Monday, June 23, 2014

Hello Yahweh!

Hello Yahweh!

Rabbi Debbie King is perhaps the last person you'd expect to invent a whole new branch of Judaism. 

In Rabbinical School she was voted "Most Likely to Pass Out at Circumcisions." 

Yet the world is now abuzz with news that Rabbi Debbie has wrought the greatest innovation to Judaism since Moses lugged two engraved tablets down the mountain and advised the Jewish people to take one and call him in the morning.

Her innovation is an entirely new branch of Judaism called "Hello Yahweh."

 "The state of the world had caused me to wonder," Rabbi King said. "How could a just God allow war, poverty, disease, and ABBA?  Why would the Supreme Ruler of the Universe permit the Jews to be so unfairly mistreated for centuries when only one Jew, comedian Bob Saget, actually deserves it? 

And why is there death when we already have blind dates?"

"God cannot be evil," Rabbi Debbie said, "so there can be only one answer to why the world is so troubled."  

"God just doesn't consider it a full-time job."

 From that she developed Hello Yahweh,  the purpose of which is to get on God's case. 

"We begin each service with a special greeting for the divinity,"  explained the Rabbi. "The Congregation in unison says: 

"Hello, Yahweh," 

just like Jerry Seinfeld says to Newman.   And  God responds: 

"Hello, Jewry" 

("He doesn't actually say this, adds the Rabbi, "or we'd all get a shrek! It's in the liturgy.")

"We next partake of Chodosh Orov or the Holy Performance Evaluation, in which we review the Supreme Ruler of the Universe's performance for the past week," explained the Rabbi. "The congregation reads the Evaluation Form silently while I read aloud.

 We then rate the Lord in three specific categories: Omnipotence,  Omniscience,  and Punctuality."

“How does he generally do? So far this year hasn't been great. He’s being tutored in everything except Punctuality.”
"It's Tough God Love!" said Rabbi King. 
"We're holding Hashem accountable. When he acts like a schlub, we treat him like Newman. If he does better, more like George and so forth."
News of Hello Yahweh is spreading and  many feel a deep sense of comfort in knowing that God can be every bit as much of a lame ass as they are.  And if even one war ends or disease is cured as a result of God working harder to raise his D in Omnipotence up to a C+ ,  there's hope for the rest of us to stop screwing up too. 

Plus getting rid of the disease and war are kind of good things on their own. 

"I believe God doesn't want us to always be kissing his ass," concluded Rabbi Debbie King, the now famous founder of Hello Yahweh. 

"He just wants us to give it a good swift kick every now and then." 



Anonymous said...

This is adorable...had me laughing out loud at work!

Perry Block said...

Glad you enjoyed. I thank you .... and Hello Yahweh thanks you!

Russell said...

Geez, no wonder God's Chosen People stay in hot water with the Big Guy all the time. We Gentiles are scared shitless of Him, especially down here in the Bible Belt. I think He's been too busy watching World Cup Soccer to have much time for Rabbi Debbie and her nag, nag, nagging.

Perry Block said...

We were scared of him for 2,000 years, the whole running of the Old Testament. "Smiting this one, smiting that one..." enough already! Rabbi Debbie called him on it. Sure, I'd rather have Kramer or George than Newman for a God, but it's nice to get back at him a bit. No masturbation, come on now, Big Guy!