I've frequently been accused of being sort of a negative person, but that is totally ridiculous, stupid, and as completely wrong as a thought can be and anyone who thinks it is an idiot not worth associating with.
Okay, it's true.
But there are some things that I do enjoy, things that I refer to as Life's Little Pleasures, each of which makes life a little bit more worth living. For me, these Life's Little Pleasures include:
- Discovering it’s safe to say "fuck" around a new friend.
- Watching the really awful bad guy I've hated all through the movie suffer a truly gruesome, painful, horrible, dismembering, blood-splattering death while screaming "No, NO! AHHHHHHH!!!," even if the movie otherwise sucked.
- Popping all the large round bubbles in one of those sheets of plastic wrapping stuff that just came to me in a package and then finding an extra sheet of that stuff in the packaging I hadn't noticed before all ready to pop!
- A stimulating intellectual conversation into which I've been able to insert the word "throbbing" at least twice.
- Coming across a reference somewhere that indicates someone else has gone longer than I have without sex, such as "the slain Union soldiers buried here at Gettysburg have not had sex in over 150 years."
- Sitting by the shore watching the waves roll in and out on a beautiful summer's day and then going into the water and pissing my kidneys out.
- Successfully opening one of those goddamn clear plastic produce bags on the very first try!
- Being smiled at by an attractive woman as I walk down the street even if it's only because there's toilet paper stuck to my shoe.
- Getting up extremely early for a special purpose, like going on vacation or a special trip, and thinking how good it feels to be utilizing and experiencing these precious morning hours when normally I wouldn't even be close to getting up, and then going the fuck back to bed.
- Waving someone into the lane ahead of me, seeing the other person smile broadly, look very appreciative, and wave back. Then ramming her!
- Running into someone I haven't seen in a long time and falsely gushing about how good he looks and when he doesn't return the compliment after numerous tries to lead him straight into it watching a bird take a big dump right on his head.
- A hug from a dear friend, especially if she has big boobs.
- Any time I get to use the word "mercurial."
- Meeting someone new and finding out that we both know someone in common and after further conversation finding out that we both think the person we know in common is an asshole!
- Walking in a deep soft snow late at night when no one else is around and running into someone else doing the same as you. Then beating him up and taking his wallet.
- Finding a pair of jeans that fits really well in the rear because I have such a tiny butt if I were to fall really hard on my ass I would probably die.
- Watching two or three small bunnies cavorting on my lawn.
- Me cavorting on my lawn with two or three small bunnies.
- Getting lost in a good book, especially if each and every way out goes past a sex scene.
- A day without spilling, were I ever to have one.
- Hearing someone who is sort of a jerk use a word like “irregardless,” and when I very nicely correct him he expresses the expected obnoxious and condescending opinion that he or she knows he is right and I am obviously wrong and savoring the glorious thought of the person looking it up later and saying aloud “oh, shit!"
- Being able to determine promptly and definitively if something is good for the Jews.
Maybe some day these and other Life's Little Pleasures will turn me from someone who's a bit negative into a true happy camper!
I hate camping though.
This is a really long list, Perry. So, I guess you're easier to please than most of us thought. I was expecting two, maybe three items. Something like opening a can or Pork & Beans without cutting yourself on the lid, or being able to share that last square of toliet paper with a friend who developed diarrhea after eating your cooking. You know, those sort of things.
I'd love to share toilet paper with you, Russell. I left that one out.
Otherwise this list just about covers it.
I appreciate that, Perry. Only a true friend would share their last square of toilet paper. Down here, we still use corn cobs. I'll save you a clean one.
But I mean for us to use it separately! You can spare me your corn cob.
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