The Natural Attraction (FF)

© Jennifer Pendergast

Mulford had a dream.

He wanted to build a small vacation hotel in the little town of Philaberg nestled quietly along the banks of Lake Kitchiekoo. The townspeople agreed but worried there were no natural attractions in the area to bring tourists.

That Sunday Mulford rowed out to the center of the lake to scout locations. He was thinking maybe a nice rock garden could be an attraction when suddenly there was a mighty swell and swirling water slammed against the side of the boat. It was then that the head of an enormous sea creature surfaced. 

"Damn it, Nessie!"cried Mulford, “Can't you ever cool it? If outsiders find out about you, we'll never get anyone to come here!" 

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Poor Mulford!   He's right, of course.  Who in their right mind would want to go visit a small town just  to see a dinosaur thought extinct for 60 million years cavort joyfully in a lake?  Can you imagine how that would interfere with water skiing?
    
Maybe the townsfolk can convince Nessie to tone it down a bit while they put in a cheese slicing museum. Or maybe we'll find some better ideas for the hapless Philaberg folks by checking out the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking here to see what they've done with the picture prompt above.

By the way, Nessie also juggles and does impressions. Yep, he's box office poison, all right.
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An Authentic Scots Restaurant

Copyright The Reclining Gentleman

(w/ Nessie courtesy of Douglas McIlroy)

“Well, we gave it our all these six long months."

"I know, Amy. You and I combed every square inch of that lake and still no Nessie!"

"Don't berate yourself, Henry. It wasn't a total failure.  At least we did find the lost city of Atlantis."

"So what?  They were nothing but an impediment with their attempts to contact us about their stupid immortality ray!" 

"You're right, they did get in the way.  Want to take one last look at the lake?"

"What's the point? It'll just bum us out.  Let's go eat."

"Where to?"

"How about an authentic Scot's restaurant?   McDonalds!"

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(Nessie appears through the gracious permission of Doug McIlroy.)

My first instinct when I saw this week's Friday Fictioneers' picture prompt was to have one of the two characters sitting on the bench turn to the other and say "Boy, Amy, Renee Zellweger really looks different this time!" 

But ultimately I opted for the more traditional tale of the search for Nessie, especially since I was able to bring it home for an uber-respectable 102 words. BTW, you can bring home some uber-entertaining stories from the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking right here.

Now if you don't mind, I'm taking me a deep breath and checking out that immortality ray. God, I hope I don't run into Nessie ... or Renee Zellweger!

Yes, Virginia, There is a Hubert

Various Sketches by Dr. Humber

There are all kind of conspiracy theorists nowadays, from those espousing alien visitations and the legitimacy of Bigfoot and Nessie to those asserting that Lorne Michaels keeps SNL on the air by eating the brains of NBC executives. No such theorist, however, is more strident and in-your-face than Professor Neil Humber of the University of Havertown PA.  

Professor Humber, who tweets as @flophouseflip, is a brilliant socio-economist and deep thinker whose ground-breaking socio-economic models and theorems have served to prove conclusively that socio-economic models and theorems are boring. After years of  intense study,  Dr. Humber has come to believe that a massive fraud has been perpetrated  on the people of the United States, and in fact, on the peoples of the world. 

"They don't want you to know!" Dr. Humber exclaimed,  his fist pounding upon the table, when we met last week.  "They continue to propagate the ages-old myth that parents provide toys and gifts to children at Christmas time! As if all parents from Baltimore to Botswana could make an objective, unbiased determination as to which of their children are naughty or nice and then implement annual Yuletide gift-giving accordingly and do it all in one night!" 

"Only one highly competent and dedicated entrepreneur could successfully accomplish this task," asserts Dr. Humber, "obviously working with a crack team of professionals he has himself vetted, assembled, and trained to perfection." 

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Mr. Hubert "Santa" Claus!

Professor Humber posits the existence of a rotund, jolly, and white-bearded gentleman who every year on Christmas Eve delivers toys to good little boys and girls, rides in a sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer, and is originally from New Jersey.  The author of 17 books on the subject, including  His Name is Hubert! and Your Parents are Fucking Liars, Professor Humber  is the leading proponent of the so-called Single Gifter Theory. 

I asked Professor Humber how he came to believe so fervently in the existence of a Mr. Hubert Claus and the plot to cover him up. 

"In conjunction with parental malaise and incompetence, modern methods of manufacture and distribution are simply nowhere near effective enough for the Parental Multi-Gifter Model to be feasible," he told me.  "Hell, you can't even get anybody to come to the phone at a Toys R US any more!"

Parents foster the duplicity, Professor Humber contends, in order to have something guilt-invoking to hold over their children. "Clean your room, Jimmy," "do your homework, Sarah," "don't run off and marry that uber-tatooed grifter, Sylvester," go down a lot better with "don't forget, I'm the one who gave you the 12-speed bicycle at Christmas!" than "if you want some marbles, write to Hubert!"

As proof that the U.S. government is complicit in the cover-up, Professor Humber points to the alleged downing in 1947 of a "red-nosed reindeer" at Roswell New Mexico and the mysterious appearance in a Cherry Hill NJ shopping mall in 2006 of a cheerful and avuncular fat guy asking children what they wanted for Christmas who was swiftly escorted away by government agents. 

"What do you envision this Mr. Claus to look like?" I asked Professor Humber.

"His eyes sort of twinkle," he answered thoughtfully.  "Not only that, his dimples are merry, his cheeks are like roses, and his nose like a cherry. He's sort of like an older Zach Galifianakis, but less stoned-out."   

But then why doesn't Mr. Claus simply come forward and take credit for his prodigious efforts?

"I believe that he is a humble man," replied Dr. Humber, "who wishes only to speak not a word, go straight to his work, fill everyone's stockings, and then turn with a jerk. I'm not exactly sure who that jerk is, but I'm thinking Mr. Claus may sometimes hang out with former Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards or Charlie Sheen."

Professor Humber will be speaking tonight at the Unitarian Church in Center City Philadelphia, and a small but enthusiastic crowd is expected to attend.  Most other people will claim to be busily Christmas shopping, but Dr. Humber says that the majority of them will be out drinking with co-workers, engaging in sexual encounters with random strangers, or watching "It's a Wonderful Life" on television.

So what do you think about the existence or non-existence of the elusive Mr. Claus?

Oh, and if you're reading this, Brandon, clean up your goddamn room! 
Remember who got you that X-Box last Christmas.

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