I've frequently been accused of being sort of a negative person, and that is totally ridiculous, stupid, and as completely wrong as a thought can be and anyone who thinks it is an idiot not worth associating with.
Okay, it's true.
But there are some things that I do enjoy, things that I refer to as Life's Little Pleasures, each of which makes life worth living, if it can be said to be worth living at all. For me, these Life's Little Pleasures include:
- Discovering it’s safe to say "fuck" around a new friend.
- Watching the really awful bad guy I've hated all through the movie suffer a truly gruesome, painful, horrible, dismembering, blood-splattering death while screaming "No, NO! AHHHHHHH!!!," even if the movie otherwise sucked.
- Achieving total mastery of an appliance or machinery without ever having to resort to the instruction book. Generally for me it's something simple, like a top.
- Popping the large round bubbles in one of those sheets of plastic wrapping stuff until they're all popped. Never gets old!
- A stimulating intellectual conversation into which I've been able to insert the word "throbbing" at least twice.
- Coming across a reference somewhere that indicates someone else has gone longer than I have without sex, such as "the slain Union soldiers buried here at Gettysburg have not had sex in over 150 years."
- Sitting by the shore watching the waves roll in and out on a beautiful summer's day and then going into the water and pissing my kidneys out.
- Successfully opening one of those goddamn clear plastic produce bags on the very first try!
- Being smiled at by an attractive woman as I walk down the street even if it's only because there's toilet paper stuck to my shoe.
- Getting up extremely early for a special purpose, like going on vacation or a special trip, and thinking how good it feels to be utilizing and experiencing these precious morning hours when normally I wouldn't even be close to getting up, and then going the fuck back to bed.
- Waving someone into the lane ahead of me, seeing the other person smile broadly, look very appreciative, and wave back. Then ramming her!
- Running into someone I haven't seen in a long time and falsely gushing about how good he looks and when he doesn't return the compliment after numerous tries to lead him straight into it watching a bird take a big dump right on his head.
- A hug from a dear friend, especially if she has big boobs.
- Any time I get to use the word "mercurial."
- Meeting someone new and finding out that we both know someone in common and after further conversation finding out that we both think the person we know in common is an asshole!
- Walking in a deep soft snow late at night when no one else is around and running into a friend doing the same as you. Then beating him up and taking his wallet.
- Finding a pair of jeans that fits really well which is almost impossible for me because I have “no ass” syndrome. (If I were to ever fall really hard on my ass, I would probably die.)
- Watching two or three small bunnies cavorting on my lawn.
- Me cavorting on my lawn.
- Getting lost in a good book, especially if there are pop-up pictures.
- A day without spilling, were I ever to have one.
- Hearing someone who is sort of a jerk use a word like “irregardless,” and when I very nicely correct him he expresses the expected obnoxious and condescending opinion that he or she knows he is right and I am obviously wrong and savoring the glorious thought of the person looking it up later and saying aloud “oh, shit!"
- Being able to promptly determine if something is good for the Jews.
Maybe some day these and other Life's Little Pleasures will turn me from someone who's a bit negative into a true happy camper!
I hate camping though.