Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is .... WHERE?

I found myself needing automobile insurance recently and wanted to pick the best company to purchase it from. First I thought of Flo from Progressive, but after suffering third degree makeup burns obtaining a quote,  I decided to look further.

The television commercial of one major insurance company intrigued me.  If you have a claim of any kind whatsoever, all you need do is sing the company's commercial jingle and an agent materializes by your side. Despite the fact that I'm tone deaf, that's the kind of service I can wrap my somewhat accident-prone teeth around!

So, I went out and purchased me some State Farm Automobile Insurance.  Darned if within the next week someone didn't go right through a red light and into my car!  Bashed in the whole right side leaving it undriveable and me with bumps, bruises, and maybe a broken arm.

"Thankfully,  I don't need to worry a thing!"  I thought confidently.  All I have to do is lift my voice in song.

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there," I sang out.

Instantly a man in a business suit appeared. 

"Wonderful!"  I exclaimed.  "You must be my State Farm Agent!"

"Agent?" he replied. "No, I'm plainclothes police officer Steve Tompkins, and your reckless driving almost killed this poor woman!  It will take hours to write up all the citations and violations you've committed!"

"But what about my arm?"

"I'd be a lot more worried about my ass if I were you, slimeball!" 

Hauled down to police headquarters, I knew I needed help.

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!" I sang again.

A woman in a smartly tailored suit was next to me like magic.

"At last," I sighed. "My State Farm Agent!"

"Agent?  No, I'm plaintiff's attorney Jane Slytherin, and I'm suing you on behalf of my client Agnes Somerville for $8 million dollars!  Here's the paperwork; see you in court slimeball!"

Now I kept singing desperately!

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!!" 

"You my agent?"

"No, I'm Judge Howard Appelbaum of Superior Court.  I find for the plaintiff and against you in the amount of $15,000,000!  Pay up, slimeball!"

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!!!" 

"My... my ... Agent?"

"No, Sheriff John Lawful. We're repossessing your home, all personal property,  your dental bridgework, and just about everything you've ever touched! Well, almost everything."

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ... !" 

"Agent?  Agent?" 

"No, horse doctor Miles Gallop."

"Could you look at my withered arm please?"

"Yep, looks broken. See ya."

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there ...."  with the last ounce of my strength.

"Agent ... agent ... you two guys my agent?"

"No, we've come from the state to take you away.  Now go easy, old fella..."

"Why does he keep singing that stupid song?" I heard one say to another. 

"Poor guy, he's way off key," said the other. "Incredible thing, if you sing the jingle in the key of G Sharp, a State Farm Agent appears IMMEDIATELY!"

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Walk Like a Comedian

I have always been a fan of the legendary film, radio, and television comedian Jack Benny.  I realize that many of you of the Generation X and Generation Y persuasion don't know jack about Jack.

I have also been a fan of having good posture, since good posture tends to indicate health, confidence, and a greater ability to get chicks.  Unfortunately, my actual posture is often utilized in mathematical textbooks nationwide as Fig. 15-8, which illustrates the geometric form known as a parabola. 

Little did I dream that my old-time comedy hero would provide the inspiration for me to finally conquer my posture problem. Jack Benny  --- known as the Old Skinflint for his comedic image of cheapness ---walked onto the stage on his television show in the 1950's in a unique manner all his own.  Hands swinging at his sides, he strode across the stage to the tune of his theme song Love in Bloom in a manner that could best be described as quasi-pseudo-grandiloquent, or something like that, sort of. 

Well, Gee!

Whatever it was, I found that effecting his walk naturally caused me to stand up straighter. Using my Jack Benny Walk, I go anywhere secure in the knowledge that America's beloved comedian is with me, ensuring my outstanding posture. 

"Hi, Perry, nice to see you," said Len Farbman as I arrived at his home for a small party last Saturday.

"Hello, Len, and Welcome to our Program for State Farm Insurance!" I replied. 

Unfortunately the Walk Like a Comedian Posture Strategy does sometimes also feature a certain blurring of identities.

Once inside I spied my friend Blitzstein.

"Oh, Fella!" I said to Blitzstein. 

"Oh, hey, Perry, what's up?"

"What's up?   No, you're supposed to say "Y-e-e-e-e-s-s-s!" in the manner of Jack Benny's longtime foil, Frank Nelson. 

"Oh, I didn't know there was a script." 

"Now cut that out!"

I left the pagan Blitzstein and glided across the room, arms swinging at my sides,  Love In Bloom resonating in my head,  posture immaculate.  And incredibly I walked right into the best looking woman at the party!

"W-e-e-e-e-l-l-l!" I said,  crossing my arms,  putting one hand up to the side of my face,  and turning my head to one side.

And then, unfortunately, I got nervous.

"Hello, I don't believe we've met," she said. "What's your name?"

"Oh, Rochester!"

"You're from Rochester?"

"No, no, no!  Oh, Don!  Don Wilson!  Ladies and gentlemen, our announcer Don Wilson!"

"Your name is Don Wilson?  You're weird!  And why are you slumped over like that?"

"Your money,  or your life?  

"What?!!"

"I'm thinking it over!"

"Well, I don't have to think anything over, loser, I'm outta here!  And stand up straight for heaven's sake!"

The rest of the evening I'm afraid my posture was like that of an apt candidate for a finishing school run by Quasimodo.  I guess there's a few bugs yet to be worked out of the Jack Benny Walk Like A Comedian  Posture Strategy.  

But I'll fix 'em. Because Mr. Benny, the Old Skinflint, and I have a lot in common. You see, folks, both of us are 39! 

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Note: If you don't know Jack Benny, Gens X & Y,  you should.  Not only will you understand the above jokes (which may not necessarily be worth understanding), you'll meet a great American entertainer.  You can also catch the famous walk at the link above.