The Microsoft Phony Phone Call II

A Short Playlet  ...

VOICE ON PHONE (odd indistinguishable accent):

Good evening, this is the Microsoft Company. I’m sorry to tell you there is a terrible, terrible, terrible problem with your personal computer!

CHARLIE

Terrible problem?

VOICE ON PHONE

Terrible, Terrible, Terrible! You don't want to know!

CHARLIE

What I do know is that you are not Microsoft, and this is the Microsoft Phony Phone Call Scam!

VOICE ON PHONE

That's not true!  And whatever you do, don’t hit “control, alt, delete” if you’re pregnant or nursing a child. 

CHARLIE

I know the drill. You con me into letting you get on my computer, you plant a virus, and then charge me an arm and a leg to fix it.

VOICE (slight pause)

Ahh, you’re right. You’re one smart young man!

CHARLIE (modestly)

Well … thank you.

VOICE

I’ll be hanging up now.  You have a nice day.

CHARLIE

Wait a moment.  I’m curious, if you don’t mind.  Why do you do this? Do you need money that badly?

VOICE

Not, not really. I got a buck or two.

CHARLIE

Then, why rip people off in such a cynical way?

VOICE

Well, my son said I needed a hobby.

CHARLIE

Your son said you … wait a minute.

VOICE

Yes?

CHARLIE

Where do you live?

VOICE

Boca Raton Florida.

CHARLIE

Whereabouts in Boca Raton?

VOICE

416 Lumley Drive, APT 7A.  A lovely garden apartment with a tasteful mezuzah by the front door.

CHARLIE

DAD!

VOICE (now DAD)

CHARLIE?  What a surprise!

CHARLIE

Ye-ah, what a surprise for me too!

DAD

And here we usually only have the opportunity to talk after Sunday nosh.  

CHARLIE

Dad, how come you have a cheesy foreign accent?  

DAD

It’s the first thing they teach you in Phony Phone Call Scam School.

CHARLIE

There's a school for this?

DAD(bragging)

Not only that, I was in the top half of the class!  

CHARLIE   

Dad, why are you doing this?

DAD

You told me I needed a hobby, remember?  Would you rather I be playing bingo?

CHARLIE

I’d rather you not be committing felonies!

DAD

Oh, Charlie, this is a nice little pastime.  You don’t have to leave the apartment, you get to meet all kinds of interesting people, and then you get to rob them.

CHARLIE

But you didn’t bring me up this way! What does Mom think of all this?

DAD

I’ll get her.  Charlotte, guess who I was about to rip off?  Charlie!

MOM

Charlie!  How nice, I’ll be right there! I’ve got a real sucker on the phone!

CHARLIE

Oh, no!  Mom, too?

DAD

She graduated higher in the class than I did.

MOM (getting on the phone)

Charlie, darling, how are you?  What a schlimazel I just had on the line.  I was looking at his hard drive; he had pornography of Judi Dench!

CHARLIE

Mom, Dad, what are you both doing?!  You guys didn’t bring me up this way!

DAD

There’s a reason we didn’t.

CHARLIE

What’s that?

DAD

There was no internet then.

CHARLIE

But conducting phony Microsoft phone calls, ripping off innocent people, this just isn’t Kosher!

DAD

You know, Charlotte, the boy’s right. What would Rabbi Schwartzman say?

MOM

Not much. He’s been dead ten years now.

CHARLIE

Mom, Dad, stop this Phony Phone Call Scam right now!

DAD

Do you think we should give back the money, son?

CHARLIE

Of course you should!  Now how much have you ripped off from people so far?

DAD

Oh, 80, 90 thousand, give or take.

CHARLIE

Okay, 80 or 90 …. WHAT?!

MOM

80 or 90 thousand, dear.  Probably closer to 90.

DAD

Yes, that’s about right.  We’re rounding

CHARLIE (breathless)

How long have you been doing this?

DAD

Two or three months. 

CHARLIE

Eighty, ninety thousand dollars from two or three months?!!

MOM

Again …  rounding.

CHARLIE

In that case:  Good evening, this is the Microsoft Company.  I’m sorry to tell you there is a terrible, terrible, terrible problem with your personal computer.

DAD

That’s not a bad indistinguishable accent there, son.

CHARLIE

Thanks, Dad.  Can you guys float me an application for the Phony Phone Call Scam School?

MOM

For sure!

CHARLIE

Maybe I’ll move down to Boca and work the system with you guys!

DAD

But, boychik, what about how you said we didn’t bring you up this way?

CHARLIE

That’s right, Mom and Dad, you didn’t.  But don't worry.

MOM

Why?

CHARLIE

I forgive you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Microsoft Phony Phone Call

Warning: This piece contains foul language. Some readers are strongly cautioned to enjoy it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting at my PC wondering why on Earth I wrote the last blogpost just prior to this one, a comedic epic which garnered fewer readers than you need for a good staring contest, when my cell phone rang.

"Hello," I said. 

I'm original and creative in my ways like that. 

"Hullooo, this is the Microsoft Company," said a heavily accented male voice, "and we have determined there is a serious problem with your personal computer." 

Now I wasn't born yesterday --- although I wish I were because I'd still be looking forward to puberty --- so I responded to the caller in a frank but relatively restrained manner to indicate I was fully on to him and his nefarious ways.

"You’re not Microsoft,” I responded. “You’re a Microsoft Phony Phone Call! This is a scam to induce me to let you onto my computer so you can infect it with malware and then charge me exorbitant fees to clean it out.”

“No, sir, this is no scam!” he insisted. “This is the real Microsoft Company and your computer is in major jeep-ar-dee!”

Okay, dude, I’ve had enough.

“You’re full of shit!”  I gracefully responded.

Now generally when you get one of these guys on the phone at this point in the conversation they either summon up one more earnest attempt to convince you they regularly lunch with Bill Gates, or they just hang up.

But that was not this gentleman’s approach.

“And you’re an asshole!” he shot back.

Amazing! The phony Microsoft guy was ready and willing to debase the level of discourse below the depths to which I’d even been willing to sink.

But so challenged, I gladly descended to the occasion.

“Douchebag!” I snorted. “How dare you scam innocent people, Dickhead?!”

“You can suck my ….!” he bellowed back.

And then I paused.

Why do curse-word laden exchanges like these happen so readily in our lives? True, the pseudo Microsoft guy’s a sleaze, but maybe he just badly needs money.  Maybe this is the best job he can get. Maybe he’s got a wife who needs a major operation and the only insurance he’s got is from the Republican Party in a parallel universe where their half-baked health care bill actually passed.

And after all, I am one-half of this execrable exchange too.  He started it?  Nah, actually I kind of did.

I'd like to say that I then turned the corner on the conversation and returned it to a level of civility, appropriate remonstrance for his unsavory behavior, and onto final farewell.

I’d like to say that, but I can’t.

"Go to Hell, You Microsoft Phony Phone Call Mother Fucker!"  I snarled, making sure to get in the last word as I slammed down the phone.

You see, I’m original and creative in my ways like that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Go Down, Twitter

And it came to pass that Moses was wandering in the wilderness.

And Moses was without cell phone and laptop, and he came onto the farthest edge of the plain of Horeb, near the Mount of Midian, only a hop, skip, and a jump from Borax.

And there appeared unto Moses a bush that burneth with mighty fire yet wast not consumed, next to which wast a Dell Desktop. And Moses knew that he wast on Holy Ground and in the presence of the Lord because the Desktop employeth Microsoft Software, and yet did still respondeth and wast not locked up!

"Moses, Moses" tweeteth the Desktop. “I am the Lord, thy God!

And God tweeteth unto Moses  “I am the Lord who tweeted unto Abraham and tweeted unto Isaac but who Facebooked unto Jacob, because I was more into FB at the time.”

And Moses tweeteth back “WOOT! My Lord, is this about the bacon?”

“No, Moses,” tweeteth back the Lord. “I knowest not about the bacon, so now thou hast got even another problem with me. LOL!”

“Far be it from me to criticize, Lord” tweeteth Moses, “but shouldn’t I be the one to hand out the LOL, not thou? Thou madest the joke. I'm the audience.”

“IMHO,” tweeteth the Lord, “I am the Lord, thy God; I’ll give myself an LOL if I want!!! And that joke wast funny!"     

“Eeeehh...” tweeteth Moses.

“Moses,” tweetheth the Lord, “tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. That is, the Jews, I mean.”

“ULP! Oh, er, umm …. there’s the Failwhale!” tweeteth Moses. “Afraid I didn’t, umm, get your tweet. Yes, that’s it, didn’t get your tweet!”

“Don’t pulleth that one on me, Moses! I am omniscient. Whenever there’s really a Failwhale, I have already kicketh the desk a half dozen times before it even appeareth!"

“Lord, if I tweet that unto @Pharaoh, the reply will be less in the form of a tweet and more in the form of disembowelment! Just sayin’.”

“Fear not, Moses,” tweeteth the Lord.  “In my very best form, I don’t plan to play fair. I will visit plagues upon Egypt!”

“What doth thou mean?” Moses tweeteth. “Doth thou have a blog or something that giveth details? And perhaps a contest?”

“No, Moses. These are #TheTenPlaguesoftheLord: #Blood #Frogs #Murrain …”

“Thine use of hashtags is cute, Lord, but don't expect me to check out the relevent tweets, I've only got 4,000 years! How didst thou come up with all this?” 

“I googleth plagues,” tweeteth the Lord.

“This last one, #Deathofthefirstborn, should be a load of laughs," tweeteth Moses. "What happens after the Hebrews are freed?”

“RT: And to show His love for His people, @God parteth the Red Sea, gaveth them the Ten Commandments upon two stone tablets, and broughtest them to the Holy Land.”

“What wast that RT, Lord?” tweeteth Moses.

“I didn’t feel like working just then so I retweeted a pretty good overview from @PatRobertson. I farm out a lot to him.”

"Instead of inscribing thine Commandments on stone tablets," tweeteth Moses, "why doth we not just tweet them to the Children of Israel?”

“Because I only hath 74 followers!” tweeteth the Lord. “Look at all the Hebrews who doth not follow me back!”

“Well, thine tweets could use more bounce," tweeteth Moses.

“Now go, Moses, tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. I must complete my #Follow Friday before Shabbot.”

“I see,” tweeteth Moses. “Hmm, who is this @GeorgeClooney, Lord?”

“Uhh, y’know, Moses ... since there’s no graven images of me, I had to .. er, uh .... base my avatar on someone, so … ummm ….”

“LMAO!”  Moses tweeteth unto the Lord, his God. 

 "Think I can take it from here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~