Monday, June 23, 2014

Hello Yahweh!

Hello Yahweh!

Rabbi Debbie King is perhaps the last person you'd expect to invent a whole new branch of Judaism. 

In Rabbinical School she was voted "Most Likely to Pass Out at Circumcisions." Her sermons were always interesting but her delivery would never win her a Tony,  especially if she were up against Nathan Lane.   When she asked the Four Questions at Passover, she always provided multiple choice answers and allowed everyone two or three guesses to get them right.  

Yet the world is now abuzz with news that Rabbi Debbie has wrought the greatest innovation to Judaism since Moses lugged two engraved tablets down the mountain and advised the Jewish people to take one and call him in the morning.

"The state of the world had caused me to wonder," spoke Rabbi King in our exclusive interview, "how could a just God allow war, poverty, disease, and ABBA?  Why would the Supreme Ruler of the Universe permit the Jews to be so unfairly mistreated for centuries when only one Jew, comedian Bob Saget, actually deserves it?  And why is there death when we already have blind dates?"

God cannot be evil or corrupt, Rabbi Debbie reasoned, so there could be only one answer as to why the world is so troubled.  God just doesn't consider it a full-time job. From that she developed the new brand of Judaism  known as Hello Yahweh

"We begin each service with a special greeting for the divinity,"  explained the Rabbi. "The Congregation in unison says: 

"Hello, Yahweh," 

just like Jerry Seinfeld says to Newman on Seinfeld whenever he runs into him.   And we imagine in turn that God responds: 

"Hello, Jewry" 

The Rabbi explained that she means no disrespect to the God of our Fathers. "When God acts like a schlub, we call him on it! " she said.  "We're holding him accountable to live up to his full potential. Until he gets his act together, we treat him just like Newman, no better, no worse."

Some traditional prayers of Judaism have been altered to reflect the new approach.  The Rabbi chanted several of them for us:

Restive Art Thou our Lord our God, who createst the fruit of the vine, but keepest all the best vintage for himself.

Restive Art Thou our Lord our God,  who createst the fruit of the fields, but includest annoying pits and seeds that get stucketh in our teeth.  

Restive Art Thou our Lord our God, who createst the bread of the earth, but fillest it with gluten.

"We next partake of Chodosh Orov or the Heavenly Performance Appraisal, in which we review the Supreme Ruler of the Universe's performance for the past week," explained the Rabbi. "The congregation reads the Appraisal Form silently while I read aloud, and we then rate the Lord in three specific categories: Omnipotence,  Omniscience,  and Punctuality."

"It's Tough God Love!" she added.

News of Hello Yahweh is spreading and though it clearly isn't for everybody,  many feel a deep sense of comfort in knowing that God can be every bit as inept as they are.  And if even one war ends or disease is cured as a result,  that means there's hope for the rest of us to stop screwing up too. Plus getting rid of the disease and war are kind of good things on their own as well.

"I believe God doesn't want us to be kissing his ass all the time," concluded Rabbi Debbie King, the now famous founder of Hello Yahweh. 

"He just wants us to give it a good swift kick every now and then." 



cheryllynnroberts said...

This is adorable...had me laughing out loud at work!

Perry Block said...

Glad you enjoyed. I thank you .... and Hello Yahweh thanks you!

Russell said...

Geez, no wonder God's Chosen People stay in hot water with the Big Guy all the time. We Gentiles are scared shitless of Him, especially down here in the Bible Belt. I think He's been too busy watching World Cup Soccer to have much time for Rabbi Debbie and her nag, nag, nagging.

Perry Block said...

We were scared of him for 2,000 years, the whole running of the Old Testament. "Smiting this one, smiting that one..." enough already! Rabbi Debbie called him on it. Sure, I'd rather have Kramer or George than Newman for a God, but it's nice to get back at him a bit. No masturbation, come on now, Big Guy!