Friday, December 30, 2011

Introducing: "Time-It Change!"

What the ....??!!!

 .... and so, as another year rides off into the sunset, we bid Adieu to 2011.

       But before we say goodbye, we pause  for a moment to ponder that same question we asked at this very time last year, and the year before that, and the year before that as well: 

What the hell happened to the whole goddamn year??!!! 

What the heck is happening to Time anyway? It can't be my imagination.  Instead of simply marching on,  Time these days rolls forward like a tank battalion!

Perhaps it's something like Climate Change.  Maybe Time's been knocked askew by some major cosmic event like global warming, a speed up in the planet's revolution around the sun, or Justin Bieber experiencing puberty.

Ladies and Gentleman, introducing "Time-It Change!" 

When I was a kid in a hurry to be older, grownups all used to say "Slow down --- when you reach my age, time will seem to go too fast."  I of course never believed them.  But they couldn't possibly have meant this hyper-speed, Warp Ten, "Beam me up, Scotty," "Barry Allen (The Flash)"  kind of fast!  

Time used to merely fly;  today Time Facebooks!

I'm theorizing that Time began to spring an ever-widening leak around the mid-1980's.  You see, that's when I was the age I'm more or less supposed to still be now.   Were time behaving properly and in regulation fashion,  I would today be no more than 34 years old with hair like a shag carpet and the robust sexuality of the half-breed love child of an Italian stevedore and a Gypsy fortune teller.

 What ever happened to a "solid" hour?  An hour sure isn't what it was back in the days when I was in tenth grade Geometry class.   An hour anymore is barely time to sharpen your pencils.  I propose we drop the outmoded expression "solid" hour and replace it with more appropriate new ones like a "measly" hour,  a "split-hour" decision,  and "be with you in just a quick hour!" 

Under Time-It Change, entire years pass as quickly as a Kim Kardashian marriage. Turn around and another month has gone by. Hiccup and you've missed the summer.  To me it seems that Christmas comes but five times a year, my birthday is a bi-monthly event, and the entire first decade of the 21st Century hardly lasted longer than the run of The Paul Reiser Show.

It's hard to believe that on Friday afternoons people are still bidding each other to "have a nice weekend."  How can we possibly?  There isn't time!  As soon as Friday dinner is over and the dishes are cleared away, on comes 60 Minutes  (which feels like six minutes), bedtime, and Monday morning.  

I've been doing a few simple calculations.  If Time keeps escalating at the present rate,  by the year 2018  it will be possible to grow up, marry, raise 2.6 children, and die during what will seem like the time span of one Ken Burns' documentary, and that's  without PBS pledge breaks.   Of course, if all this continues, by  the year 2018 it will actually be the year 2087 and instead of being 68, I'll be 137 --- and still wondering why I'm not 34! 

I suppose there are some positive aspects to this strange speed-up of Time.  No one will ever have to wait very long for an IRS refund, and Time-It Change will sure come in handy if you're trying to get an appointment with my ophthalmologist, Dr. Krellman, or  stuck watching the upcoming Three Stooges Movie by the Farrelly Brothers.  But why aren't the world's scientists doing something right now to get Time back into proper gear?  I'm aging uncontrollably this very split-hour!

Or do you think Time just seems to move faster because we're older?  Like the grown-ups said it would back we were impatiently awaiting our driver's license, senior prom, or 21st birthday?

There's only one thing to do.   I'm going to find myself a Geometry class to sit in on.  If that can't reverse Time-It Change, well,  I guess nothing ever will.

Happy 2012, Everybody!    

Ooops, it's gone!


Lexi said...

Horribly plausible theory, Perry.

But for a pragmatic solution, read on. Geometry, pah! I once borrowed a neighbour's exercise bike and that slows time right down. I cycled for twenty minutes, yet spookily, according to my watch, only three minutes had passed! If I'd just been able to make myself stay on the darned thing instead of handing it back swiftly as surplus to requirements I'd be out clubbing tonight rather than typing this...

Perry Block said...

Well, Lexi, I'm sorry you were stuck typing this instead of clubbing.

However, had you been out clubbing and enjoying yourself, time would have gone quickly as opposed to when corresponding with me, which slows down time in a manner to put Geometry and exercise to shame.

I understand that becoming rich also slows time considerably so I look forward to your having a very slow, laid-back, and ambling 2012. Enjoy it!