"And we have
Breaking News here on CNN! The knife that was found at the former OJ Simpson Property several
months ago that was determined not to be the murder weapon has
now been determined to be the dinner knife that OJ used to eat peas!"
"I'm Brooke Baldwin
and these are my cheek bones."
"Joining me now is our special OJ Dream Team panel composed of ...."
"Wait! We have further Breaking
News! It has just been announced that the Lord God, King of
the Universe, is stepping down from his position as God from on High effective
May 1, 2016. And with us now is .... the God of our Fathers! Welcome
to CNN, sir."
"Thank you, Brooke.
By the way, great cheekbones! Some of my best work, if I do say so
myself."
"I've been meaning
to thank you for them, God."
"You're welcome.
You know, Brooke, I have a son just about your age. Would you like to meet him?"
"Perhaps we could discuss that off the air. First up, I want to be clear right from the beginning. What do you
prefer to be called? Yahweh? Elohim? Allah?"
"I have always preferred Kippy. Don't ask."
"OK, Kippy. So, I'd like to know what's
prompted you to take this rather extreme action at this time?"
"Brooke, it's not extreme at all. I never meant for this
to be a full-time job."
"No?"
"One
afternoon I happened to look down and I noticed that the earth was without form
and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep, and I figured WTF!
I ought to do something with that. True story!"
"About how long did it take you to put all of Creation together?"
"I dunno, a week maybe. I could have done it a lot more quickly if I'd used a mix."
"So
what you're telling me, Kippy, is that overseeing and controlling everything that is --- the entire universe and all living things within it --- was just a hobby
for you? Sort of like golf?"
"Oh, my word, Brooke, no, not at all! Golf is much harder."
"So
why are you stepping down now as Lord of the Universe?"
"I don't think I like organized religion."
"How's that?”
"Well, millions of times a day I'm asked to bless someone for
sneezing. What if I don't want to bless them? What if I want to bless you but I don't want to bless Anderson Cooper? And why should I bless anybody for spreading snotty germs anyway?"
"I thought you were going to mention how organized religion has fomented bigotry, hatred, violence, and war all throughout history."
"Yeah, that too."
"Is there anything you do like about religion? How about being omniscient?"
"Oh my me, that's the worst!"
"How so?"
"Ever see the movie The Sixth Sense, Brooke."
"Sure."
"Imagine you're just about to watch The Sixth Sense for the first time and someone tells you the ending.
"Yeah, that would be lousy."
"Well, imagine you had that same kind of thing going on from the time of the Big Bang to the end of the Universe and beyond!"
"I get it."
"There's not a lot of suspense for me, I'm tellin' ya."
"Do you like the holidays that come from religion?"
"Oh my me, that's the worst!"
"How so?"
"Ever see the movie The Sixth Sense, Brooke."
"Sure."
"Imagine you're just about to watch The Sixth Sense for the first time and someone tells you the ending.
"Yeah, that would be lousy."
"Well, imagine you had that same kind of thing going on from the time of the Big Bang to the end of the Universe and beyond!"
"I get it."
"There's not a lot of suspense for me, I'm tellin' ya."
"Do you like the holidays that come from religion?"
"I
can't make hide nor hair of most of them. What's the deal with Good Friday
anyway? Why is it called Good Friday? My son was there when it
started and believe me, he doesn't think there was anything good about it!"
"Do you like Passover any better?"
"It's too violent. If I'd been more focused at the time
I'd have made Death of
the First Born into something more like the Severely Scraped Knee of the
First Born. That would have been more than
enough to get the job done."
"Okay, Kippy, I see why you're calling it quits. Are you also retiring?”
“Of course not! I’m only 14 billion and a half years old. Just this past Thursday, in fact."
"Happy Birthday! What’s your secret?"
"Always
take the stairs."
"Do you have any plans now that you're no longer going to be King of the Universe?"
"Yes, I have a number of other interests, most of which I can't explain intelligibly to human beings.
And, of course, lotsa golf.
"Best of luck to you, Kippy! Our time is up, but I just wanted to add one more thing now that I've finally met you after all these years."
"Yes, Brooke?"
"Yes, Brooke?"
"Funny, you don’t look Jewish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you liked this post, you might also like And How Do You Take Your God, Hello Yahweh!, and Go Down, Twitter. If you hated this post, I hope Elijah the Prophet comes to your house this Passover and NEVER leaves!
