A Holiday Greeting From The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer

 

Please allow me to introduce myself:

I am neither a man of wealth or taste.  In fact I am not even a man.

I am a vampire.  In fact I am the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

But don't be afraid of me.  I wouldn't hurt a mosquito unless it were carrying a shit ton of blood after biting Brendon Fraser or you yourself unless you stood directly next to me right after sundown on Yom Kippur.

I asked Perry Block, the proprietor of this blog, if he would allow me to wish everyone happy holidays, and he said of course, so : 

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas, Everybody!

Now if any of you have ever read any of Mr. Block's posts about me (which is unlikely given his rather limited readership, which is more like a readerskiff) you'll notice my looks have changed.

I used to look like a warmed-over version of Bela Lugosi because that was the  best we had, as vampires can never be photographed. But based on Mr. Block's description of me as fed into Chat GPT this image was created.

Fellow vampires tell me it looks like I haven't aged a day. Of course as a vampire I haven't aged a day.

I am a member of Rabbi Debbie King's new branch of Judaism known as Hello Yahweh. That makes me The Legendary Agnostic Hello Yahweh Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer. Yes, I know that's a mouthful.

So you can just call me Vlad.

I love Hanukkah as we celebrate it back in Transylvania, except we do it a bit differently. We light the candles from left to right instead of right to left and instead of drinking wine we drink blood from the Vein-yards of Ernest and Julio Gallows.

I've known Perry Block over ten years now. I think he likes to hang with me because I make him feel young, him being 75 years old and me being 675. 

He's a decent sort but way too self-deprecating. The guy needs a Guts Transfusion if ever there was one. I think his Guts Type is B Positive.  That's kinda funny because the words "Be Positive" sure as hell don't describe his attitude ever! 

I once asked him if had any role models, and he said "yes, anyone who isn't me."

Oh, BTW: If you ever see me with any schmutz on my face, please let me know. You realize I can't see it and will want to wipe it off pronto!

Hoping you have some nice plans ahead, I  wish you

 A Very Happy New Year and One that Doesn't Suck 

except if you want to wish that back to me you'll have to drop the last five words.

YOLO.  Except for me it is more like YOLF, for fifty lives or more.

Yours,

Vlad the Retailer

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If you haven't met me before, you might want to check out The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer, Battles the Evil Count Stephen of Miller

And I'm not going to make any snide remarks about "if you hated this post," you can (do something shitty or have something lousy happen to you)  like Perry always does. Not my speed.  

As I said, a decent guy, but boy does he need counseling!