Sunday, September 9, 2012

Beware the LOJM! III


A Jewish Folk Tale 

A long time ago in the City 0f Prague which used to be in Czechoslovakia but is now in the Czech Republic because somebody keeps moving the goal posts,  there was a thriving Jewish community made up primarily of Jews. 

For many years the Jews of Prague lived happily and at peace with their gentile neighbors. Jews and gentiles would deal together in the marketplace,  frolic with one another on the hillsides,  and band together to beat up Gypsies.   They lived so peacefully and harmoniously together that even the Gypsies were pleased.

One day a man who hated the Jews became King of Bohemia, which was where Prague was at the time because somebody keeps moving the goal posts.  The new King of Bohemia hated the Jews because they did not accept Jesus Christ as their Savior,  although there is no evidence that Jesus even applied for acceptance, and certainly did not apply for Early Acceptance.  

Soon young gentile toughs began prowling the Jewish Quarter delivering to women leaflets on the dangers of post-marital sex,  handing out store coupons for Miracle Whip, and asking Jewish men when they'd last called their mothers.  They also spread rumors that the Jews drank the blood of Christian children at Passover, although this one got them nowhere.       

Now the Chief Rabbi at Prague --- a man of such piety that history has honored him with the reverential title Henry Schatzberg --- was known far and wide to be a fairly wise man who had once been second runner-up on Jeopardy.  The terrified Jewish townsfolk ran to his study and begged him for help and guidance,  primarily requesting he send for the first runner-up, whom they presumed was way smarter. 

"I  shall help you, my children," said the Chief Rabbi "although I'm beginning to see why the new King hates you.  I shall make a Golem out of clay to protect us all."

And so the Chief Rabbi went to the banks of the river and formed the figure of a gigantic man out of clay.  When he had completed the gigantic figure he spoke some words from the Holy Scriptures, specifically those which deal with the collection and computation of  value added taxes from the sale of used tallises, and the Golem of Prague sprang to life.

"The purpose for which you were created, Golem, is to protect the Jewish people from harm of any and all kinds.  Now go and fulfill your Destiny!  And, BTW, on your way back can you pick up the dry cleaning at Fleishman's?"

The Golem went forth and wherever Jews were being harmed, or wronged, or forced to shop retail, it used its gigantic size to proper advantage.  Soon the Jewish people began to feel so safe and secure that some actually refrained from converting and denouncing the others. But because the Golem was so gigantic it began receiving offers from professional wrestling promoters and soon Hulk Golem was the terror of the Bohemian mats, and the Jews of Prague were again at risk.

So the Grand Rabbi returned to the riverbank, intent on making a second Golem every bit as gigantic as the first.  But as he reached down and began fashioning another figure from the moist clay, he had a thought: 

"My mistake was making the first Golem gigantic. This time I will make him little, bent-over, and goofy-looking.  He will never leave us,  I won't have to use nearly as much clay as I did before, and when it comes to saving on his private parts, well, maybe I can start a trend among the Jews .... if, ummm, you catch my drift."

And so the Chief Rabbi began slapping together a little, bent-over,  goofy-looking creature, one so artlessly, ineptly,  and sloppily constructed  that it could only have been made by a person of the Jewish faith.  

When he at last looked upon his creation, the Chief Rabbi gasped "Why, you are not a Golem at all!  You are:
(Otherwise known as "The Little Old Jewish Man" and pronounced "the LOW-JIM.")

"LOJM," announced the Chief Rabbi.  "Welcome to This Jewish Life!  BTW, you're going  to love our patented brand of Jewish geography."

The LOJM opened its eyes and regarded its reflection in the river.

"This is what I look like?"  it said. "I better start shopping at Whole Foods!"

"The purpose for which you were created, LOJM, " said the Chief Rabbi "is to protect the Jewish people from harm of any and all kinds."  

"For this you brought me to life?  I could have been Gumby!"

"I repeat, LOJM:  Your destiny is to protect the Jews!"

"Do I look like I could do that? I make comedian Gilbert Gottfried look appealing!  And checking out my jockey shorts here:  gigantic I'm not!"

"But ... but... your destiny, LOJM!!!" gasped the Chief Rabbi.

"My destiny," vowed the LOJM,  "is to avenge myself for my misfortunes by making all other Jewish men appear as little, bent-over, and goofy-looking as I am.  Watch out, Perry Block, here I come!"

And with that,  the LOJM vanished in a puff of smoke. 

In time, the evil King of Bohemia died and was replaced with a benevolent King who loved the Jews so much he married one, dying by his own hand shortly thereafter.  

The Chief Rabbi of Prague later wrote the original history of these strange events,  which serves as the basis for the folk tale you've just read. 

I think he self-published.  There were lots of typos.

And the LOJM?  It remains at large today.

The morale of our story is simple, direct, and cautionary.


Unless, of course,  you're a chick.  Then you've got to worry about:


The End.


Editor's Postscript:   My birthday is just a couple of days away on September 12, 2012.  This year I will be 35 years old,  as I always have been and always will be. 

Because of the LOJM,  however,  I will appear little, bent-over, and goofy-looking.  I will appear to be --- get this --- 62 years old!

Let me repeat once more for all Jewish men of every age, description, and sensibility everywhere throughout this great big sphere upon which we live (all of whom I know personally;  ain't Jewish Geography grand?):      


And, oh yes, I almost forgot... 


Henry Schatzberg 


Lisa Lynch said...

I was shocked to notice Paul Simon turned into a LOJM. Remember the song "Old Friends"? That's him now. Actually, Artie's kind of one, too. Well, maybe a BOJM.

Winonah said...

Beware LOJM ESPECIALLY if you're a chick! He'll go after you AND your sister!

Perry Block said...

Yep, Paul Simon looks kind of like a LOJM. And he could well be my LOJM when he sings "When something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it."

But I'm afraid my LOJM is lots more disgusting than his. And gigantic, it's not ...

Thanks, Lisa!

Perry Block said...

But as history has shown us, he's way too pooped to catch either of them.

How 'bout you slow down to his speed one day, Winonah?

Lisa Lynch said...

We need an acronym for what I'm turning into. A middle-aged, Pinot-guzzling, elastic-wastebanded, pre-menopausal, gray-streaked mother/dishwasher.

Perry Block said...

A JEMPP for Jewish Elastic-wastebanded Middle-aged Pinot-guzzling pre-menopausal.

I believe you said you were Jewish.

There now, you've got your very own mythic creature to stalk you!

Lisa Lynch said...

No, not Jewish. Lapsed Methodist. Just an LMEMPP.

Perry Block said...

Just as well. I like that better!

Got an idea for Star Trek piece. Will DM you.

Marian Allen said...

Perry, 62 IS NOT OLD! I know this because ... I turn 62 three days after you do. DMAH (Dumpy Middle-Aged Hick).

Perry Block said...

Yes, I am old, Marian, but you are not.

It's the three days that make the difference!

Extremely Average said...

I'm quite sure that, having read this post, I now qualify as a scholar of the Jewish faith. I'm off to update my CV, now.

Perry Block said...

Yes, my son. Now come forward and I will perform the official ceremony that initiates you into the Jewish faith.

No, no, where you going? Where you going?!!

I was referring to watching The Daily Show, what were you thinking? said...

Very funny! :) But anyone who thinks women don't leer has never sat around with a group of women during the men's olympic swimming events.
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