Friday, March 23, 2018

Wolf Blitzer Crawls Through Nuclear Winter at the End of the World

 Wolf Blitzer climbed through the rubble of the Situation Room at CNN and out into the open air. Dust swirled all around him and the sky was dark and murky.

"This is CNN Breaking News!" he said. "The end of civilization as we know it."

Wolf Blitzer wondered if all his colleagues at CNN were dead. Anderson Cooper dead? True, he deserved punishment for last New Year’s Eve, but this?

Stumbling over the remnants of stores, homes, and Starbucks, Wolf Blitzer heard cries from under a collapsed Starbucks and picked through the rubble to free the poor soul beneath.

“My God, Speaker Ryan!”

“It’s good to be with you, Wolf.”

“Mr. Speaker, it's nuclear Apocalypse!  It’s Armageddon! President Trump has blown everything up!

“That’s concerning."

“Excuse me?”

“Very troubling.”

“Speaker Ryan, we must impeach Trump now!”

“Wolf, now is not the time to rush to any conclusions right after the destruction of the world.”

Wolf Blitzer stumbled forward. Was anyone else alive anywhere?

“Stormy Daniels! How are you?”

“Lousy, Wolf! I was all set to cash in big time, I had an attorney with the disposition of Vin Diesel before his distemper shot, and then this.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Want to have sex, Wolf?  I won’t charge you much.”

“No thanks, Stormy.”

“Do you happen to know if Anderson Cooper survived?”

“He won’t want to have sex either.”

“I thought maybe if he interviewed me again I might hook up for sex with some disgusting base primordial slime.  Believe me, I’m used to that.”

Wolf Blitzer crawled on for what seemed like miles. Then he heard a voice.

“Is anything more fun than a Trump Armageddon?!”

Wolf Blitzer turned and saw President Donald Trump.

“President Trump!  Why did you do it? Why did you blow up the world?”

"That's Fake News."

"Fake News?"

"I didn't blow up the world. Obama blew up the world." 

“That’s a lie!"

"Then it was loser Mueller.  Remind me to fire him for blowing up the world."

"Is there no way to rid ourselves of you? Are you truly unstoppable?" 

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and destroy the Earth and not lose any voters!"

"You already did that."

Wolf Blitzer crawled on through the darkness and decay of the nuclear winter and pondered the end of civilization as we know it.

Maybe, he thought, it was finally time to retire.


 If you liked this post, you'll love my book Perry Block-Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. If you hated this post, I hope you get sued by Stormy Daniels' attorney without ever first getting to have sex with Stormy Daniels. But I still want you to buy my book. 


Anonymous said...

Always new I could count on you for Breaking Fake News, Perry.

Perry Block said...

Wolf and I will be reporting from rubble pile No.37 from now on. (May have to copy this link)