Saturday, July 7, 2012

The God Particle Makes You An Offer

This is it!*

It has been called the "God Particle."     

And its likely discovery earlier this week has the world's top physicists as giddy and exhilarated as a slightly post pubescent teenage girl about to be French kissed by the Biebs, minus the hot and sticky panties.

The particle causing all the hoo-ha is the Higgs boson, thought by physicists to be the basic building block of the universe and one of the few building blocks not manufactured by Mattel or Tonka. Scientists believe that the Higgs boson has been observed by use of an immense particle accelerator in Geneva Switzerland that serves as a sort of bumper car for protons,  propelling gleeful protons head-first into one another and coming to a stop just as the protons are really getting into it.  

The Higgs boson has been nicknamed the "God Particle" because physicists long believed it had a long white beard and demanded animal sacrifice, but bosons have now been determined to be clean shaven.  Who or what may be small enough to have shaved them remains shrouded in mystery, but many physicists believe it was Daniel Radcliffe.

As for the theory about animal sacrifice, the hunt is on for teeny weeny itty bitty sheep!

Here's what has been learned so far about the little particle that could, the Higgs boson : 

What is the world of the Higgs boson like?  What if we could be shrunk down to the size of the smallest particle in the universe?
Not sure about you, but I wouldn't like it.

What is the Higgs boson itself composed of?
Milk chocolate, but after billions of years it's kind of stale.

Is the activity of the Higgs boson stable?
Generally, except on Saturday nights and those Jewish holidays which feature wine. 

Does the Higgs boson vibrate?
Amazing!  Here's one of the greatest discoveries in the history of the universe and still all you can think about is sex!

What color is the Higgs boson?
They come in red, blue, and floral green.   Matching neutrons are available but must be shipped from neighboring atoms at generally prohibitive cost. 

Does the Higgs boson have a sexual orientation? 
Yes. Openly gay.

Are there more grains of sand at the beach or Higgs bosons in your left ass cheek?
It is a tie. 

If the Higgs boson is the smallest object in the universe, what is the largest?
Chris Christie.   Ta-Dum!

What exactly is a boson?  
A boson is a tiny sub-atomic particle that is one letter off from being the word "bosom."

Why do some people giggle when they say or hear the word "boson?"
No idea.

Can the God Particle make you an offer you can't refuse?
Yes.  And if you do not accept, you may wake up with a quark's head in your bed.

Did Alex Trebeck know about the existence of the Higgs boson?
All along.

* Yes, I was so excited to hear about the discovery of the God Particle, I lost my lunch! (depicted above)


Lexi said...

I don't believe any of those images of the Higgs Boson, including the one at the top of this post. I think it's just people playing around in Adobe Photoshop, secure in the knowledge that no one can say it doesn't look like that. It's not like they took a photo, is it?

Yours sceptically,

A non-physicist.

Perry Block said...

No, Lexi, that's an actual photo of the Higgs boson I took earlier today with my cell phone camera.

I did a complete photo spread including some quite provocative shots of neutrinos with very large bosons!

All this money for atom smashers, and I don't even have a smart phone.

Winonah said...

Thank you for taking the time to explain the Higgs Boson between Justin Bieber jokes :)

Lexi said...

Well, now I'm impressed. You have your very own Higgs boson, and it's prepared to pose for you!

Give it my love.


Perry Block said...

Even when contemplating the eternal mysteries of reality, existence, and the universe, Winonah, there can never be enough Justin Bieber jokes.

Perry Block said...

You can be impressed, Lexi, but don't be envious.

You have no idea what it's like to toilet train one of these things!