The Second Remake of The Fly (FF)

FF-Friday Fictioneers

copyright:  Douglas M. Macilroy 

"Again, Andre?"

"Afraid so, Helene.  I just can't seem to get that bug out of the system … so to speak."

"Oh, Andre, every time you transport yourself in the disintegrator-integrator, you come running out here with that contraption over your head saying 'here we go again!'"

"I know, I know.  That pesky fly keeps getting into the chamber with me and our atoms get mixed and I wind up with a fly's head …”

"And I have to catch the fly with the human head so we can reverse the process. Well, better get going."

"Helene, this time it's ... um ...a little different."

"How's that?"

"This time I was in the Chamber with Uncle Herby."

"OMG! Help me! Help me!"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In remaking The Fly as my contribution to this week's Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above, I faced a daunting task. Both of the previous versions of The Fly made in 1958 and 1986 were quite good and very successful, and I had a budget of $2.25, no actors, and only 100 words to work with, although I always cheat on the words.

So I hit on the idea of introducing a new character:  Uncle Herby.  Hopefully you loved him.  If not, I'm sure you'll love the takes on the prompt by the other Friday Fictioneers which are materializing right now in the disintegrator- integrator if you click on it here.  

Now will somebody please get Uncle Herby's sexual organs off my forehead?

Blogpost of Horror

BLOGPOST OF

Three Tales of (not so)
Classic Horror!

presenting

The Sliming

 Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers

The Ex-President's Exorcist 

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THE SLIMING

Blog writer Perry Block and his son Brandon are driving to the remote Overlook Hotel.

Brandon: Dad, why have you accepted a job as a caretaker at an old hotel when you're Jewish and you can barely tie your shoelaces, let alone maintain a building?

Perry:  It will be nice and quiet there so I can work on my blog writing.

Brandon: Nice and quiet describes your fan base too!

At the hotel ...

Scatman Crothers: (to Brandon) You have a certain ability which I call SLIMING.

Brandon:  Aren't you getting your movie parodies mixed up, Mr. Crothers?

Scatman Crothers: No, I mean you can see things telepathically that others can't.

Brandon:  Like those two dead girls? I thought they were part of the floor show!

Brandon goes to check on Perry's writing.

Brandon: (incredulous)  Dad, what on earth is this?!!  (reading)

All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with  .... All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ....  All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ... All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ....

Perry:   It's my latest post.  

Brandon:  Why, it's far and away the best thing you've ever written! The most intelligible too.

Perry:  Thanks!   AHHHH!!!   What's that green goo squirting at us?!

Brandon:  Oh, it's just THE SLIMING from Ghostbusters.  I knew there was a parody mix-up.

Perry:  Let's get cleaned up and get out of here!

Brandon:  Good. Where's the john?

Perry: Right here. To my left a few steps.

Brandon:  Where?  

Perry:  Right in front of you! 

Brandon:  I don't see it!

Perry:        Brandon:

 HERE'S JOHNNY!!!!

Brandon:  Oh.  Got it.       

 (Lame, I know. They'll get better.)

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 Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers

Dr. Miles Block (voiceover): My name is Dr. Miles Block. I am a successful gynecologist (In real life it should only be!) in Santa Mira CA.  One day an old friend came to my office, the recently divorced Becky Driscoll, with whom I would soon become romantically entangled.

Becky: If you're entangled, Miles, you should use a better cream rinse.

Dr. Miles Block:  Sure, Becky.  Who is that with you? 

Becky:  It's my Uncle George.  He's behaving very strangely.  

Uncle George:  WOO HOO.  Meh.  :*)

Becky:  See, Miles, he doesn't talk like a normal person.

Dr. Miles Block:  Yes, it's as if someone has snatched away the body of his language, leaving only silly abbreviated jargon behind.

Becky:  Oooh, Miles! Nice tie-in to the title of this dumb parody! 

Uncle George: WOOT! LOL!  See a pix of my kitty, Mr. Parsnips!  :*)    : @)   : o }

Becky:  Miles, it's horrible!  What is it?!

Dr. Miles Block:  I don't know but we must stop it!  

Dr. Dan Kauffman: (entering the scene) IMHO, u cant stop it, Miles.   STFU! ROFLMAO! 

Dr. Miles Block: What is all this, Dan? And I didn't say anything funny ....

Dr. Kauffman: While u sleep, they snatch the body of u're language, leaving u to talk in inane gibberish & become obsessed w/ former Star Trek actor George Takei!

Dr. Miles Block:  What are they, giant seedpods?

Dr. Kauffman: No, Miles, Giant Facebooks! 

Dr. Miles Block:  And this is a good thing because? 

Dr. Kauffman:   Beats me. Ask Al Gore! YOLO! 

Dr. Miles Block: Run, Becky, Run!

Dr. Kauffman:   U cant run, Miles. WOOT! WOOT!  But do run to purchase George Takei's new book "Oh Myyy!," now available on Amazon, iTunes, and Barnes & Noble! WOOT! WOOT!

Uncle George:  WOO HOO!

Becky:  Help!  Help!! Help!!!

Dr. Miles Block (Voiceover):  Becky and I ran for our linguistic lives! Finally when we'd escaped Dan Kauffman and Uncle George, I left Becky for a moment. You know, I had to go pee pee. (That's a legitimate full word.) When I returned ....

Becky:  I went to sleep, Miles & it happened. I mean: IWTSMAIH!  WOOT!  WOOT!    !!!!!

Dr. Miles Block: Oh, Becky, I should never have left you. There goes the possibility of any stimulating conversations with you  about William Butler Yeats!
   
Becky: HE'S HERE! LOL! LMAO! ROFLMAO! BTW, making soup today!

Dr. Miles Block (Voiceover): I've known fear in my time, but never fear like when I tried to talk to Becky in full demonstrative sentences and she replied with IWTSMAIH. WOOT! WOOT!     !!!!!!, and got 27 likes to boot! I ran to the highway to warn the others.

Dr. Miles Block:  You're next! You're next, You're next!

Motorist 1:  WTF?

Motorist 2: STFU!

Motorist 3: Luv Mr. Parnips! :&)   

Dr. Miles Block:  Umm,  Dan?  

Dr. Kauffman:  Yes, Miles? YOLO! 

Dr. Miles Block: Where's the happy alternative ending? Y'know, where they finally believe me and they call out the FBI? 

Dr. Kauffman: This is the original version of the film, Miles.  NHE. 

Dr. Miles Block:  NHE? 

Dr. Kauffman:  No happy ending. 

Dr. Miles Block: No happy ending?

Dr. Kauffman:  NHE.     

Dr. Miles Block:  OMG! U're next! U're next! OMG! WTF!!! Poke! Like me on Facebook. :*) : @) Impeach Obama!  U're next! U're next! U're next ....

George Takei:  And you're next.

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The Ex-President's Exorcist

After the above establishing shot, the front door of a house is seen from the inside. A loud knock is heard.

The Mrs:  Who is it?

There is no reply.

The Mrs:  I said, Who is it?

Voice:  (ominously) You sent for me.

The Mrs:  Oh, yes, come in.  Please come in.

The Mrs. cautiously opens the door to reveal ....

Father Perry Block: I am the Ex-President's Exorcist, Father Perry Block. 

The Mrs: But you're not even Catholic!

Father Perry Block: It's all part of an exchange program.  I get to be an exorcist for a month, some Catholic guy gets to be funny. Or think he's funny.

The Mrs: Oh, Father Block, it's been terrible! The things that Reagan has said and done, the spewing bile, the head turning 360 degrees; if only Ed Sullivan were still on, we'd make a fortune!  Is this a case of demonic possession?

Father Perry Block: We'll soon see.  I have to examine your daughter.

The Mrs: My daughter?!  No, it's my husband who's possessed --- Former President Ronald Reagan.

Father Perry Block: No wonder I'm called the Ex-President's Exorcist!  That explains the calls from Hillary Clinton, but I can't exorcise somebody who's alive!

Father Block and the Mrs. ascend to Reagan's bedroom.  As they open the door....

Reagan: Your mother knits socks so well!  

Father Perry Block: (to audience) Got to admit we handled that one deftly, didn't we, folks?

The Mrs:  Ever since the Democrats began praising my husband and talking about how he wouldn't recognize the Republican Party today, they seem to be taking him over! 

Reagan:  You know, Mommy, lately I think government may not be big enough.

The Mrs. screams!

Father Perry Block: Tip O'Neil, is that you?

Reagan sits up and spins his head around 360 degrees. The Mrs. screams again!

The Mrs:  What does it mean, Father Block?

Father Perry Block: It means Reagan is now seeing all dimensions of an issue, not just the one-sided view of the modern Republican Party! 

Reagan opens his mouth and vomits gobs of green disgusting bile.

The Mrs: What on earth is that revolting slop?

Father Perry Block: Oh my God!  He's vomited out the rhetoric of the National Rifle Association!!!  

Reagan: You know, Mommy, there should be some redistribution of wealth for those less fortunate.

The Mrs: Do something, Father Block!  Reagan is turning into a straight Barney Frank!

Father Perry Block:  Come onto me, Evil Spirit!  Take me, not Reagan!  (to audience) Like I would actually do something like this ....

The spirit rises from the body of Reagan, then turns upon Father Block!

Boy, if this doesn't get us readers!

The Spirit enters the body of Father Block.  It can distinctly be seen gritting its teeth and holding its nose beforehand.  Father Block crashes through the window and into the courtyard below, and believe it or not, it's more fun than he ever had as a Jew!

The Mrs. runs down to Father Block.

The Mrs: Father Block!  Father Block!  Reagan is cured; he's arranging tax breaks for millionaires as we speak!

Father Perry Block: Thank goodness.  And ... and ...  this ... this is Hardball on MSNBC, the Place for Politics!

The Mrs:  So!  It was Chris Matthews all along!  

Father Perry Block: Well, things could be worse.  At least I'm not Anthony Weiner!

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Blogpost of Horror!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Written by Perry ChoppingBlock

Produced by Pierce-y Block

Directed by Puree Shlockmeister

Look Who's a Granddaddy Now (No, Not Me!)

You don't have to be as long in the tooth as we Boomers are to realize that most everybody relates in a big way to the stars of their own generation. 

That's why it comes as a bit of a shock to realize that we have reached a point in the evolution of the Baby Boomer generation where Dustin Hoffman, Richard Dreyfuss, and Henry Winkler are playing Jewish grandfathers.

Think of it: the young shark hunter from Jaws, The Graduate, and Fonzie himself schlepping around in plaid pants complaining about constipation, why grandkids never call, and how much they love the specials at IHOP  if you just can get there before 5:30.  

Richard Dreyfuss always radiated a youthful exuberance on screen from the days he actually was young in American Graffiti  and into his many more mature roles.  He began to look old for his age even then, but there was always that brash self-confidence that seemed young and vital no matter how much hair he lost or how gray the rest of it became. 

Few of his roles better captured the spirit of Richard Dreyfuss on screen than Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Jaws, in which he battled a man-eating beast with teeth a foot long and sharp as razors. 

Nowadays Richard Dreyfuss is more likely to be seen in a role with teeth in a glass rather than in the mouth of a marauding monster.

Nobody was bigger on television in the 1970's than Arthur Fonzarelli except maybe your Aunt Tessie when she fell on top of the Zenith and crushed the rabbit ears.  Henry Winkler played the Fonz as the bad boy with the not-so-hidden heart of gold who won over the hearts of young and old just as he won over Happy Days to become its unlikely star. 

Quintessential Fonzie places him standing at the mirror all set to comb his greasy mane and suddenly flinging his arms aside realizing that one cannot top perfection.

Nowadays if  Henry Winkler - who has already starred in his own reverse mortgage commercial - were to fling his arms aside at a mirror, the only perfection he'd likely achieve would be a perfect dislocation of his shoulder.  

You'd have to have been an older Boomer in the late 1960's to understand how The Graduate was the youth movie of 1967.  This was a pre-long hair era depiction of youthful alienation from American culture and values that struck we pre-long hairs as being just where we were head-wise (pre-long hair and otherwise) back in the day.

Dustin Hoffman expertly played the role as an befuddled but appealing everykid buffeted between uncertain messages from a well-meaning neighbor's "Plastics" to a not-so-well-meaning neighbor's "Gymnastics?"

Dustin Hoffman, of course, went on to one of the most distinguished careers in modern motion pictures, but how do young people see him today? As Ben Stiller's Dad and granddad of Ben's brood in Meet the Fochers and Little Fochers.

We of the Baby Boomer era should be happy when we see Dreyfuss, Winkler, Hoffman and others like Albert Brooks and Billy Crystal --- though now cinematic grandpappies all --- still active, sometimes starring, and for the most part going strong.

And we are.

Of course, hah, look at them!

I look way better, don't you think?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brandon Block IS The Graduate

It's hard to believe, but my son Brandon Block is The Graduate.  This spring he's graduated from high school and is headed off to college in the fall.  I'm a little concerned, however, that he may be taking his role as The Graduate just a wee bit too much to heart.

Lately the kid's been kind of listless, mostly just lying around the pool and drinking beer. 

"Brandon," I said, "what's going on?  It's perfectly understandable that a young man who's done excellent work might want to relax a bit, but you're taking this to extremes."

"I'm a little concerned about my future, Dad," said Brandon. 

"I am, too," I replied, "especially considering we don't have a pool."

"Some guy at the graduation party suggested  I go into plastics."

"Plastics!  This isn't 1967!"

Brandon's odd behavior continued.  One day soon after, he walked into the kitchen with a startling announcement.

"I hope you won't be too shocked, Dad, but I'm having an affair with Mrs. Robinson, the wife of your business partner."

"Frankly, Brandon, I am shocked.  Because I don't know anybody named Mrs. Robinson, and I don't have a business partner!"

"Nevertheless, I'm having an affair with Mrs. Robinson.  It began one night in a hotel where I also had an amusing interaction with a desk clerk played by actor/writer Buck Henry."

Now I was really concerned!  I was so concerned I discussed the situation with my psychiatrist, Dr. Kropotkin, but what he said was not all that reassuring, especially when he asked me if I could get him Buck Henry's autograph.

Then came the bombshell.

"Dad, I'm going to marry Elaine Robinson."

"Isn't that kind of a half-baked idea, son?"

"No, it's completely baked."

"No, Brandon, I mean it's half-baked in that  She's a fictional character! None of these people are real, they're characters in a movie!!! 

"Nevertheless, I am going to marry Elaine Robinson."

Two days later, I received a phone call that was the final straw.

"Who is this?  Mike Nichols? Mike Nichols who?!  Brandon did what?!  Disrupted Elaine Robinson's wedding and ran off with her?!!  He wants me to meet him where?!!!"

I  sped to the address the man had given me, ran into the house, and incredibly there they all were: the late Anne Bancroft as Mrs. Robinson, the late Murray Hamilton as Mr. Robinson, the young Katherine Ross as Elaine Robinson, Dustin Hoffman as no one in particular, and even Buck Henry!

"Brandon, how is this possible?!" I exclaimed. "How can you actually be The Graduate?"

"Everybody's The Graduate at some time or other, Dad.   Life's like that.  And  then we move on to another movie."

"I think I get it," I said.  "And this is your time. What movie's next for you?"

"Who knows? That's all part of the deal."

"Hey, Bran, if it turns out to be Casablanca?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

"Can you get me Bogey's autograph?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Autographs anyone?

McDonald's --- Your Great Gatsby Headquarters!

I'm Lovin' It!

“I’ll have a Quarter Pounder, small fries, and a coke, please.”

“Why, you’re the callow Nick Carraway from the hit film The Great Gatsby!”

“And I’ll have a Big Mac with all the fixin’s, Old Sport!”

“And you’re The Great Gatsby! Welcome to McDonalds!”

~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, this summer, McDonald’s is your Great Gatsby Headquarters!

All summer long every Happy Meal comes with an action figure from the new hit movie “The Great Gatsby,” overdirected by Baz Luhrman and starring a miscast Leonardo DiCaprio.

There’s:

Tom, the racist asshole,

Myrtle, the blowsy tramp,

Meyer, the oily Jewish gambler,

Daisy, the pretty but essentially worthless airhead,

Nick, the closeted gay man, and

The Great Gatsby, the endearing but grandiloquent phony baloney himself!

Collect ‘em all!  But you better hurry, because just like the lean spare prose of the novel, this offer is limited!

So, beat on, boats against the current …. 

to  McDonald's!

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