Does It Make A Sound?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Scientists recently found out.

First an old broken-down Nissan Maxima was towed directly below a large oak tree about to fall in a dark and desolate part of a forest. The theory was that more potential "noise" would be created if the tree fell on an object as it would in a populated area rather than simply fell on the forest floor. Even an ersatz "road" was constructed beneath the car.

Super sensitive audiolaters and noise-matrons were stationed around the tree as scientists listened hundreds of miles away.  Yesterday, August 13, 2013, the tree finally fell. 

The tree made no noise.

The car screamed:  "WHAT THE F**K!"

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There you have it, folks: mystery solved:  You should be scared to death to drive in a Nissan Maxima. No results yet about other cars, but keep watching the Friday Fictioneers for further prompts similar to the one above upon which this 127 word news item is based.

If you want to hear lots more interesting scientific results, strap on your audiolater and check out the other Friday Fictioneers by making a loud audible click right here.

So glad I have a Toyota and ... what's that?  What did you say? Who are .... HOLY CRAP!

Bob, the Nearsighted Tree (FF)

FF - Flash Fiction

Bob, the world's only nearsighted tree, had created something of a stir among the annual convention of the United Optometrists of America. Dr. Lance Feldman, the opthamologist who had  fitted Bob with glasses the size of a Schwinn bicycle, showed a brief video depicting the refraction he'd performed on Bob.

"Better this way or better this way?" asked Dr. Feldman.

"The first way," said Bob. "Now I'll be able to clearly see squirrels coming and can way better hide my nuts!"

"Sharper or less sharp?"

"Sharper!  Hey, bet I can finally totally check out the hot tree next door and imagine her without bark!"

The assemblage applauded warmly. 

"If only other trees talked," sighed the doctor, "I might one day be able to realize my dream. To find a tree with astigmatism!!!"

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A tree may grow in Brooklyn but it can't outdo the tree in our story above --- based on the picture prompt also above --- unless it can sing and dance as well as talk.  And though it took an excessive 130 words to tell his story, I doubt that any tree can keep up with Bob, 20/20 vision or not. 

Bob, the Nearsighted Tree represents my weekly contribution to the fabulous Friday Fictioneers, and he joins me in inviting you to branch out into the work of the other Fictioneers and leaf through their many offerings by clicking here.

I think that I shall never see a Fictioneer post lovely as a tree!  I doubt that, especially if the tree is wearing Schwinn size glasses like Bob!

Atop of Ebert's Hill

As the legend goes, the old gnarled tree atop of Ebert's Hill comes alive before the eyes of one who chants the special incantation at midnight whenever a full moon shines above. I fell into possession of the incantation and ventured forth to see if the legend was true. 

"Dominos Pizzos Deliveros," I intoned on that windswept night six years ago.

The jagged branches of the old gnarled tree began moving and transforming, taking the shape of a beautiful young maiden. The tree's roots lifted out of the ground and became feet, and the woman walked toward me.

"Thank you for my liberation," she said, "I pray your captivity will not be long."  I felt my middle thickening, my arms twisting and freezing into place, and my feet sprouting and digging themselves deeply into the ground.  

I've heard of "popping a woody," folks, but this is ridiculous!

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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?  Don't worry:  if it's me falling, you'll hear me screaming all across the internet even if your PC is turned off!

This is my weekly contribution to the Fabulous Friday Fictioneers, and yep, I'm well over the 100 word limit at 146 words this week but I'm a tree, for goodness sake, so what the hell do you want? When you're ready to check out whether the other fictioneers put good wood on the ball, click the link above which also includes the special incantations that make up the ground rules here atop of Ebert's Hill, and yes, I did choose the name to honor the late film critic.

Think that you will never see a poem lovely as a tree?  Take another look at me, and see you next Friday. 

Just a Couple of Trees Talkin' on Tu B'Shvat

Tu B'sWhat?  Here's what ...

This short post is about the holiday of Tu B'Shvat.  And if you're a gentile, secular Jew, or almost any Jew other than a highly observant one,  you're forgiven if your immediate response is: 

Tu B'sWhat?

Nestled in mid to late January,  Tu B'Shvat is the hardly heralded Jewish holiday in honor of  trees, literally "the New Year for the Trees." And although it's a meaningful holiday, if the idea of a New Year's Eve for Trees strikes you as a little odd ... rest assured you're not alone.  

"Happy New Year, Maple Max!"

"Happy New Year to you too, Spruce Sammy."

"Yeah, New Year's Eve! Oh boy, oh boy!  Umm, Max?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"What do we do now?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's New Year's Eve!  Party time! Where are the party hats, the noisemakers, the hangin' with hot young saplings?!  Where's that special kiss on the leaves come twelve midnight?!!" 

"Umm, Sammy?"

"Yes?"

"We won't be doing any of that stuff."

"No? What will we be doing tonight then, Max?"

"Practicing photosynthesis. Growing bark. Maybe ... just maybe ... taking a few hits of CO2 later."  

"But ... but .... what about the parties?"

"We're trees, Sammy.  How would we get to any parties?"  

"Oh, right. Mobility's not our best thing."

"Yep,  I'd give up any dreams of becoming a travel writer if I were you."

"But there must be some excitement for us on New Year's, Max."

"Oh, there is: Tomorrow morning the humans stop by and give thanks to us."

"FANTASTIC!  The humans bring us gold, frankincense, and myrrh ... whatever myrrh is!"

"Sammy?"

"Yeah, Max?"

"The humans pat us on the trunk a coupla times and bolt."

"That's it?  Well, then there can't be all that much they have to thank us for!" 

"Only most of their basic food supply. And the nourishment of animals which supply all the rest.  Shade. Wood for their tools, dwellings, and other amenities of life.  And a little thing called oxygen."

"Gee,  you'd think all that would at least be worth an I-pad."

"Better get some sleep, kid."

"Well, next year in Jerusalem, Max!"

"Uh, kid?"

"Yes, Max?"

"We live in Philadelphia.  Can't really change that."

"Oh, yeah.  Mobility thing."    

"That's it."

"Well, goodnight, Max!"

"Goodnight, Sammy."

"Umm,  Max?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"No question about it; Tu B'Shvat is a great holiday. But if this is supposed to be our New Year's Eve, OY, spare me from dateless Saturdays in February!"

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Note:  This year, Tu B'Shvat is January 26, 2013.  Make sure and hug a tree.
They deserve it.