Happy Trails ...

No, this post is not a tribute to the late cowboy star Roy Rogers, even though I did have a Roy Rogers and Dale Evans lunchbox back in the fifties.  I certainly wouldn't be using such a lunchbox today, however,  considering that Roy Rogers had the audacity and poor taste to have his  faithful horse Trigger stuffed and mounted and displayed in a museum.

At least Roy was considerate enough to wait until Trigger had passed on to Horse Heaven to undertake the mounting and stuffing.

No, this note is rather to acknowledge that I'll be on hiatus from Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute for a little while. It's not that the muse has left me, but she has asked to be traded. (Bada-Bing!)  When  I line up my new muse, I'm going to be shooting for Sharon Stone.  Here's hoping I don't wind up with Sly Stone. 

There's lots of people I'd like to thank for their support with the blog, but I'll save that for another time. There is one person specifically who gets a gold star. That's my friend Russell Gayer - a terrific humor writer in his own right - who has been consistently supportive of my writing and has commented on almost every post. Occasionally even positively. 

Thank you, sir!

I'll be back. In the meantime, if you want to write to me for any reason you can always reach me through Facebook or at perry.block1@gmail.com. And I'll still be posting on Facebook and Twitter.

See ya, dudes.

​  

And as Roy Rogers would say, Happy Trails ...​.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Stayin' with the Schmatas (FF)

  © Lucy Fridkin

FF - Friday Fictioneers

Last weekend I booked myself a couple of days at Hotel Eloi in Weena Bay.  

It's quite inexpensive because across the Bay from the hotel lives a race of creatures known as the Schmatas. With their gruesome faces and sharp claws, the Schmatas scare away many potential hotel guests.

I was sitting on the beach when the Schmatas began swimming across the bay towards the hotel. A mad panic ensued and soon the beach was emptied. Except for me.

A huge Schmata emerged from the water and approached me.

"Be a dearie and rub some suntan lotion on my back, will you?"  I asked. "And get me a Coke.”

Although they are gruesome looking indeed, the Schmatas provide excellent guest services for the hotel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been missing in action lately so I thought I might wade back into the water with the post above.  Hopefully the water's not too full of Schmatas because they can be a bit raggy sometimes, not that I even know what that means.

There's nothing raggy, however, about the other Friday Fictioneers, and their takes on the picture prompt above may be found by clicking here.  One story of particular note is by the inimitable Russell Gayer and I'd recommend you read it forthwith! 

Or at least fifthwith. Happy Holidays, everybody!

Down Old Route 66 (FF)

© Jean L. Hays

FF-Friday Fictioneers

“How can I help you folks?” said kindly old Russell Gayer as he approached the young couple just stopping at his service station.

“Excuse me, sir” said the young man, “but is this really Route 66? That’s not what my map or GPS says.”

“Oh, yes, sir, it is Route 66!  Say, would you folks like some APCO gas?  I’ve also got APCO Oil, APCO Spark Plugs, APCO …”

“Oh, no, thank you, we just needed directions.”

The young couple continued down the road. When they were out of sight kindly old Russell Gayer planted his hands on his hips and laughed.

“Two more souls for my master Lord APCO, son of Satan! Been much easier to trap them since I removed the third 6 from the sign.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry to introduce such a terrifying character in this story and I didn't mean to cause you nightmares, but that kindly old Russell Gayer is awfully scary when he's badgering you about buying APCO products.  I don't know about you, but  I came away with an APCO raincoat and APCO chocolate candy with raisins.

Well, let's all calm down by reading the tales based on the picture prompt above by the other Friday Fictioneers by clicking here.

Oh, no, here comes kindly old Russell Gayer again! Okay, okay, I'll take the APCO underwear!

The Colossus at Arkansas Roads - FF

FF- Friday Fictioneers

copyright - Jan Wayne Fields

"Hey, Jason, I had no idea there was a small ocean you have to cross to get to Arkansas."

"That’s right, Matthew.  Say, we’re getting close now."

"What’s that big statue ahead in the harbor?  It looks like the Statue of Liberty!"

"Looks like it, but it’s actually the Statue of Russell Gayer, one of the leading citizens of the area."

"What’s that great big projection above his head.  Is that his arm?"

"No, it’s not his arm.  He actually designed the statue himself. You’re only seeing the part of the huge projection that extends above the head."

"Wow!  What a guy! Could that actually be the way he really is?"

"You know Donald Trump?"

"Sure."

"They call him Honest Abe compared to Russell." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all know Donald Trump is no Honest Abe but rather is a pathological liar.  So the truth about the Statue of Russell Gayer? Put it this way: millions upon millions upon millions of dollars of steel could have been saved in its construction.  

The other Friday Fictioneers have inscribed their takes upon the picture prompt above which you can access by clicking here. 

BTW, there's actually no ocean to cross to get to Arkansas, so I'm not being truthful either. Who knows, women of America, I may be lying about Russell as well! 

The Bearded Lady is Next (FF)

FF-Friday Fictioneers

Copyright - John Nixon

Times had been rough for the Spangling Brothers- Farnum & O’Reilly Circus. 

With the loss of its elephant act and the ability of folks in even the farthest reaches to view spectacles of all sorts via TV and internet, the need to cut costs became paramount.

“Oh, Scruffles,” called out Russell Gayer, wily manager of the circus, to his number 1 clown, “I have lost a contact lens in the piano. Would you go get it please?"

As Scruffles climbed into the piano, Gayer laid off his first employee.

“One down,” he cackled.  “The Bearded Lady is next.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a bastard!  What kind of person chooses to lay out .... I mean lay off an employee like this?  Then again it ain't too shabby to save on severance, unemployment, and extended benefits when you're laying off an employee and you've got to keep costs low.

So we'll give Russell the benefit of the doubt.  If you click here, you can give Russell and all the other Friday Fictioneers the benefit of the doubt too with respect to their takes on the picture prompt above.

Just keep away from the piano.

Rustic Restaurant by the River (FF)

Copyright:Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

                                                                                                               FF-Friday Fictioneers

  

"You have another date!" I shouted aloud to Russell Gayer some years ago when we lived together."

"Yes, and this one's a model.  I'm taking her to that new rustic restaurant by the river. I'm expecting a special night!"

"How do you do it?!" I exclaimed.  "A new great-looking woman every night!"

"Some of us got it," he replied with his typical modesty.

"Well, I'll be here with my stamp collection.  Later I'll drink a warm glass of milk and watch Mr. Johnny Carson." 

Of course, role reversal can be fun.

Like how I completely switched roles of Russell and me in the story above!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, this time around I made only a tenuous connection to the picture prompt above to pull a switch and give Russell my personality and make me out to be like him. In reality my special night with the super model turned out to be super, while Russell was pleased to find a Rutherford B. Hayes stamp in his collection which he carried around for months.

The other Friday Fictioneers have hopefully been more true to the picture prompt and you can find their takes on it by clicking right here.

Yes,  poor Russell. I wonder if it's too late to give him some pointers?

Car of the Year (FF)

FF- Flash Fiction

Copyright - Sandra Crook

Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Ford Fantastica for 2037! 

Yes, we are pleased to present the most advanced American automobile ever built! Includes automatic parking, automatic driving, built in automated cursing voice including over 100 choice expletives, and --- new this year --- robot entertainers who fit right into your steering wheel!

Yes, they sing, they dance, they tell jokes.  Let's listen:

I'm Spinner, I just got in driving from the east coast and boy are my wheels tired!  You know, marriage is very difficult.  Take my wife ... please!  

  

Unfortunately, folks, American cars are still are no match for foreign when it comes to funny material.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think the problem for the Ford Fantastica could be fixed by hiring the Friday Fictioneers to write better material for Spinner.  One can imagine how Ford's profits would soar if Spinner began doing material by Russell Gayer!

Oh, no,  I mean sour.  Profits would sour.   My mistake.

Click right here to read the other takes on the picture prompt above and try putting some of their words in Spinner's mouth and see what happens. You may just wind up with Car of the Year for 2037!

The Maze Maker (FF)

 copyright Melanie Greenwood

"Did you create this maze?  It's incredible!"

"Thank you very much.  Carving out mazes is a hobby of mine."

"Well, you sure are good at it.  I've been in here almost 15 minutes and I'm just now finding my way out!"

"15 minutes?  Hey, that's not bad at all!"

"Ha! I was beginning to think I should have ... ha, ha ...brought dinner and a flashlight."

"Yeah, I've frequently thought that too."

"Frequently thought that too? How long have you been in here?"

"Two years and four months, ever since I carved it. Thank God you found me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankly I'm not particularly good at mazes either.  The last time I went through a maze by the time I came through the other end Morlocks and Eloi were running the operation.

You won't need a time machine, however,  to check out the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers relative to the picture prompt overhead, but you will have to contend with the weekly mazelike grid of Fictioneers that Russell calls the Hollywood Squares Authors Block.

To read them all won't quite take you two years and four months.  Bring dinner and a flashlight though.

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

We've got a winner!

Carrie Bailey is perhaps the most inspiring person I've never met.

That is, never met in person. 

I know Carrie Bailey through the Internet, Facebook, and Twitter. In her 30 plus years of life she has lived on multiple continents, raised a son to adulthood, authored short stories and poems, become a painter, and earned a graduate degree in New Zealand. During that same period of time, what I have done is put down the clicker, stand up, and go from the den to the kitchen for snacks.

Carrie has been kind enough to tag me for the highly coveted Very Inspiring Blogger Award, and I must say that I am truly delighted to walk off with an award this year that even Michael Keaton didn't get. Thank you, Carrie.

As part of the gestalt of winning this award, it is now incumbent upon me to share seven facts about myself.  Some of what follows may not be suitable for children or for that matter, suitable for anyone.

1) I was born and raised a Buddhist and went to Buddhist School until I was 13 to prepare for the Coming-of-Age Buddhist Ritual, in which you get a lot of presents. To this day, older Buddhist women are constantly coming up to me and saying "Have I got a nice Buddhist girl for you!"

2) I regularly fill in for Bruce Wayne as Batman on weekends and holidays, but mainly I just hand out parking tickets and pose for pictures with Cameron Diaz. 

3) I did successfully get though law school many years ago (there were far fewer laws back then) but my legal career began its rapid downhill slide when I identified "jurisprudence" on the Bar Exam as "some chick who came over on the Mayflower."

4) I am deathly afraid of spiders.  Many people say I should appreciate spiders because they eat other bugs. Well, I'm rooting for the other bugs!

5) I have always wanted to be referred to as "The Lovely and Talented Perry Block."

6)  I am terrified of sharp knives. I have spent the better part of the last twenty years attempting to develop food with zippers.

7) I have scoliosis (curvature of the spine). But on the bright side I charge Zorro a ton of money to use my back for practicing the "Sign of the Z." 

Bonus Fact: I'm not particularly good at parallel parking.  I have been known to be unable to pull into spaces Godzilla has just vacated.

As I begin the glorious year ahead as A Very Inspiring Blogger, I will keep in mind that if I cannot complete my duties for any reason whatsoever --- and not just the ones that involve people pointing at me and giggling --- the first runner up will take over the responsibilities of my crown. Therefore I am designating the entire list of folks below as first runner-ups.

They are also not coincidentally those folks I am personally tagging as Very Inspiring Bloggers.  They need feel no obligation to designate other people as inspiring bloggers if they prefer not to, because I have that power!

Russell Gayer - Very funny & that's why I hate him
Janet Webb -  Sensitive & poetic 
Alicia Jamtass - Unique takes on life
Amy Reese - Quirky & original

I might have named many more, especially among the flash fiction group known as the Friday Fictioneers, but I must begin my reign. I plan to do some major league inspiring later today.

But first, I'm gonna get me a nap.

This is where Carrie Bailey comes from.  
I'll be posting a picture of where I come from with the
 above ground pool and clothesline soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But What Else? That's It!

-Copyright-Melanie Greenwood

"But why does it have to be over, Jane?   Why?"

"For one thing, Jack, I don't like a bald man. Plus you have terrible breath,  you're too short for me, and speaking of short ..."

"Okay. But what else?"

"You regularly blow your nose in the dinner napkin, you announce your farts, and you're drunk most of the time on Ripple."

"Okay. But what else?"

"You're not very smart, you think Ebola and ISIS is a comedy team,  your posture is scarcely better than Quasimodo's, and you're not even Jewish!"

"But what else?"

"That's it."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, that's ... that's ... it.  

"That's it???"

"That's ... it. That's ....  Huh!  Know what, Jack?"

"What, Jane?"

"I love you!  Be mine!"

("The old 'But what else? That's it,' folks. Works every time!")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's it for this week's Friday Fictioneers story based on the picture prompt above. Tuck away this little technique should you ever need it if you are the kind of person who announces his farts and blows his nose in the table napkin.

Clearly none of the other Friday Fictioneers will ever need this technique, not even Russell, who probably comes the closest.  Check out their various and sundry story techniques by clicking here.

Well, Jane just called;  wonder what it could be?  Another glass of Ripple and I'm off!

For Whom The Bell Tolls

In every age throughout recorded history, the ringing of a bell has been synonymous with the beginnings of something new and exciting but untested. Perhaps the most dramatic instance of such was the ringing of the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia PA on July 4, 1776 to herald the birth of a new nation.

No one knew what the future held for the fledgling enterprise. Whether it would survive and meet with success or die a quick and ignominious death was unknown and unfathomable.   Only time and the judgment of history would tell.

On February 17, 2014, the Comcast Bell, also in Philadelphia PA, rang to herald the birth of The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.

Only time and the judgment of history will tell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jimmy Fallon?   Amiable, good-looking, and young.   Funny?   I'm not so sure, but time and the judgment of all of us will tell.   

One thing is for sure though:  The Friday Fictioneers are amiable, good-looking, and young (well, some of them anyway) and are ready to ring your chimes if you click here. Some of them are even funny, like Russell  --- and maybe from time to time, even a little bit me. 

For whom the bell tolls?  Me.  I'm outta here!