know about him stems from the Holy Scriptures, the Talmud, and Elijah for Dummies, which is in its third printing.  Most visual depictions of Elijah come out of  the Christian tradition and are of doubtful reliability, especially those in which he wears a cross the size of a barnyard door.  

  Elijah?

Yep, looking really goyish here!

Elijah lived in Israel in the 9th Century B.C.E., so it's likely he was almost as technologically clueless as the average Baby Boomer.  From a very early age, Elijah demonstrated great zeal for the Lord and often demonstrated it for the entire class as part of "Great Zeal Show and Tell."   

As he grew to adulthood, Elijah became a prophet of God which is something like the post Jay Carney holds today but for much less money.  He became known throughout Israel as "he who inveighest against those fallen from the path of the Lord" and as "he who knowest the meaning of the word inveighest."  It is written in the Holy Scriptures at  1 Nudniks 19:1-4 that:

"Elijah doth call down suffering and destruction upon the faithless ones through fire and brimstone, short sheeting of their beds, and girl friends who lookest like Methuselah!" 

It seems clear that Elijah probably rarely got invited to parties. 

Elijah spoke out with special fervor against the worship of a deity named Baal.  Refusing to play ball with Baal, he resolved to test the powers of God and Baal by having altars built to both and bidding the adherents of each to pray for their favored deity to light the altars. Sure enough, Baal called in sick while God put on a sound and light show almost as good as the one at Epcot Center. Baal still can't find work today.  

It is written in the Scriptures that when his earthy sojourn was completed Elijah was lifted up onto the heavens in a mighty whirlwind, which had not been predicted.  Had a modern day weather caster like Cecily Tynan been around who could nail a forecast the way Moses could nail a plague of locusts, it's likely Elijah would have stayed indoors and wound up with an earthly sojourn culminating years later by choking on some white fish in Boca. 

Of course, Elijah is still alive and very much with us every Passover.   Each year at the Seder, Jews worldwide open their doors to Elijah, hoping for him to enter but also praying he doesn't eat much.  A special cup of wine known as Elijah's Cup is laid out for him because it's the least we can do for such a distinguished guest, even though he never thinks to bring us so much as a sponge cake!

Some thoughts about Elijah as we prepare for the Elijah World Passover Tour 2013:

How does he make it to every Seder  in one night?  True, he isn't loaded down with presents, but with 12 million Jews around the world, he can't be any slouch either.  Does he drive a hybrid? Does he have a rocket ship?  Either way, assuming he takes even a small sip from the cup at each Seder, maybe we should take his keys?

Does he actually drink from Elijah's Cup? This is the Jewish equivalent of "every mother's child is going to spy to see if reindeers really know how to fly."  Assuming your mother's children have already spied, best ask them directly about this one --- preferably before they ransack the house for the Afikomen. 

Does he ever leave?  Unfortunately, he does frequently miss  social cues like "Oh my, look at the hour!" and "Aren't you due in Cleveland around now?," but with solid technique you can get him out before Shavuous.  Just place his cup next to mouthy Uncle Claude who thinks Obama is a Muslim or let it be known that Mrs. Pressman --- the hot divorcee who showed such a provocative interest in him at last year's Seder --- won't be making it to this one. 

Why can't we see him?  He's invisible, dumbass!  If Harry Potter can manage it, don't you think Big Eli can do it without breaking a sweat under one arm, under his tallis?

And so, folks, this year let's all welcome Elijah with open arms and full heart knowing he has now been fully vetted and given a complete background check. In a season of friendly faces around the table, Elijah brings us his own friendly face which --- albeit invisible --- helps bind together all people, Jews and gentiles alike, in the spirit of freedom which is Passover.

Drink Up, Elijah!

  As long as you're not driving

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like A Rickie Gervais Pesach!, The Eight Days of Passover Redux,  and Go Down, Twitter.

If you hated this post, I hope your brisket is burned, your matzoh balls leaden, and 3,000 year old Elijah never leaves your house and starts dating your teenage daughter!  

Seder With The Stars

You were expecting maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Ever wonder what a Seder would be like at the home of your favorite celebrity?  That is, assuming your favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Well, wonder no more.  If you’d like to experience Seder with the Stars, we’ve got a taste of it for you right here.  So enjoy, already!

From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York City, this is  The Daily Show, Special Seder Edition with Jon Stewart

"Shalom!

Over the last several weeks, a video surfacing on the Internet depicting crimes and atrocities committed against thousands of people by a ruthless leader of an African country has gone viral.

It has garnered millions of hits on You-Tube, become a continuously trending topic on Twitter, and most importantly captured the imagination and indignation of both Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.

Who is this African leader and why haven't we heard more about him before?

His name is  Pharoah.

There have been many prior efforts to make people aware of Pharoah's heinous crimes. Every year, short political pamphlets known as Haggadahs recounting his actions are regularly circulated.  A delicious multi-course meal has sometimes been offered to entice people to listen to the brutal facts about this evil despot.

Even wine - as many as four intoxicating cups - has at times been provided!

But nothing has ever gotten the message out about Pharoah like the World Wide Web. Unfortunately, however, it's all too late now.   Pharaoh is already history!

Damn you, Al Gore!  If only you had invented the Internet 4,000 years earlier, we'd never have to change a dish!

Here's your Moment of Zen ......"

Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm for Charoses

"Now it's time for the youngest child to ask the Four Questions.  The only thing is:  at 64,  I'm the youngest child here. 

 So, what the hell, here goes!

Why is this night different from all other nights?  Aside from the fact we don't have burnt brisket and Susie Green for dinner every night.    

On all other nights we may eat either leavened or unleavened bread, but on this night we eat only unleavened bread.  C'mon, this is easy now ---  You shouldn't have to take notes on this one! 

On all other nights we may eat all kinds of herbs but on this night we eat only bitter herbs. It's only one night, so get over it! 

On all other nights we do not dip even once, but on this night we dip twice.   Frankly, I dip three or four times!   I'm a dipping guy!   

On all other nights, we eat sitting or reclining but on this night we sit reclining, but I can't eat reclining because it gives me heartburn.   Frankly I'm not much of a reclining guy.  I'm more of a dipping guy.

So how about I dip and you recline?" 

Woody Allen Directs Midnight in Miami Beach

The Haggadah speaks of "four sons" --- the Wise Son, the Wicked Son, the Simple Son, and the Son Who Does Not Know Enough to Inquire.

Now how would I cast these parts for my next movie, Annie Leibovitz? 

I would have to play the Wise Son because I am always asking weighty questions like 'What is the meaning of the Universe?' and 'What is the Ultimate Good?' and  'Can I get into Sarah Lawrence if I ask questions like these in the essay on the application?'

Or should I play the Wicked Son?   After all, I've always wanted to drink from Elijah's cup while his back was turned.  If only he weren't invisible, so I could tell when that was.

No, I think I should be the Simple Son.  After all, I did flunk out of Hebrew School over a test on the Ten Plagues.  I knew I shouldn't have counted Adam Sandler movies as six of them.

But the Son who doesn't know a damn thing?  That's easy.  I could cast half of Washington in that role.

Or all of Hollywood." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a Member of the Tribe?

Elijah the Prophet --- Biblical Figure said to attend every Seder everywhere. We leave a glass of wine out for him when he makes his gala but invisible entrance.  And somehow it always seems to get drained!

Four Questions --- youngest child asks these questions at the Seder.  Adults who haven't been to synagogue in over 35 years  fumble for the answers. 

Four Sons ---  If you answered Tim Considine, Don Grady, Barry Livingstone, and Stanley Livingston (or Mike, Robby, Chip, and Ernie), you are clearly a Boomer and just as clearly not Jewish. 

Four Glasses of Wine --- Why did you think this holiday was popular anyway? 

Go Down, Twitter

And it came to pass that Moses was wandering in the wilderness.

And Moses was without cell phone and laptop, and he came onto the farthest edge of the plain of Horeb, near the Mount of Midian, only a hop, skip, and a jump from Borax.

And there appeared unto Moses a bush that burneth with mighty fire yet wast not consumed, next to which wast a Dell Desktop. And Moses knew that he wast on Holy Ground and in the presence of the Lord because the Desktop employeth Microsoft Software, and yet did still respondeth and wast not locked up!

"Moses, Moses" tweeteth the Desktop. “I am the Lord, thy God!

And God tweeteth unto Moses  “I am the Lord who tweeted unto Abraham and tweeted unto Isaac but who Facebooked unto Jacob, because I was more into FB at the time.”

And Moses tweeteth back “WOOT! My Lord, is this about the bacon?”

“No, Moses,” tweeteth back the Lord. “I knowest not about the bacon, so now thou hast got even another problem with me. LOL!”

“Far be it from me to criticize, Lord” tweeteth Moses, “but shouldn’t I be the one to hand out the LOL, not thou? Thou madest the joke. I'm the audience.”

“IMHO,” tweeteth the Lord, “I am the Lord, thy God; I’ll give myself an LOL if I want!!! And that joke wast funny!"     

“Eeeehh...” tweeteth Moses.

“Moses,” tweetheth the Lord, “tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. That is, the Jews, I mean.”

“ULP! Oh, er, umm …. there’s the Failwhale!” tweeteth Moses. “Afraid I didn’t, umm, get your tweet. Yes, that’s it, didn’t get your tweet!”

“Don’t pulleth that one on me, Moses! I am omniscient. Whenever there’s really a Failwhale, I have already kicketh the desk a half dozen times before it even appeareth!"

“Lord, if I tweet that unto @Pharaoh, the reply will be less in the form of a tweet and more in the form of disembowelment! Just sayin’.”

“Fear not, Moses,” tweeteth the Lord.  “In my very best form, I don’t plan to play fair. I will visit plagues upon Egypt!”

“What doth thou mean?” Moses tweeteth. “Doth thou have a blog or something that giveth details? And perhaps a contest?”

“No, Moses. These are #TheTenPlaguesoftheLord: #Blood #Frogs #Murrain …”

“Thine use of hashtags is cute, Lord, but don't expect me to check out the relevent tweets, I've only got 4,000 years! How didst thou come up with all this?” 

“I googleth plagues,” tweeteth the Lord.

“This last one, #Deathofthefirstborn, should be a load of laughs," tweeteth Moses. "What happens after the Hebrews are freed?”

“RT: And to show His love for His people, @God parteth the Red Sea, gaveth them the Ten Commandments upon two stone tablets, and broughtest them to the Holy Land.”

“What wast that RT, Lord?” tweeteth Moses.

“I didn’t feel like working just then so I retweeted a pretty good overview from @PatRobertson. I farm out a lot to him.”

"Instead of inscribing thine Commandments on stone tablets," tweeteth Moses, "why doth we not just tweet them to the Children of Israel?”

“Because I only hath 74 followers!” tweeteth the Lord. “Look at all the Hebrews who doth not follow me back!”

“Well, thine tweets could use more bounce," tweeteth Moses.

“Now go, Moses, tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. I must complete my #Follow Friday before Shabbot.”

“I see,” tweeteth Moses. “Hmm, who is this @GeorgeClooney, Lord?”

“Uhh, y’know, Moses ... since there’s no graven images of me, I had to .. er, uh .... base my avatar on someone, so … ummm ….”

“LMAO!”  Moses tweeteth unto the Lord, his God. 

 "Think I can take it from here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~