The Resignation

"And we have Breaking News here on CNN! The knife that was found at the former OJ Simpson Property several months ago that was determined not to be the murder weapon has now been determined to be the dinner knife that OJ used to eat peas!"  

"I'm Brooke Baldwin and these are my cheek bones." 

"Joining me now is our special OJ Dream Team panel composed of ...."

"Wait! We have further Breaking News! It has just been announced that the Lord God, King of the Universe, is stepping down from his position as God from on High effective May 1, 2016.  And with us now is .... the God of our Fathers!  Welcome to CNN, sir."

"Thank you, Brooke.  By the way, great cheekbones!  Some of my best work, if I do say so myself."

"I've been meaning to thank you for them, God."

"You're welcome.  You know, Brooke, I have a son just about your age.  Would you like to meet him?"

"Perhaps we could discuss that off the air.  First up,  I want to be clear right from the beginning. What do you prefer to be called?  Yahweh?  Elohim? Allah?"

"I have always preferred Kippy.  Don't ask."

"OK, Kippy.  So, I'd like to know what's prompted you to take this rather extreme action at this time?"

"Brooke, it's not extreme at all.  I never meant for this to be a full-time job."

"No?"

"One afternoon I happened to look down and I noticed that the earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep, and I figured WTF!  I ought to do something with that.  True story!"

"About how long did it take you to put all of Creation together?" 

"I dunno, a week maybe.  I could have done it a lot more quickly if I'd used a mix."

"So what you're telling me, Kippy, is that overseeing and controlling everything that is --- the entire universe and all living things within it --- was just a hobby for you? Sort of like golf?"

"Oh, my word, Brooke, no, not at all!  Golf is much harder."

"So why are you stepping down now as Lord of the Universe?"

"I don't think I like organized religion."

"How's that?”

"Well, millions of times a day I'm asked to bless someone for sneezing. What if I don't want to bless them?  What if I want to bless you but I don't want to bless Anderson Cooper? And why should I bless anybody for spreading snotty germs anyway?" 

"I thought you were  going to mention how organized religion has fomented bigotry, hatred, violence, and war all throughout history."

"Yeah, that too."

"Is there anything you do like about religion?  How about being omniscient?" 

"Oh my me, that's  the worst!"

"How so?"

"Ever see the movie The Sixth Sense, Brooke."

"Sure."

"Imagine you're just about to watch The Sixth Sense for the first time and someone tells you the ending.

"Yeah, that would be lousy."

"Well, imagine you had that same kind of thing going on from the time of the Big Bang to the end of the Universe and beyond!"

"I get it."

"There's not a lot of suspense for me, I'm tellin' ya." 

"Do you like the holidays that come from religion?"

"I can't make hide nor hair of most of them. What's the deal with Good Friday anyway? Why is it called Good Friday?  My son was there when it started and believe me, he doesn't think there was anything good about it!"

"Do you like Passover any better?"

"It's too violent. If I'd been more focused at the time I'd have made  Death of the First Born into something more like the Severely Scraped Knee of the First Born.  That would have been more than enough to get the job done."

"Okay, Kippy, I see why you're calling it quits.  Are you also retiring?”

“Of course not!  I’m only 14 billion and a half years old.  Just this past Thursday, in fact."  

"Happy Birthday!  What’s your secret?"

"Always take the stairs."

"Do you have any plans now that you're no longer going to be King of the Universe?"

"Yes, I have a number of other interests, most of which I can't explain intelligibly to human beings.  And, of course, lotsa golf.

"Best of luck to you, Kippy!  Our time is up, but I just wanted to add one more thing now that I've finally met you after all these years."

"Yes, Brooke?"

"Funny, you don’t look Jewish."

“Yeah, I get that all the time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like And How Do You Take Your God,  Hello Yahweh!, and Go Down, Twitter. If you hated this post, I hope Elijah the Prophet comes to your house this Passover and NEVER leaves!

In Search of Big Eli

What an Exit! 

(Elijah Ascends to Heaven by Marc Chagall)

Every year at Passover we invoke his name and welcome him into our homes even though he hasn't phoned ahead and doesn't bring so much as an Entenmann's.   And we marvel at the fact that in one night he manages to visit the homes of each and every Jewish person having a Seder and does it without a sleigh, let alone eight tiny reindeer!   

But who really is this ancient Biblical figure known as Elijah the Prophet, or Big Eli for short? 

We're in search of Elijah the Prophet,  a quest that encompasses a painstaking reading of the Holy Scriptures,  deep discussion with learned rabbis, and a quick perusal of Wikipedia including the plea for money at the top of the page.  As we await Elijah's annual arrival, it's a good idea to bone up about him so we don't accidentally welcome in the wrong  prophet and wind up with some of the silverware missing.

The origins of Elijah are quite obscure. Virtually all he know about him stems from the Holy Scriptures, the Talmud, and Elijah for Dummies, which is in its third printing.  Most visual depictions of Elijah come out of  the Christian tradition and are of doubtful reliability, especially those in which he wears a cross the size of a barnyard door.  

  Elijah?

Yep, looking really goyish here!

Elijah lived in Israel in the 9th Century B.C.E., so it's likely he was almost as technologically clueless as the average Baby Boomer.  From a very early age, Elijah demonstrated great zeal for the Lord and often demonstrated it for the entire class as part of "Great Zeal Show and Tell."   

As he grew to adulthood, Elijah became a prophet of God which is something like the post Jay Carney holds today but for much less money.  He became known throughout Israel as "he who inveighest against those fallen from the path of the Lord" and as "he who knowest the meaning of the word inveighest."  It is written in the Holy Scriptures at  1 Nudniks 19:1-4 that:

"Elijah doth call down suffering and destruction upon the faithless ones through fire and brimstone, short sheeting of their beds, and girl friends who lookest like Methuselah!" 

It seems clear that Elijah probably rarely got invited to parties. 

Elijah spoke out with special fervor against the worship of a deity named Baal.  Refusing to play ball with Baal, he resolved to test the powers of God and Baal by having altars built to both and bidding the adherents of each to pray for their favored deity to light the altars. Sure enough, Baal called in sick while God put on a sound and light show almost as good as the one at Epcot Center. Baal still can't find work today.  

It is written in the Scriptures that when his earthy sojourn was completed Elijah was lifted up onto the heavens in a mighty whirlwind, which had not been predicted.  Had a modern day weather caster like Cecily Tynan been around who could nail a forecast the way Moses could nail a plague of locusts, it's likely Elijah would have stayed indoors and wound up with an earthly sojourn culminating years later by choking on some white fish in Boca. 

Of course, Elijah is still alive and very much with us every Passover.   Each year at the Seder, Jews worldwide open their doors to Elijah, hoping for him to enter but also praying he doesn't eat much.  A special cup of wine known as Elijah's Cup is laid out for him because it's the least we can do for such a distinguished guest, even though he never thinks to bring us so much as a sponge cake!

Some thoughts about Elijah as we prepare for the Elijah World Passover Tour 2013:

How does he make it to every Seder  in one night?  True, he isn't loaded down with presents, but with 12 million Jews around the world, he can't be any slouch either.  Does he drive a hybrid? Does he have a rocket ship?  Either way, assuming he takes even a small sip from the cup at each Seder, maybe we should take his keys?

Does he actually drink from Elijah's Cup? This is the Jewish equivalent of "every mother's child is going to spy to see if reindeers really know how to fly."  Assuming your mother's children have already spied, best ask them directly about this one --- preferably before they ransack the house for the Afikomen. 

Does he ever leave?  Unfortunately, he does frequently miss  social cues like "Oh my, look at the hour!" and "Aren't you due in Cleveland around now?," but with solid technique you can get him out before Shavuous.  Just place his cup next to mouthy Uncle Claude who thinks Obama is a Muslim or let it be known that Mrs. Pressman --- the hot divorcee who showed such a provocative interest in him at last year's Seder --- won't be making it to this one. 

Why can't we see him?  He's invisible, dumbass!  If Harry Potter can manage it, don't you think Big Eli can do it without breaking a sweat under one arm, under his tallis?

And so, folks, this year let's all welcome Elijah with open arms and full heart knowing he has now been fully vetted and given a complete background check. In a season of friendly faces around the table, Elijah brings us his own friendly face which --- albeit invisible --- helps bind together all people, Jews and gentiles alike, in the spirit of freedom which is Passover.

Drink Up, Elijah!

  As long as you're not driving

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like A Rickie Gervais Pesach!, The Eight Days of Passover Redux,  and Go Down, Twitter.

If you hated this post, I hope your brisket is burned, your matzoh balls leaden, and 3,000 year old Elijah never leaves your house and starts dating your teenage daughter!  

Seder With The Stars

You were expecting maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Ever wonder what a Seder would be like at the home of your favorite celebrity?  That is, assuming your favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Well, wonder no more.  If you’d like to experience Seder with the Stars, we’ve got a taste of it for you right here.  So enjoy, already!

From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York City, this is  The Daily Show, Special Seder Edition with Jon Stewart

"Shalom!

Over the last several weeks, a video surfacing on the Internet depicting crimes and atrocities committed against thousands of people by a ruthless leader of an African country has gone viral.

It has garnered millions of hits on You-Tube, become a continuously trending topic on Twitter, and most importantly captured the imagination and indignation of both Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.

Who is this African leader and why haven't we heard more about him before?

His name is  Pharoah.

There have been many prior efforts to make people aware of Pharoah's heinous crimes. Every year, short political pamphlets known as Haggadahs recounting his actions are regularly circulated.  A delicious multi-course meal has sometimes been offered to entice people to listen to the brutal facts about this evil despot.

Even wine - as many as four intoxicating cups - has at times been provided!

But nothing has ever gotten the message out about Pharoah like the World Wide Web. Unfortunately, however, it's all too late now.   Pharaoh is already history!

Damn you, Al Gore!  If only you had invented the Internet 4,000 years earlier, we'd never have to change a dish!

Here's your Moment of Zen ......"

Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm for Charoses

"Now it's time for the youngest child to ask the Four Questions.  The only thing is:  at 64,  I'm the youngest child here. 

 So, what the hell, here goes!

Why is this night different from all other nights?  Aside from the fact we don't have burnt brisket and Susie Green for dinner every night.    

On all other nights we may eat either leavened or unleavened bread, but on this night we eat only unleavened bread.  C'mon, this is easy now ---  You shouldn't have to take notes on this one! 

On all other nights we may eat all kinds of herbs but on this night we eat only bitter herbs. It's only one night, so get over it! 

On all other nights we do not dip even once, but on this night we dip twice.   Frankly, I dip three or four times!   I'm a dipping guy!   

On all other nights, we eat sitting or reclining but on this night we sit reclining, but I can't eat reclining because it gives me heartburn.   Frankly I'm not much of a reclining guy.  I'm more of a dipping guy.

So how about I dip and you recline?" 

Woody Allen Directs Midnight in Miami Beach

The Haggadah speaks of "four sons" --- the Wise Son, the Wicked Son, the Simple Son, and the Son Who Does Not Know Enough to Inquire.

Now how would I cast these parts for my next movie, Annie Leibovitz? 

I would have to play the Wise Son because I am always asking weighty questions like 'What is the meaning of the Universe?' and 'What is the Ultimate Good?' and  'Can I get into Sarah Lawrence if I ask questions like these in the essay on the application?'

Or should I play the Wicked Son?   After all, I've always wanted to drink from Elijah's cup while his back was turned.  If only he weren't invisible, so I could tell when that was.

No, I think I should be the Simple Son.  After all, I did flunk out of Hebrew School over a test on the Ten Plagues.  I knew I shouldn't have counted Adam Sandler movies as six of them.

But the Son who doesn't know a damn thing?  That's easy.  I could cast half of Washington in that role.

Or all of Hollywood." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a Member of the Tribe?

Elijah the Prophet --- Biblical Figure said to attend every Seder everywhere. We leave a glass of wine out for him when he makes his gala but invisible entrance.  And somehow it always seems to get drained!

Four Questions --- youngest child asks these questions at the Seder.  Adults who haven't been to synagogue in over 35 years  fumble for the answers. 

Four Sons ---  If you answered Tim Considine, Don Grady, Barry Livingstone, and Stanley Livingston (or Mike, Robby, Chip, and Ernie), you are clearly a Boomer and just as clearly not Jewish. 

Four Glasses of Wine --- Why did you think this holiday was popular anyway? 

A Ricky Gervais Pesach!

Seems to me British comedian Ricky Gervais was a strange choice to host the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards.

If the honchos who run the Golden Globes didn’t want somebody unafraid to push the envelope, they could have picked me. Personally I’m scared to death to push the envelope, especially if I think it might contain money.

Whether you think Mr. Gervais is one of the most talented comedic minds to come along in years or a flat out jerk (or both), inviting him to host the Golden Globes was sort of like inviting him to host your Passover Seder. And who the heck would ever do that?

“Ladies and gentleman, it’s the 4,387th Annual Jewish People’s Passover Seder Ceremony. And now your Host and Conductor of the Seder, Mr. Ricky Gervais!”

Huge Applause!

(Yep, somebody must have gotten into the Manischevitz early!)

"Hello, I'm Ricky Gervais. Welcome to the 4,387th Annual Jewish People’s Passover Seder Ceremony live from Perry Block's house in beautiful Havertown PA. It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, 'Not bad, but what happened to all the begatting?'

Now before me is the Seder Plate, and round the plate are symbols of Passover. We partake of the Bitter Herbs to remind us that the bitterness of slavery was almost as bad as having to sit through The Tourist. We eat the mixture of apple, nuts, and cinnamon known as Charoses to remember the mortar used to build Pharoah’s pyramids when the Jews were in captivity --- something Robert Downey Jr. is very familiar with. And the Roasted Shankbone from a Lamb is meant to signify Sara Jessica Parker’s profile.

Early in the Seder, I’ll break off a piece of matzo, wrap it in a napkin, and hide it. 'What’s it all about Afikomen?' you ask. Well, all the children look for the matzo, and the one who finds it gets a dollar! And yes, Demi Moore: Ashton Kutcher is eligible to participate!

The Afikomen could be anywhere in the house. Behind a bookcase, under a pillow, or even in Cher’s cleavage. What a lesson for Hollywood! You can always make money by reaching in for something old, repackaged, and done to death!

The Four Questions, a very moving part of the Seder, are next traditionally asked by the youngest person present. Since the youngest person here happens to be a budding scientologist, I can fairly well predict that two of those questions will be 'Wondering why Tom Cruise is at our Seder tonight, Mom and Dad?' and 'Mom, do you happen to know a good place to pick out drapes?'

Actually, the real Four Questions are inquiries about why this night is different from all other nights, and they are:

1) On all other nights we eat either leavened or unleavened bread, but on this night we eat only unleavened bread to remember how flat Robert De Niro’s jokes fell.
2) On all other nights we eat any type of herb, but this night we eat only bitter herbs. No, I’m not talkin’ about The Tourist again!
3) On all other nights we do not dip even once but on this night we dip more often than Tim Allen’s career.
4) On all other nights we eat sitting up, but on this night we eat reclining so Charlie Sheen doesn’t have to feel any different from the rest of us.

Next we’ll tell the story of the Exodus from Egypt itself, recounting each of the Ten Plagues --- otherwise known as any random ten minutes from Tracy Morgan: Black and Blue on HBO --- and culminating in the Parting of the Red Sea, something which Bruce Willis wishes he could do with his hair. By the way, some of the actual plagues --- blood, pestilence, darkness, wild beasts --- sound like something straight out of a disaster movie.

No, I’m not talkin’ about The Tourist again!

Then it will be time for us to open the door to welcome the venerable and centuries-old Elijah the Prophet to our Seder. I don’t want to say that Elijah is long in the tooth, but when it comes time to let him in, Hugh Hefner better not turn his back on Crystal Harris. That cup of wine on the table for Elijah might not be the only thing that's going down!

Finally, we’ll finish by having Grace after the meal. About which Charlie Sheen would say 'Now you’re talking!'

Before we begin, I’d like to offer a short blessing:

Blessed art Thou, 0 Lord our G-d, for makin' me an atheist. Except for tonight, when being a Jew is the best thing going because all this stuff LOOKS AND SMELLS FANTASTIC!

L’Chaim! And wake the hell up, Charlie Sheen!"