Controlling the Media Just Isn't That Much Fun Anymore

 

Yep, keeping these guys

 in line was no picnic

One of the most common misconceptions about the Jewish people is that we control the banks and the media.

Totally ridiculous, of course.

I’ve only been assigned the media. I don’t know anything about banking, except that I could never get my checkbook to balance.

Years ago controlling the media was easy. You just:

• Pick the guest stars for the next two or three episodes of The Love Boat (making sure Ted McGinley is always aboard).

• Record the various openings for 60 Minutes over the years:

  “I’m Harry Reasoner, I’m Morley Safer, I’m Mike Wallace. I’m Lesley Stahl, … and so on and so forth (whew!) … those stories and Andy Rooney, tonight on 60 Minutes.”

• And keep Ed McMahon sober.

Those were the days. Only three networks. Most of the programming was so insipid I often set the media on cruise control and watched reruns of The Twilight Zone.

But now? Multiple cable channels, endless streaming, Tubi, Pluto, On Demand — it’s like being an air traffic controller.

I’ve got to manage Fox News and MSNOW and keep them from getting into fistfights. I like Emma Stone, sure, but I’m seeing more of her naked body than I ever dreamed of. And “You say HBO Max, I say Max. You say HBO Max, I say Max. HBO Max, Max … HBO Max, Max …”

Let’s just call the whole goddamn thing off!

No doubt about it, this job is getting tougher and tougher for a Jewish Baby Boomer born in the 1950s, when the height of television comedy was Milton Berle in a dress. Easy to manage that:

“Hey, Uncle Miltie, you look beautiful, but try not to make it look like you do this on weekends too!”

But these days? I don’t even understand some of the stuff I’m supposed to control.

I really got into it with Tim Robinson last summer.

“Look, Tim,” I said, “I don’t dig cringe comedy, and the name The Chair? Call it anything but that!”

He didn’t listen. Oy!

I’m thinking of cutting back and letting a younger Jew handle the day-to-day cable and streaming stuff.  Maybe I’ll just control the vintage programming on MeTV.

Can’t wait to hang with Rod Serling again.

Who knows — maybe I’ll find a spot for Ted McGinley too.

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If you hated this post, I hope your remote control gets stuck on Fox News and you need me to switch it off!