Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Mystery of Adnan and Evie


It falls to me this evening to set down in writing the strange discovery made by my archeological party and me during our dig last month in a region of the Middle East which lies comfortably within the historically defined area known as the Fertile Crescent.  

I sense that what we have discovered may be without precedent. Indeed I have never seen anything like this, and I --- Professor Lance Lewitsky of the for-profit Community College of Burford Montana --- have been studying archeology for over 35 years, ever since I first learned that there was no gym class required.

It was on the fourth day of our expedition that we made the discovery.  As our dig moved near to an unusually large tree of indeterminate fruit, we unearthed a gigantic fossil in the shape of an enormous human-like hand.  The hand was outstretched with its index finger pointing at something … or someone.

It was the biggest hand any one of us had ever seen, and I used to have season tickets to the Lakers. Furthermore the finger nails were finely manicured, the cuticles were unbitten, and the life line extended all the way from the wrist around the palm onto the back of the hand and back to the wrist. Several hundred times. 

Whoever this hand was attached to, he or she may hardly ever die!

We took several photographs of the hand fossil. Each one of them shows all 15 members of our team fitting comfortably within its palm with ample room remaining for the hand to have reached over and grabbed a generous helping of popcorn, probably buttered.  Subsequent carbon dating of the hand fossil has revealed it to be about 6,000 years old, however, slightly before the advent of buttered popcorn.

But the giant hand was just the beginning. Several days later, we made an even more unique discovery.

Approximately 25 feet away from the spot where the index finger of the huge hand had been pointing, we uncovered the fossils of a nude man and woman. Both of them appeared to be staring at the giant hand, each bearing the same incredulous facial expression as if to be saying “What the fuck is this?”

For convenience sake, I have named the two figures "Adnan and Evie," two arbitrary names I picked out of a hat at random for no particular reason whatsoever.

Although Adnan appears to have suffered a small injury to the abdomen and may have even been missing a rib otherwise both Adnan and Evie appear to be in prime physical condition. Frankly Evie, preserved there as she is in the buff, is nothing less than smokin’ hot! 

From my observations I believe these two may have spent much of their lives cavorting joyfully in a secluded magical garden abounding with lush flora, fauna, and all of the glorious flowing wonders of the heavens and the earth.  It is my hypothesis that this idyllic existence continued until some judgmental being of undetermined origin apparently showed up and ruined everything. I surmise that this malignant entity was so unyielding that it would not even permit them to ingest the juicy appearing fruit from the nearby tree.

But let’s get back to the enormous hand. What could be the relationship between the giant hand and Adnan and Evie? One theory posits that the huge hand might have broughtest them forth unto the earth, fashioningest them from the dust, and/or even createsting them out of nothingness altogether.  Or perhaps it was merely tickling them or giving them the largest ever “got your nose” in human history.

It would be helpful if we could undertake further research on these discoveries, but funding is so difficult to come by.  I am constantly surprised by how many funding sources are controlled by politically and religiously conservative Republicans who are anti-science. I won’t even bother approaching them.

I was glad that we were able to return to the United States both on time and on budget at the end of our expedition. Due to a fortunate occurrence, the Atlantic Ocean parted in two so that our party could swiftly get across.

I’m not sure there is precedent for that either.



Lexi said...

Science wasn't this interesting when I did it at school. It's obviously had a makeover since and found a new lease of life. Or been watching Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Perry Block said...

Thank you!

But what about the labels, Lexi?

How am I doing with the labels?

Lexi said...

Your labels are a bit better, but you have to ask yourself, who will be searching for Eugene or WTF?

I do see you have a difficult task, given the random nature of your posts. But I am sure you can Rise To It.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Lexi!

I don't know about Eugene, but I figure half the internet may be perpetually searching for "WTF."

We'll see what manner of humanity clocks in here, if anyone.