WTF?
It falls to me this
evening to set down in writing the strange discovery made by my archeological party
and me during our dig last month in a region of the Middle East which lies comfortably
within the historically defined area known as the Fertile Crescent.
I sense that what we
have discovered may be without precedent. Indeed I have never seen anything
like this, and I --- Professor
Lance Lewitsky of
the for-profit Community College of Burford Montana --- have been studying archeology
for over 35 years, ever since I first learned that there was no gym class required.
It was on the fourth
day of our expedition that we made the discovery. As our dig moved near to an unusually large
tree of indeterminate fruit, we unearthed a gigantic fossil in the
shape of an enormous human-like hand. The hand was outstretched with its
index finger pointing at something … or someone.
It was the biggest hand any one of us had ever seen, and I used to have season tickets to the Lakers.
Furthermore the finger nails were finely manicured, the cuticles were unbitten,
and the life line extended all the way from the wrist around the palm onto the
back of the hand and back to the wrist. Several hundred times.
Whoever
this hand was attached to, he or she may hardly ever die!
We took several photographs of the hand fossil.
Each one of them shows all 15 members of our team fitting comfortably within
its palm with ample room remaining for the hand to have reached over and
grabbed a generous helping of popcorn, probably buttered. Subsequent carbon
dating of the hand fossil has revealed it to be about 6,000 years old, however,
slightly before the advent of buttered popcorn.
But the giant hand was just the beginning. Several
days later, we made an even more unique discovery.
Approximately 25 feet
away from the spot where the index finger of the huge hand had been pointing,
we uncovered the fossils of a nude man and woman. Both of them appeared to be staring at the giant hand, each
bearing the same incredulous facial expression as if to be saying “What the fuck is this?”
For convenience sake, I have named the two
figures "Adnan and Evie," two arbitrary names I picked out of a hat at random for no particular
reason whatsoever.
Although Adnan appears
to have suffered a small injury to the abdomen and may have even been missing a
rib otherwise both Adnan and Evie appear to be in prime physical condition.
Frankly Evie, preserved there as she is in the buff, is nothing less than smokin’
hot!
From my observations I believe these two may have spent much of their lives cavorting joyfully
in a secluded magical garden
abounding with lush flora, fauna, and all of the glorious flowing wonders
of the heavens and the earth. It is my hypothesis that this idyllic existence continued until some judgmental being of undetermined origin apparently showed up and ruined everything. I surmise that this malignant entity was so unyielding that
it would not even permit them to ingest the juicy appearing fruit from the nearby
tree.
But let’s get back to
the enormous hand. What could be the relationship between the giant hand and
Adnan and Evie? One theory posits that the huge hand might have broughtest them forth unto the earth, fashioningest them from the dust, and/or even createsting them out of nothingness altogether.
Or perhaps it was merely tickling them or
giving them the largest ever “got your nose” in human history.
It would be helpful if
we could undertake further research on these discoveries, but funding is so difficult
to come by. I am constantly surprised by
how many funding sources are controlled by politically and religiously
conservative Republicans who are anti-science. I won’t even bother approaching
them.
I was glad that we were
able to return to the United States both on time and on budget at the end of
our expedition. Due to a fortunate occurrence, the Atlantic Ocean parted in two
so that our party could swiftly get across.
I’m not sure there is
precedent for that either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
