235 Trillion Miles to Earth (So Better Fill Up)

Lena?  Is that you?

Last week the world’s scientific community was ablaze with excitement as it was announced that seven planets which might possibly harbor life had been located in a nearby solar system some 40 light years from Earth.

Okay, so 40 light years from Earth may not sound all that nearby, but in terms of distances in the universe it’s little more than Sunday in the Park with Zontar.  So, I called my friend Stan Stellar, head of the Planetarium at the University of Havertown PA, to find out what's next following this amazing discovery.

"Next we train our most ultra-sensitive telescopes upon the seven planets,” he said.

“How sensitive are the telescopes?”

“The most advanced of them cry whenever they’re shown An Affair to Remember.”

“That is sensitive!  But what are we hoping to find?”

“We are attempting to determine if the essential building blocks of life are present on any or all of planets.”

“What are the essential building blocks of life?" I asked.

"Oxygen, hydrogen, and pornography."

"Gee, I guess it must be really difficult to locate the pornography."

“Oh, no, not at all, especially for those planets which we suspect may be populated with teenage boys. It's the oxygen and hydrogen we have difficulty with."

“So, Stan, if you locate the building blocks of life, does that mean there is life as we know it?”

"No, Perry, we can only make that determination definitively if we detect that somebody there has put out the recycling.”

My curiosity was really engaged now. 

“What kind of beings would exist on such a planet?”  I asked.

“We don't know.  They may be beings similar to us or monstrously grotesque creatures from out of your most horrific nightmares.  Sort of like Lena Dunham, for example, but dressed.”

“One more question, Stan:  Is it possible that there’s a parallel Donald Trump on any of these planets?”

“We can’t rule that out, but we don’t think so.”

“How come you don't think so?”

“We haven't seen any mass migration of terrified aliens from any of the planets with their green 12-fingered hands all over their ears."

“Well, then sign me up!”

"Perry ... it's 235 trillion miles away."

"I'll make us some sandwiches!  You like mustard or mayo?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nearer My God Particle to Me (FF)

 Copyright Marie Gail Stratford

 “Professor Kropotkin!” exulted Physicist Heinz Malatest, “we've finally isolated the most basic building block of the Universe right here in our cyclotron.”

"You mean the God Particle?!” 

"Yes, the final root building block of all life, of all matter, and even of all Governor Christie, should there turn out to be enough of them. Here, take a look through this high strength microscope powered by my Apple IPhone 6."

"Why .... Wow! The God Particle is so colorful! It looks like a cape Liberace would have worn!"

"Exactly! You see, the Universe is not organized according to mathematical principles as once thought, but according to the tastes and styling of Mr. Showmanship himself, Liberace!”

“I guess the Universe could do worse.”

“Indeed so.  Provided you like ermine and gold lame."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have no explanation whatsoever for this one, other than that I was in a silly mood and I've never liked math, so why not organize the Universe under a more flamboyant standard such as that of Mr. Showmanship, the late Lee Liberace?

I'm sure the many other Friday Fictioneers have done better and more credible with the picture prompt above, so I hope you'll quickly click here and be transported to universes far far away and long long ago possessing much much better stories.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to figure out how the God Particle came to have the word "Exxon" written on it, along with all its normal sequins and streamers. 

An Authentic Scots Restaurant

Copyright The Reclining Gentleman

(w/ Nessie courtesy of Douglas McIlroy)

“Well, we gave it our all these six long months."

"I know, Amy. You and I combed every square inch of that lake and still no Nessie!"

"Don't berate yourself, Henry. It wasn't a total failure.  At least we did find the lost city of Atlantis."

"So what?  They were nothing but an impediment with their attempts to contact us about their stupid immortality ray!" 

"You're right, they did get in the way.  Want to take one last look at the lake?"

"What's the point? It'll just bum us out.  Let's go eat."

"Where to?"

"How about an authentic Scot's restaurant?   McDonalds!"

~~~~
(Nessie appears through the gracious permission of Doug McIlroy.)

My first instinct when I saw this week's Friday Fictioneers' picture prompt was to have one of the two characters sitting on the bench turn to the other and say "Boy, Amy, Renee Zellweger really looks different this time!" 

But ultimately I opted for the more traditional tale of the search for Nessie, especially since I was able to bring it home for an uber-respectable 102 words. BTW, you can bring home some uber-entertaining stories from the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking right here.

Now if you don't mind, I'm taking me a deep breath and checking out that immortality ray. God, I hope I don't run into Nessie ... or Renee Zellweger!

Gingerbread Island (FF)

Copyright: Dawn Q. Landau

Dr. Rosa Bonamie could not believe her amazing discovery --- an island in the middle of the Pacific made wholly of gingerbread, with a bit of whipped cream here and there as well!

"What a fascinating people must have once lived here!" she thought. "Did they have books, science, social media? If only I could have spoken with them."

With that she heard a guttural sound and behind a mass of whipped cream she spotted a man made of gingerbread!  He spoke:

"I am Lord Oakrum, last of the Gingerbread Men."

Dr. Bonamie rushed to his side, lifted him in the air, and swallowed him whole.

"Damn!  If only I could have controlled my love of gingerbread, I'd have learned so much instead of wiping out the entire race!"   

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, Dr. Bonamie could have limited herself to eating the buildings and the countryside if she wanted to spare the people of Gingerbread Island, but we can assume the people were probably a bit fresher and tastier than the rest of the place.  And from the picture prompt above it looks like Dr. Rosa was packing a pretty big appetite!

If you've got an appetite for some fresher and tastier flash fiction, click here and the other Friday Fictioneers will more than fill you up.

Hey, why don't we get together for some gingerbread this holiday season? Buildings and countryside only!

Does It Make A Sound?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Scientists recently found out.

First an old broken-down Nissan Maxima was towed directly below a large oak tree about to fall in a dark and desolate part of a forest. The theory was that more potential "noise" would be created if the tree fell on an object as it would in a populated area rather than simply fell on the forest floor. Even an ersatz "road" was constructed beneath the car.

Super sensitive audiolaters and noise-matrons were stationed around the tree as scientists listened hundreds of miles away.  Yesterday, August 13, 2013, the tree finally fell. 

The tree made no noise.

The car screamed:  "WHAT THE F**K!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

There you have it, folks: mystery solved:  You should be scared to death to drive in a Nissan Maxima. No results yet about other cars, but keep watching the Friday Fictioneers for further prompts similar to the one above upon which this 127 word news item is based.

If you want to hear lots more interesting scientific results, strap on your audiolater and check out the other Friday Fictioneers by making a loud audible click right here.

So glad I have a Toyota and ... what's that?  What did you say? Who are .... HOLY CRAP!

So Much the Same

Obama returned for a four year term, Christmas commercials return to television, and I for another week return to the Friday Fictioneers for yet another go at a well prompted histoire.

How's that for a non sequitur?

I'm still a bit off the 100 word guideline this week, filing my little tale at about 153.  I promise if re-elected for another Friday term,  I'll for sure hit the mark.  But as with most political promises, don't hold your breath!  

So Much the Same 

Robert scratched his initials in the frozen glass on the window pane.  Just as he'd done when he was eight. 

So much the same, yet so much had changed.

As a child, his icy initials seemed to signal the promise of wintry excitement, a snowy day, no school, sledding, snowmen, hot chocolate leading to blissful nap. But now at over 40,  his frozen fingertips etched out only resignation, blustery conditions to be braved,  frigidness to be endured, no matter how cold, no matter how deep, for work never stopped. 

So much the same, yet so much had changed. 

Two headlights shone through the frosted window, and Brad was coming in the SUV, coming to pick him up.

"Always fun to work this day," said Brad,  steam rising from his breath as Robert climbed aboard.

"Yeah.  And remember when the Fourth of July used to be hot?"

So much the same, yet so much had changed.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Am Curious (Red)

With the successful landing of the Curiosity Rover on Mars this past Monday, the search is on.

That is, the search is on to find traces in the Martian soil of organic compounds or of liquid or frozen water so minuscule as to be insignificant even next to the musical talent of the "rock" group ABBA, the discovery of which might indicate that aons ago Mars supported some form of very primitive life.

"Only guy on the late shift again!"  NASA scientist Fred Bowers moaned last night as he examined the latest data sent to Earth from the Curiosity Rover. "Here I am scooping, sifting, testing ...  I feel like a judge at the Pillsbury bake-off!" 

"C'mon, Fred,  get it together, there's too much to do!   Say, who are those two guys who just came onto the screen? Funny, the monitor's color must be off kilter, they look sort of green."

"Greetings, People of Earth!  I am Xanthan Gum and this is Karra Geenan."

"Hey, fellas, Fred Barrows. Where'd you come from?"

"We live here on Mars, where our highly technologically advanced civilization has built a utopia which we have dedicated to peace,  love,  justice,  and science."

"Good for you!"

"Care to see our nearby gleaming futuristic city?"

"No, thank you, I'm kinda busy here."

"Whatcha doin'?"

"You probably wouldn't understand."

"Try us."

"Well,  the spacecraft you're standing next to is known as the Curiosity Rover, and its purpose is to look for trace elements of frozen or liquid water or compounds like carbon."

"Sounds like a waste of time."

"No, no.  You see, if we could determine that there once existed ....  umm .... I'm not sure how to explain this, it's kind of technical ...."

"No matter, Fred.  We could help you dig with our solar powered soil-moving machines. We use them to tunnel hundreds of miles underneath Mars to locate the minerals that give us eternal life, as well as giant penises for all the men." 

"Nice of you two,  but I've got everything I need here on Curiosity."

"Fred, we could share the minerals with the people of Earth.  No charge."

"I don't mean to be impolite, fellas, but I've got a desk full of work here."

"We'll leave you to your primitive devices then."

"Say,  just out of curiosity --- no pun intended ---  how do you guys speak English?"

"We monitor your radio and television broadcasts, of course.  Mars loves that King of all Media!  But why does anyone listen to ABBA?"

"Nobody really knows.  Bye now."

"Damned nice guys," thought Fred Barrows, as he turned back to the myriad computations he had to run on the latest excavated square centimeter of Martian soil. 

"Wish I had more time to talk. If Curiosity doesn't get me anywhere today, maybe I'll stick 'em in a footnote in my report."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The God Particle Makes You An Offer

This is it!*

It has been called the "God Particle."     

And its likely discovery earlier this week has the world's top physicists as giddy and exhilarated as a slightly post pubescent teenage girl about to be French kissed by the Biebs, minus the hot and sticky panties.

The particle causing all the hoo-ha is the Higgs boson, thought by physicists to be the basic building block of the universe and one of the few building blocks not manufactured by Mattel or Tonka. Scientists believe that the Higgs boson has been observed by use of an immense particle accelerator in Geneva Switzerland that serves as a sort of bumper car for protons,  propelling gleeful protons head-first into one another and coming to a stop just as the protons are really getting into it.  

The Higgs boson has been nicknamed the "God Particle" because physicists long believed it had a long white beard and demanded animal sacrifice, but bosons have now been determined to be clean shaven.  Who or what may be small enough to have shaved them remains shrouded in mystery, but many physicists believe it was Daniel Radcliffe.

As for the theory about animal sacrifice, the hunt is on for teeny weeny itty bitty sheep!

Here's what has been learned so far about the little particle that could, the Higgs boson : 

What is the world of the Higgs boson like?  What if we could be shrunk down to the size of the smallest particle in the universe?
Not sure about you, but I wouldn't like it.

What is the Higgs boson itself composed of?
Milk chocolate, but after billions of years it's kind of stale.

Is the activity of the Higgs boson stable?
Generally, except on Saturday nights and those Jewish holidays which feature wine. 

Does the Higgs boson vibrate?
Amazing!  Here's one of the greatest discoveries in the history of the universe and still all you can think about is sex!

What color is the Higgs boson?
They come in red, blue, and floral green.   Matching neutrons are available but must be shipped from neighboring atoms at generally prohibitive cost. 

Does the Higgs boson have a sexual orientation? 
Yes. Openly gay.

Are there more grains of sand at the beach or Higgs bosons in your left ass cheek?
It is a tie. 

If the Higgs boson is the smallest object in the universe, what is the largest?
Chris Christie.   Ta-Dum!

What exactly is a boson?  
A boson is a tiny sub-atomic particle that is one letter off from being the word "bosom."

Why do some people giggle when they say or hear the word "boson?"
No idea.

Can the God Particle make you an offer you can't refuse?
Yes.  And if you do not accept, you may wake up with a quark's head in your bed.

Did Alex Trebeck know about the existence of the Higgs boson?
All along.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Yes, I was so excited to hear about the discovery of the God Particle, I lost my lunch! (depicted above)