Appreciation Day for Croak-fil-A

"We do Dead Chicken Right!"

The Unfortunate Slogan and Logo of Croak-fil -A 

One of the least successful of America's fast food eateries is finding itself in a controversy these days, one that --- pardon the pun --- just won't seem to fly the coop! 

Since its founding in 2007,  Croak-fil-A of Kretschmer WI has stumbled in a number of marketing areas beginning with its questionable premise of focusing on the deadness of its chicken rather than its tastiness. 

In addition to its logo (shown above)  coupled with the catchphrase "We do Dead Chicken Right," Croak-fil-A's  menu items include: 

The Quarter Corpser

Finger Lickin' Fatal Fries,

 and

Very Cold Wings

Sales at Croak-fil-A franchises have been flat (completely flat!) with most customers being assorted goth types and really over-the-top fans of Quentin Tarantino. 

Recently, however, Croak-fil-A got itself in even deeper trouble when its CEO, Dan Patty,  made the statement that "We're inviting God's judgment on us when we think we know better than him the shape of the planet he made.  The Bible doesn't say anything about the Earth being round!"   

"I  prefer the idea of a flat Planet Earth,"  said Mr. Patty. "If I ever have to fly to England, I'll be a lot less nauseous without having to go round any sharp curves.  Plus I can't wait to see me that waterfall at world's end,  I'm so saving up for the trip!"

Given Croak-fil-A's moribund financials, Mr. Patty's got a lot of saving to do.  A  so-called Appreciation Day for Croak-fil-A yesterday had lines at its three locations stretched one deep around the entrance way.   

Should  Mr. Patty be free to express his personal and sincerely held beliefs openly in America?

Of course.

But thinking the world is flat isn't so much a belief as a delusion, a wish that the world would be something other the way it is. Wishing the world and the people in it to be something other than the way they inherently are doesn't make them so.  

It just makes you dead wrong.   

Dead as a Croak-fil-A chicken! 

~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mystery of Adnan and Evie

WTF?

It falls to me this evening to set down in writing the strange discovery made by my archeological party and me during our dig last month in a region of the Middle East which lies comfortably within the historically defined area known as the Fertile Crescent.  

I sense that what we have discovered may be without precedent. Indeed I have never seen anything like this, and I --- Professor Lance Lewitsky of the for-profit Community College of Burford Montana --- have been studying archeology for over 35 years, ever since I first learned that there was no gym class required.

It was on the fourth day of our expedition that we made the discovery.  As our dig moved near to an unusually large tree of indeterminate fruit, we unearthed a gigantic fossil in the shape of an enormous human-like hand.  The hand was outstretched with its index finger pointing at something … or someone.

It was the biggest hand any one of us had ever seen, and I used to have season tickets to the Lakers. Furthermore the finger nails were finely manicured, the cuticles were unbitten, and the life line extended all the way from the wrist around the palm onto the back of the hand and back to the wrist. Several hundred times. 

Whoever this hand was attached to, he or she may hardly ever die!

We took several photographs of the hand fossil. Each one of them shows all 15 members of our team fitting comfortably within its palm with ample room remaining for the hand to have reached over and grabbed a generous helping of popcorn, probably buttered.  Subsequent carbon dating of the hand fossil has revealed it to be about 6,000 years old, however, slightly before the advent of buttered popcorn.

But the giant hand was just the beginning. Several days later, we made an even more unique discovery.

Approximately 25 feet away from the spot where the index finger of the huge hand had been pointing, we uncovered the fossils of a nude man and woman. Both of them appeared to be staring at the giant hand, each bearing the same incredulous facial expression as if to be saying “What the fuck is this?”

For convenience sake, I have named the two figures "Adnan and Evie," two arbitrary names I picked out of a hat at random for no particular reason whatsoever.

Although Adnan appears to have suffered a small injury to the abdomen and may have even been missing a rib otherwise both Adnan and Evie appear to be in prime physical condition. Frankly Evie, preserved there as she is in the buff, is nothing less than smokin’ hot! 

From my observations I believe these two may have spent much of their lives cavorting joyfully in a secluded magical garden abounding with lush flora, fauna, and all of the glorious flowing wonders of the heavens and the earth.  It is my hypothesis that this idyllic existence continued until some judgmental being of undetermined origin apparently showed up and ruined everything. I surmise that this malignant entity was so unyielding that it would not even permit them to ingest the juicy appearing fruit from the nearby tree.

But let’s get back to the enormous hand. What could be the relationship between the giant hand and Adnan and Evie? One theory posits that the huge hand might have broughtest them forth unto the earth, fashioningest them from the dust, and/or even createsting them out of nothingness altogether.  Or perhaps it was merely tickling them or giving them the largest ever “got your nose” in human history.

It would be helpful if we could undertake further research on these discoveries, but funding is so difficult to come by.  I am constantly surprised by how many funding sources are controlled by politically and religiously conservative Republicans who are anti-science. I won’t even bother approaching them.

I was glad that we were able to return to the United States both on time and on budget at the end of our expedition. Due to a fortunate occurrence, the Atlantic Ocean parted in two so that our party could swiftly get across.

I’m not sure there is precedent for that either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Go Down, Twitter

And it came to pass that Moses was wandering in the wilderness.

And Moses was without cell phone and laptop, and he came onto the farthest edge of the plain of Horeb, near the Mount of Midian, only a hop, skip, and a jump from Borax.

And there appeared unto Moses a bush that burneth with mighty fire yet wast not consumed, next to which wast a Dell Desktop. And Moses knew that he wast on Holy Ground and in the presence of the Lord because the Desktop employeth Microsoft Software, and yet did still respondeth and wast not locked up!

"Moses, Moses" tweeteth the Desktop. “I am the Lord, thy God!

And God tweeteth unto Moses  “I am the Lord who tweeted unto Abraham and tweeted unto Isaac but who Facebooked unto Jacob, because I was more into FB at the time.”

And Moses tweeteth back “WOOT! My Lord, is this about the bacon?”

“No, Moses,” tweeteth back the Lord. “I knowest not about the bacon, so now thou hast got even another problem with me. LOL!”

“Far be it from me to criticize, Lord” tweeteth Moses, “but shouldn’t I be the one to hand out the LOL, not thou? Thou madest the joke. I'm the audience.”

“IMHO,” tweeteth the Lord, “I am the Lord, thy God; I’ll give myself an LOL if I want!!! And that joke wast funny!"     

“Eeeehh...” tweeteth Moses.

“Moses,” tweetheth the Lord, “tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. That is, the Jews, I mean.”

“ULP! Oh, er, umm …. there’s the Failwhale!” tweeteth Moses. “Afraid I didn’t, umm, get your tweet. Yes, that’s it, didn’t get your tweet!”

“Don’t pulleth that one on me, Moses! I am omniscient. Whenever there’s really a Failwhale, I have already kicketh the desk a half dozen times before it even appeareth!"

“Lord, if I tweet that unto @Pharaoh, the reply will be less in the form of a tweet and more in the form of disembowelment! Just sayin’.”

“Fear not, Moses,” tweeteth the Lord.  “In my very best form, I don’t plan to play fair. I will visit plagues upon Egypt!”

“What doth thou mean?” Moses tweeteth. “Doth thou have a blog or something that giveth details? And perhaps a contest?”

“No, Moses. These are #TheTenPlaguesoftheLord: #Blood #Frogs #Murrain …”

“Thine use of hashtags is cute, Lord, but don't expect me to check out the relevent tweets, I've only got 4,000 years! How didst thou come up with all this?” 

“I googleth plagues,” tweeteth the Lord.

“This last one, #Deathofthefirstborn, should be a load of laughs," tweeteth Moses. "What happens after the Hebrews are freed?”

“RT: And to show His love for His people, @God parteth the Red Sea, gaveth them the Ten Commandments upon two stone tablets, and broughtest them to the Holy Land.”

“What wast that RT, Lord?” tweeteth Moses.

“I didn’t feel like working just then so I retweeted a pretty good overview from @PatRobertson. I farm out a lot to him.”

"Instead of inscribing thine Commandments on stone tablets," tweeteth Moses, "why doth we not just tweet them to the Children of Israel?”

“Because I only hath 74 followers!” tweeteth the Lord. “Look at all the Hebrews who doth not follow me back!”

“Well, thine tweets could use more bounce," tweeteth Moses.

“Now go, Moses, tweet unto @Pharaoh to let my people go. I must complete my #Follow Friday before Shabbot.”

“I see,” tweeteth Moses. “Hmm, who is this @GeorgeClooney, Lord?”

“Uhh, y’know, Moses ... since there’s no graven images of me, I had to .. er, uh .... base my avatar on someone, so … ummm ….”

“LMAO!”  Moses tweeteth unto the Lord, his God. 

 "Think I can take it from here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~