Rabbi Debbie King Explains Her Whole New Branch of Judaism, "Hello, Yahweh," and Why It May Be For You

 

Rabbi Debbie King is perhaps the last person you'd expect to devise a whole new branch of Judaism. 

She's the first rabbi ever to provide multiple choice answers to the Four Questions, which she thereupon grades on the curve with even two correct answers deemed sufficient to pass. 

Nevertheless her new branch of Judaism, "Hello, Yahweh" has elicited a large amount of interest among liberal American Jews but not so much among the AIPAC crowd, which is otherwise too busy subverting the basic tenets of Judaism to pay it much mind.

I had the privilege of recently interviewing Rabbi King in a desperate attempt to class up the "Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" blog which for over 15 years has  provided mostly schlock humor to an audience of practically no one.

"It is my firm belief that God doesn't want us to always be kissing his ass," said Rabbi Debbie. "Actually what he wants is for us to give it a good swift kick." 

"So we don't get into praising God unless we feel he truly deserves it," she said.  "And his recent performance considering the re-emergence of Trump, the general state of world affairs, and those Liberty Mutual commercials with the emu is hardly praiseworthy."

"Quite frankly, we treat the Supreme Ruler of the Universe like Jerry Seinfeld treated Newman until he further earns our respect."

I asked Rabbi Debbie to briefly describe how "Hello Yahweh" services are conducted.

"We begin each service with a special greeting for the divinity,"  explained the Rabbi. "The Congregation in unison chants: 

"Hello, Yahweh," 

just like Jerry Seinfeld says to Newman. And  God responds: 

"Hello, Jewry!" 

"He doesn't actually say this," quickly added the Rabbi, "or we'd all get a shrek! It's just in the liturgy. The point is we're holding Hashem accountable; when he acts like a schlub, we treat him like Newman. If he does better, more like George and so forth."

"I notice you use the pronoun he," I asked Rabbi Debbie. "Does God have a gender?"

"Of course not," she replied. "We just use he as a convenience. God  is as gender fluid as comedian Eddie Izzard, but without the garish fingernail polish." 

And what if there is no God?

"Obviously a distinct possibility," she answered, "as the universe has been here for over 15 billion years and Judaism for only about 4,000.  But maybe, just maybe, he likes to sleep late."

"But so what? We've brought Jews and other friends and allies together to discuss the state of the country and the world - and our own lives - and how we all can strive to do better with whatever we do. Even if there's nobody steering the ship but us."

Can't argue with that.

And then Rabbi Debbie recited the call to prayer, which is at the center of "Hello, Yahweh," the newest branch of Judaism. 

"Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One Tough Son of a Bitch!" 

Can't argue with that either.

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