Saturday, March 19, 2011

Go Down, Twitter

And it came to pass that Moses was wandering in the wilderness.

And Moses was without cell phone and laptop, and he came onto the farthest edge of the plain of Horeb, near the Mount of Midian, only a hop, skip, and a jump from Borax.

And there appeared unto Moses a bush that burneth with mighty fire yet wast not consumed, next to which wast a Dell Desktop. And Moses knew that he wast on Holy Ground and in the presence of the Lord because the Desktop employeth Microsoft Software, and yet did still respondeth and wast not locked up!

"Moses, Moses" tweeteth the Desktop. “I am the Lord, thy God!

And God tweeteth unto Moses  “I am the Lord who tweeted unto Abraham and tweeted unto Isaac but who Facebooked unto Jacob, because I was more into FB at the time.”

And Moses tweeteth back “WOOT! My Lord, is this about the bacon?”

“No, Moses,” tweeteth back the Lord. “I knowest not about the bacon, so now thou hast got even another problem with me. LOL!

“Far be it from me to criticize, Lord” tweeteth Moses, “but shouldn’t I be the one to hand out the LOL, not thou? Thou madest the joke. I'm the audience.”

“IMHO,” tweeteth the Lord, “I am the Lord, thy God; I’ll give myself an LOL if I want!!! And that joke wast funny!"     

“Eeeehh...” tweeteth Moses.

Moses,” tweetheth the Lord, “tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. That is, the Jews, I mean.”

“ULP! Oh, er, umm …. there’s the Failwhale!” tweeteth Moses. “Afraid I didn’t, umm, get your tweet. Yes, that’s it, didn’t get your tweet!”

“Don’t pulleth that one on me, Moses! I am omniscient. Whenever there’s really a Failwhale, I have already kicketh the desk a half dozen times before it even appeareth!"

Lord, if I tweet that unto @Pharaoh, the reply will be less in the form of a tweet and more in the form of disembowelment! Just sayin’.”

“Fear not, Moses,” tweeteth the Lord.  “In my very best form, I don’t plan to play fair. I will visit plagues upon Egypt!”

“What doth thou mean?” Moses tweeteth. “Doth thou have a blog or something that giveth details? And perhaps a contest?”

“No, Moses. These are #TheTenPlaguesoftheLord: #Blood #Frogs #Murrain …”

“Thine use of hashtags is cute, Lord, but don't expect me to check out the relevent tweets, I've only got 4,000 years! How didst thou come up with all this?” 

“I googleth plagues,” tweeteth the Lord.

“This last one, #Deathofthefirstborn, should be a load of laughs," tweeteth Moses. "What happens after the Hebrews are freed?”

RT: And to show His love for His people, @God parteth the Red Sea, gaveth them the Ten Commandments upon two stone tablets, and broughtest them to the Holy Land.”

“What wast that RT, Lord?” tweeteth Moses.

“I didn’t feel like working just then so I retweeted a pretty good overview from @PatRobertson. I farm out a lot to him.”

"Instead of inscribing thine Commandments on stone tablets," tweeteth Moses, "why doth we not just tweet them to the Children of Israel?”

“Because I only hath 74 followers!” tweeteth the Lord. “Look at all the Hebrews who doth not follow me back!”

“Well, thine tweets could use more bounce," tweeteth Moses.

“Now go, Moses, tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. I must complete my #Follow Friday before Shabbot.”

“I see,” tweeteth Moses. “Hmm, who is this @GeorgeClooney, Lord?”

“Uhh, y’know, Moses ... since there’s no graven images of me, I had to .. er, uh .... base my avatar on someone, so … ummm ….”

LMAO!”  Moses tweeteth unto the Lord, his God. 

 "Think I can take it from here."



Anonymous said...

Funny post :)

The main issue I have with Twitter etc. is that the definition of "emergency" has been redefined to any query which doesn't get answered in 30 seconds - no matter the importance.

Lexi said...

I like it :o)

Perry Block said...


The big guy :@) and I thankest you for your nice comment. (Yes, he could use a nose job, you gonna tell him?)

The problem I have with Twitter is that we have clad world-changing technology in the parlance of a toy for an 8 year old child.

"Whaddya want for Christmas, Jimmy?"

"I wanna new Twitter!"

"Sure, Jimmy!" ("Damn, they really soak you, tweets are only sold separately!")

I think a large part of the reason Twitter used to be regarded as more low rent than FB was simply the name. Anyway, thanks again for your tweet, Man!

Perry Block said...


Thou hast found favor in the eyes of @PerryBlock.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow thee all the days of this blog ....

kdmccrite said...

I sitteth on my front porch and laugheth my head off at this until, lo and behold, all my neighbors didst emerge from their own doors and behold my hilarity then didst they retreat into their homes once more, and the sound of locks being turned swiftly wast heard across the land.

Perry Block said...

And the Lord shall rewardeth you with #Follow Fridays and #WishIwereasniceas's all the days of thy life and thou and thy kinswoman Mae shalt dwell in the house of Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute forever.

I hope.

K.B. Owen said...

So glad you were NOT struck down by lightning for posting this! (You weren't, were you??).

ROFL!. Great post, Perry.

Perry Block said...

No, I wasn't struck down by lighting, K.B.

However, I was hoping that when I became a pillar, it would be of the community.

Thanks for your comment!

Debra Lazar said...

ROFLMAO! You should tweet this in honor of Passover, which is right around the corner. After four glasses of wine, it'll be even funnier!

Perry Block said...


After four glasses of wine, Jay Leno would be funny!

Happy Pesach!

H. Gillham said...

LOL -- what a delight to read.

Megan Willome said...

Very funny! Thanks for a good start to my morning.

Perry Block said...

Megan & H,
Thanks for your nice comments.

I am happy to have provided this meaningful religious experience for those who trust in and love Twitter!

Glad you enjoyed!

Shoshana said...

OMG - Happy Passover!

Winonah said...

It's not as silly as it sounds. Give him a smartphone and Moses would have whined in text like he did in life.

Perry Block said...

Nothing silly about any part of this piece, Winonah!

I happen to know that @God actually does look like @GeorgeClooney's less attractive older brother.

Nina B said...

Hilarious! Going to tweet now! Didn't want to tweet it at midnight, which really doesn't help you.

Nina B said...

Also, you should definitely turn off your word-captcha thing, which makes it kind of hard to comment. Just a tip! Sorry to be pushy. ;)

Perry Block said...

Thanks for your comment, Nina, glad you liked the post.

I have just figured out how to turn off the "word captcha" thing, which I didn't know was on, which I didn't know what it was, but now it's off. I am now expecting a flood of comments on all posts.

I hope at least a few of them are positive ...