Another 24 Reasons Why 60 is Not the New 40

 

Here's another in our continuing series illustrating why the aphorism above, while comforting, is a load of crap.  We've been at this so long I actually was 60 when it began! 

Herewith we present 24 more reasons why 60 is NOT the New 40:

    1) When Somebody who is 40 hears the song “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena” they think it’s the Beach Boys.

   2)  Somebody who is 60 experienced a time when people hearing “we'll have a gay old time” in The Flintstones’ theme didn’t think it meant Fred and Barney were married.

   3)  Somebody who is 40 doesn’t know that Bill Cosby won the Emmy for Best Actor in 1966. Somebody who is 60 not only may know that Bill Cosby won the Emmy for Best Actor in 1966 but may also think how prescient awarding the Emmy for Best Actor to Bill Cosby turned out to be.

   4) Somebody who is 60 remembers a time when there was only one Jewish character on network television – Buddy Sorrel as played by Morey Amsterdam on The Dick Van Dyke Show – and they were sort of proud of it. Somebody who is 40 barely remembers a time before Seinfeld.

   5) Somebody who is 40 probably thinks a click dial is an annoying little bug that bites you at night.

   6)  Somebody who is 60 remembers when a fixer was the guy who came to your house to repair your RCA Victor television set, said "I gotta take it into the shop," and you didn’t see it again for two weeks.

   7) "Why? Because We Like You" - Somebody who is 40 probably thinks this is the name of a self-help book that was popular in the 70’s.

   8) Somebody who is 40 grew up in a world that was literally a “boobnanza!” Somebody who is 60 had to sneak a peek at a National Geographic if they wanted to see tits.

   9) Somebody who is 60 grew up without ever talking about the importance of being “hydrated.”

  10) Somebody who is 60 used to go in the school hallway and fold themselves against the wall into a ball during air raid drills. If somebody who is 40 had done this, they would have been about to throw up.

  11) Somebody who is 40 does not know that she had an owner named Jeff before Timmy. Somebody who is 40 may not even know that I’m talking about Lassie.

  12) Somebody who is 40 probably thinks Winky Dink was another cutesy name for you-know-what.

  13)  “And now the dear boy himself - MERVIN!” Somebody who is 40 couldn’t tell you what that quote refers to, who used to say it, or for that matter, who the hell Mervin was!

  14) Somebody who is 60 remembers the indignation they felt when Star Trek was cancelled. Even the most dedicated Trekkie who is 40 never experienced that feeling and never can or will.

15) Somebody who is 60 grew up without ever hearing the word “meme.”

16)  Somebody who is 60 remembers  cigarette commercials like Winston Tastes Good like a Cigarette Should, LSMFT- Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco, and  You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby as if they last saw them yesterday.  Somebody who is 40 never heard a one of them since Somebody who is 40 was born after cigarette commercials were banned.

17)   Somebody who is 40 grew up without ever hearing the names Dwight, Adlai, or Dag.

    18) If you want shoes with lots of pep, get  Keds .… Keds!

Fill in the missing word:

 Communists     0

 Kids                 0

 Jews                0

 Empiricists       0

Somebody who is 60 doesn’t need the multiple choice. Somebody who is 40 will probably get the answer too but has NO FUCKING CLUE what it means!  

19)  During the years they were growing up, somebody who is 40 had heavily impressed upon them the critical importance of flossing your teeth, not just brushing. You still don't floss.

20)Somebody who is 60 didn't blink an eye at the lyrics to the theme to Green Acres "You are my wife!" "Goodbye City Life!" as Eddie Albert yanked Eva Gabor to the country life totally against her will.

21) When someone mentions the word "turkey" and it isn't Thanksgiving, Somebody who is 40 does not think turkey neck! and begin hitting their neck frantically with the back of their hand.   

22) When Somebody who is 60 was growing up "Super Bowl" might as well have been the name of a new toilet bowel cleaner.

23) Somebody who is 40 thinks J. Fred Muggs was Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission in 1957.

            

     24)  Somebody who is 40 perhaps got a chuckle or two from this list. Somebody who is 60 is laughing through their tears. 

  

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     If you enjoyed this list, there's lots more of these in my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and you should buy it.

    If you hated this list, you should still buy it. Why?  

  Because to me, you don't look a day over 40!

You Can Skip Ad in Five Seconds, But Why Would You?

Here's why, by percentage:

                                                                                       

7.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it makes them feel gutsy even though they still sleep with a night light.

5.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because there is no Premium Option  to skip ad in four seconds.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because to the best of their ability to  determine in five seconds of watching there are not going to be any tits in the ad. 

13% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is narrated by Susan Sarandon who refused to support Clinton. Happy Now, BITCH? 

2.5% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have to pee. 

2.7% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is an ad for Applebee's and you do not believe anyone has ever said "Y'know, there's an Applebee's a couple of blocks from my new house; I'm gonna be Eating Good in the Neighborhood!" 

0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering in the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and the ad isn't very interesting anyway.

2% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is an ad for Scientology and Scientology just ain't any fun anymore without Leah Remini. 

7.4% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they do not want to become any more sexually transfixed by Mike Rowe than they already are. 

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they also skip to my Lou.

8% - People who skip ad in five seconds because it is almost time for shul.

16% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they have been commanded to skip ad in five seconds by Lord Sandor, the Ruler. 

8.5% -  People who skip ad in five seconds because given the luck they have had throughout their entire lives there is just no way there are going to be tits in the ad, even if they did watch it all the way through.

0.7 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because what are you going to do about it, Pilgrim?

0.3% - People who skip ad in five seconds because Jesus Christ has returned to Earth ushering in the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, and the End of Times and even though they are Jews just like us, why not check it out? 

24% - People who skip ad in five seconds because they are impatient assholes.

.2 % - People who skip ad in five seconds because a sexual partner is waiting for them. In other words, not you.

Note: Total of percentages above may not equal 100% because of rounding and very poor math skills.

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"Ever Notice?" or a Tribute of Sorts to Andy Rooney

Ever notice that this post is nowhere

 near as funny as it ought to be?

Ever notice how the incessant Tick … Tick … Tick … Tick … Tick… Tick… Tick which serves as the theme to 60 Minutes has gotten to be incredibly annoying after almost 50 years?

Amongst the ticking over the years was a crusty old gentleman (who was no doubt crusty and old even when he was 27) named Andy Rooney, whose humorous commentary on a wide range of subjects  used to appear in the final minutes of the show. Sometimes Mr. Rooney began his commentary with the words "Ever notice?"  

For example: 

"Ever notice that your morning coffee usually tastes better when you've gotten a good night's sleep rather than when you've drunken yourself into a  Dean Martin-sized stupor and awakened in Tijuana with a donkey in your bed?"

In memory of the late Mr. Rooney, I hereby present: 

Ever Notice:

* How many people seem to be too young to remember Andy Rooney despite the fact that he was on 60 Minutes as late as 2011?   

* How smart phones seem to be getting larger these days even though it’s generally the point of technological advancement that things get smaller and not larger, especially remembering how in Seinfeld cell phones and mobile phones used to be almost as large as Jerry’s head?

 

*That some people are constantly updating their Facebook photos in spite of the fact that most people get shittier looking as they get older which must mean that these folks want to be telling us "Hey, look how progressively less fuckable I'm getting?"

*That it is obvious that there is no such thing as time travel because no one has ever come back to tell us “Don’t worry, folks, Trump was impeached on March 8, 2018?”

*Everybody you know has kids who are superb in every respect such that you are constantly hearing “my Bruce graduated summa cum summa from Hot Shit University where he was editor of the campus newspaper, captain of the football team, and president of the Students Who Are Smarter Than Einstein Club and has a job lined up at Google where he’s going to be Head of Everything Important and this summer he’s tutoring children in a remote village in Gabon in English, math, social studies, and quantum physics,” and yet we have a culture in the United States such that we’ve elected an ignorant buffoon as president?

*That David Crosby is getting to look something like Ben Franklin with a walrus mustache?

*How we Baby Boomers fully understand and relate to the decades of the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s but you could figuratively throw a blanket over the 80’s, 90’s, 2000s, and 2010s such that if a younger person says something like “That’s so nineties,”  we have no fucking clue what that means?

*That there are so many superhero movies and TV shows any more that it feels like we've been ripped off because we seem to live in a parallel universe where there are no superheroes and couldn't we at least have one superhero in our universe even if he or she has a lousy superpower, like being able to skip really well?

* That anybody who still supports Trump these days is the kind of person who would argue that Curly Joe was the funniest of the Three Stooges?

*How amazing it is that Jennifer Aniston who is not all that young doesn't realize that an iconic song for an entire generation like "All You Need is Love” does not belong in an eye drop commercial and that whoever approved her Eye Love commercial must be someone who's too young to remember Rooney Mara, let along Andy Rooney?

* That the same goes for "Werewolves of London" which is also being appropriated for some stupid ass commercial in which it decidedly does not belong?

.

*That actors who play illness sufferers in drug commercials usually do not appear in other commercials as totally different people who are completely healthy and having a great life because we would feel abused and betrayed that the person we were feeling so sorry for who was dying from Mishkin’s Disease is now eating Godiva Chocolates in Paris? 

* How depressing it is how many people seem to be too young to remember Andy Rooney despite the fact that he was on 60 Minutes as late as 2011?

*That TCM is not quite as special without Robert Osborne, but we'll get over it?

*That when you know a heterosexual couple you usually like him and don’t like her or you like her and don't like him such that it would almost be refreshing if you hated them both?

*That when you know a homosexual couple you usually like him and don’t like him or you like him and don't like him such that it would almost be refreshing if you hated them both?

*That your morning coffee usually tastes better when you’ve drunken yourself into a Dean Martin-sized stupor and awakened in Tijuana with a donkey in your bed rather than having gotten a good night's sleep?

Ever notice, dear Mr. Rooney, that as entertaining as you were, that last "ever notice?" 

You finally got it right!

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Life's Little Pleasures II

It’s been one hell of a terrible year!

Many beloved celebrities passing away (not that this doesn’t happen every year), the election of a dangerous demagogue as President, and our own personal mishigas have all combined to make year 2016 about as enjoyable as the Bubonic Plague.

    What can we do?  Well, sometimes I try to focus myself upon what I call “Life’s Little Pleasures,” those usually small things in life that tend to make one feel a little bit better.

    So tell me, Maria, what are some of your favorite things?  Well, first off, one favorite thing is you not calling me "Maria." Here are a few of the others, some of which are actually for real and not jokes:

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     1) A very personable and attentive waiter or waitress, especially if it's a waitress with big boobs.

2) The Oxford Comma. It is always right, just and appropriate.

     3) Throwing bread to ducks in a creek, especially if you are with a small child, right up until the moment the ducks surround you and start making anti-Semitic quacks.

4) Being caught up and fully up to date in a project, assignment, or major task you’re doing.

5) Yeah, like that's really going to happen …

6) Learning a new word and shortly afterwards reading it or hearing it used a number of additional times and finding it amazing that you had never heard that word before in your entire life, and now it seems to be everywhere!

7) Anybody's smile.   

8) Being told you look like a certain star or performer unless you hate the star or performer, think he or she is goofy looking, or it's Nicholas Cage.

     9) Anticipating Trump's impeachment.

    10) Feeling yourself genuinely affected with emotion at hearing unhappy news or watching a sad story on television and thinking “gee, maybe I’m not such a self-absorbed, vacuous waste of an unfeeling human being as I thought I was after all!” 

    11) Getting at least one of the scrambled words in the “Daily Jumble” figured out quickly, even if it’s only a four letter word and a dippy little four letter word like "boot," to boot!

    12) Fantasizing about what if you had incredible powers like Superman such as flying, bending steel in your bare hands, or being able to get Gal Gadot's phone number. 

13) Sharing a box of popcorn with somebody with whom you feel close enough to eat out of the same box of popcorn with. (But no way buttered!)

    

    14) Watching a movie on television on a true movie channel that shows the full closing credits (and closing theme music too!) without speeding them up, shrinking them and putting them in the upper left hand corner of the screen to promote some other dopey show on the main part of the screen, or having them abruptly and unceremoniously end to make way for a commercial with Flo. 

15) Being asked by a friend to read something he or she has written and after you read it being able to tell him or her that you truly liked it without having to lie! Or maybe just a teeny bit.

          16) Finding an interesting coin from another country in your change.

    17) Discovering the shampoo that’s absolutely right for you and after using it, feeling like your hair looks thick, full, lustrous, and better than ever before, even though it still looks like shit.

     18) Completing all of the items on your “To Do” List.

    19) Yeah, like that's really going to happen …

        20) The first day you finally feel you are pretty much over your cold.

    21) Being in a room full of hundreds of people at a conference and even though you feel apprehensive about speaking in a group that large, raising your hand and asking a question and hearing the speaker say “that’s a GREAT question!”

    22) Fantasizing about living in another period of time like the Middle Ages but still possessing your current knowledge, sophistication, and liberal views, so you are considered “ahead of your time.”  And not getting burned at the stake for it.

    23) Reconciling your checkbook and getting it to come out perfectly the first time.

    24) Yeah, like that's really going to happen …

    25) Having an opportunity to obtain a celebrity’s autograph and despite feeling reticent about it, going up to the celebrity, finding him or her to be friendly, and getting the autograph.  And a selfie too, if you're not too old to be intimidated by having a picture taken with somebody that way better looking than you. 

    26) Needing gas on a day that’s very cold and being in New Jersey where by law there’s an attendant to pump it for you and you don't have to get out of the car or do a damn thing!

    27) Successfully parallel parking in a narrow space without scraping your tires, banging the car in front and/or behind you, or running over innocent bystanders.

    28) A great cup of coffee that you didn’t expect in a shitty restaurant.

       29) Having a friend of the opposite sex with whom you feel as close as                 with a friend of your own sex.

       30) Any items on this list about which we have written ”yeah,                               like that's really going to happen” actually happening.

Happy Holidays, Maria!

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Resolutions Late But Great

I'm a little late to the party in putting together my list of resolutions for 2016, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.

Nonetheless I have compiled a list of behaviors of mine which could use a bit of improvement and condensed the resulting 375 items down to a concise list of ten, each of which I will fail to achieve but will come close enough to so that I can act like I made the effort. 

Here then are my Top Ten Resolutions Late But Great for 2016:  

1) I will stop and smell the roses. Then I will bust my ass to make up the time wasted. 

2) I will do something that greatly benefits and enhances the stature of the Jewish people.  I will convert to another religion.

3) I will work on improving my memory.  I will work on improving my memory.

4) I will stop whining about being older.  I will whine about everything.

5) I will learn how to definitively say "no" when someone asks me to do something I truly don't want to do, especially when it involves someone asking me to get out of bed.

6) I will be more genuine, sincere, and real with others around me.  That way I'll be better able to con them when I need to exploit them for something. 

7) I will volunteer to work for sane and reasonable gun control because that damn NRA gets me so mad I could just shoot every one of those fuckers!

8) I will be less self-deprecating because even a schmuck like me doesn't always screw up.

9) At long last I will find deep, true, and abiding love.  Then I'll turn off the Hallmark Channel and have a snack. 

10) I will always remember to be in the moment, that moment being 4:36 P.M. June 1, 1973. 


And this moment being January 2, 2016, I wish you a .....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Now let's get out there and start breaking the shit out of our respective resolutions!

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Life's Little Pleasures

I love life!

I've frequently been accused of being sort of a negative person, but that is totally ridiculous, stupid, and as completely wrong as a thought can be and anyone who thinks it is an idiot not worth associating with.

Okay, it's true.  

But there are some things that I do enjoy, things that I refer to as Life's Little Pleasures, each of which makes life a little bit more worth living. For me, these Life's Little Pleasures include:

• Discovering it’s safe to say "fuck" around a new friend.

• Watching the really awful bad guy I've hated all through the movie suffer a truly gruesome, painful, horrible, dismembering, blood-splattering death while screaming "No, NO! AHHHHHHH!!!," even if the movie otherwise sucked.

• Popping all the large round bubbles in one of those sheets of plastic wrapping stuff that just came to me in a package and then finding an extra sheet of that stuff in the packaging I hadn't noticed before all ready to pop! 

• A stimulating intellectual conversation into which I've been able to insert the word "throbbing" at least twice.

• Coming across a reference somewhere that indicates someone else has gone longer than I have without sex, such as "the slain Union soldiers buried here at Gettysburg have not had sex in over 150 years."

• Sitting by the shore watching the waves roll in and out on a beautiful summer's day and then going into the water and pissing my kidneys out.

• Successfully opening one of those goddamn clear plastic produce bags on the very first try!

• Being smiled at by an attractive  woman as I walk down the street even if it's only because there's toilet paper stuck to my shoe.

• Getting up extremely early for a special purpose, like going on vacation or a special trip, and thinking how good it feels to be utilizing and experiencing these precious morning hours when normally I wouldn't even be close to getting up,  and  then going the fuck back to bed.

• Waving someone into the lane ahead of me, seeing the other person smile broadly, look very appreciative, and wave back.  Then ramming her!  

• Running into someone I haven't seen in a long time and falsely gushing about how good he looks and when he doesn't return the compliment after numerous tries to lead him straight into it watching a bird take a  big dump right on his head.

• A hug from a dear friend, especially if she has big boobs.

• Any time I get to use the word "mercurial." 

• Meeting someone new and finding out that we both know someone in common and after further conversation finding out that we both think the person we know in common is an asshole! 

• Walking in a deep soft snow late at night when no one else is around and running into someone else doing the same as you. Then beating him up and taking his wallet.  

• Finding a pair of jeans that fits really well in the rear because I have such a tiny butt if I were to fall really hard on my ass I would probably die.

• Watching two or three small bunnies cavorting on my lawn.

• Me cavorting on my lawn with two or three small bunnies.

• Getting lost in a good book, especially if each and every way out goes past a sex scene.

• A day without spilling, were I ever to have one.

• Hearing someone who is sort of a jerk use a word like “irregardless,” and when I very nicely correct him he expresses the expected obnoxious and condescending opinion that he or she knows he is right and I am obviously wrong and savoring the glorious  thought of the person looking it up later and saying aloud “oh, shit!" 

• Being able to determine promptly and definitively if something is good for the Jews.

Maybe some day these and other Life's Little Pleasures will turn me from someone who's a bit negative into a true happy camper!

I hate camping though. 

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When It's Your Turn to Speak, DON'T!

When it's your turn to speak, DON'T!

Until you read the list below.

Gleaned from my over 30 years of avoiding public speaking,  here are:

Twenty Essential Rules for Outstanding Public Speaking Even You Can't Screw Up

1)  Show up. 

2)  Bring own scotch.

3)  Prepare!  Prepare !  Prepare!  To Die! To Die! To Die! 

4)  Imagine you are Morgan Freeman. 

5) Suck up shamelessly to the meeting host, especially if the host is me.

6) Mingle with the audience and attempt to learn issues relevant to the group to incorporate into your presentation. Also try to connect with some undiscriminating hottie.

7) Keep in mind audience members are on your side and want you to do well. Except for the ones who don’t.

8) Don't shout "Turkey Neck, Turkey Neck" to audience members who look like Mitch McConnell. 

9) Exhibit excellent posture. If audience members begin shouting  "Esmeralda! Flee, Esmeralda!"  I'd look into it.

10) Actually be Morgan Freeman.

11) Open speech with amusing anecdote about leaden containment structures.

12)  Don't spit when you speak, but if you do, make sure to hit the fat guy in the second row.

13) Avoid corny cliches. That way your presentation will be out of this world!

14) Only speak in ancient Sumerian when discussing critical Best Practices points.

15) Avoid addressing B'nai B'rith group decked out in full Nazi regalia.

16) Don't respond to questions with "What do you think I look like – Wikipedia?"

17) Stop eating huge rind of gorgonzola cheese when coming to the conclusion.

18)  Although counter-intuitive, don't wrap up presentation with a pitch for Amway products.

19) Always leave 'em with the old soft shoe! 

20)  If you haven't already, check fly.  Zip up as appropriate

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