The God Particle Makes You An Offer

This is it!*

It has been called the "God Particle."     

And its likely discovery earlier this week has the world's top physicists as giddy and exhilarated as a slightly post pubescent teenage girl about to be French kissed by the Biebs, minus the hot and sticky panties.

The particle causing all the hoo-ha is the Higgs boson, thought by physicists to be the basic building block of the universe and one of the few building blocks not manufactured by Mattel or Tonka. Scientists believe that the Higgs boson has been observed by use of an immense particle accelerator in Geneva Switzerland that serves as a sort of bumper car for protons,  propelling gleeful protons head-first into one another and coming to a stop just as the protons are really getting into it.  

The Higgs boson has been nicknamed the "God Particle" because physicists long believed it had a long white beard and demanded animal sacrifice, but bosons have now been determined to be clean shaven.  Who or what may be small enough to have shaved them remains shrouded in mystery, but many physicists believe it was Daniel Radcliffe.

As for the theory about animal sacrifice, the hunt is on for teeny weeny itty bitty sheep!

Here's what has been learned so far about the little particle that could, the Higgs boson : 

What is the world of the Higgs boson like?  What if we could be shrunk down to the size of the smallest particle in the universe?
Not sure about you, but I wouldn't like it.

What is the Higgs boson itself composed of?
Milk chocolate, but after billions of years it's kind of stale.

Is the activity of the Higgs boson stable?
Generally, except on Saturday nights and those Jewish holidays which feature wine. 

Does the Higgs boson vibrate?
Amazing!  Here's one of the greatest discoveries in the history of the universe and still all you can think about is sex!

What color is the Higgs boson?
They come in red, blue, and floral green.   Matching neutrons are available but must be shipped from neighboring atoms at generally prohibitive cost. 

Does the Higgs boson have a sexual orientation? 
Yes. Openly gay.

Are there more grains of sand at the beach or Higgs bosons in your left ass cheek?
It is a tie. 

If the Higgs boson is the smallest object in the universe, what is the largest?
Chris Christie.   Ta-Dum!

What exactly is a boson?  
A boson is a tiny sub-atomic particle that is one letter off from being the word "bosom."

Why do some people giggle when they say or hear the word "boson?"
No idea.

Can the God Particle make you an offer you can't refuse?
Yes.  And if you do not accept, you may wake up with a quark's head in your bed.

Did Alex Trebeck know about the existence of the Higgs boson?
All along.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Yes, I was so excited to hear about the discovery of the God Particle, I lost my lunch! (depicted above)

The Incredible Shrinking Jew

 OY!
(Dedicated to the science fiction classic "The Incredible Shrinking Man"  of which it is a total rip-off.)

At first I thought perhaps it was caused by the blast from a bizarre radioactive cloud  that I encountered while on a boat I was sailing off the coast of California. 

But that wasn't likely. I don't sail, I get nauseous on boats, and I live in Havertown PA which is 3,000 miles from California. 

And yet I seemed to be smaller in size. My shirt and my jeans were becoming too large for me. Damn that drier, it's supposed to shrink stuff, not make it bigger! 

I continued losing stature. Soon I was staring eye to eye with people who had always been shorter than I was and losing hundreds of dollars because in a staring contest I'm always the first one to giggle.

I went to see Dr. Simpkin.

“Perry,” he intoned  “you are shrinking. You are now 5'7'' tall."

"Dr. Simpkin, that means I've shrunk seven whole inches!"

"No, it means you've shrunk three inches. Stop trying to make a better story by inflating your original height."

"But what's causing it, Doctor? A radioactive cloud left over from 1950's nuclear testing?"

"Again with the making a better story?  No, you’re a 67 year old guy with a spine like a parabola.”

No one tops Dr. Simpkin for bedside manner. 

And so I became.

 "THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING JEW!”

The devastating process continued.

I had to have my clothing altered every day. Three individual Jewish tailors suffered heart attacks from months of saying "So we'll take it in a little ... JESUS CHRIST!!!"

Now common everyday objects became gargantuan to me. I needed two hands to lift things like the television clicker, a spoon, and a toothpick - all items I could have readily lifted before with one hand, not to brag.

Danny DeVito movies played for me like Mothra.

I briefly had an affair with a circus midget. Then I had an affair with one of the Smurfs. Eventually I had an affair with a unicellular animal, but I broke it off because I couldn't handle the asexual reproduction.

One day a cat attacked me and I ran into an open door to the basement, tumbling down the steps into the primeval world of the hunter-gatherer! I thought I might have a shot at getting the hang of gathering as long as it didn’t involve matching socks. 

But hunting?

It’s not that I don’t like the Second Amendment. In fact, it’s my favorite misinterpreted amendment to the Constitution.

Then I saw it! The only thing with eight legs I fear more than the law firm of Mishkin, Mishkin, Rothman, & Butz! Frankly I'm terrified of spiders even when I have the height advantage, but now a monstrous beast loomed before me as huge and massive as Newt Gingrich's head!

I prayed for a gigantic can of Raid Ant and Roach Killer operated by an enormous hand to materialize and dispatch the behemoth, but there's never a gigantic can of Raid Ant and Roach Killer operated by an enormous hand around when you need one. What are all the enormous hands doing all the time, eating donuts with cops?

Then I spied my only salvation: there on the table with the dirty clothes was a pin! I hurled myself forward and grabbed the pin and thrust it into the creature just as it descended upon me.

"I've got you, you big disgusting, ugly, hairy monster!"

I couldn't believe a spider could be so insulting. Or talk, even.

Now I continued to get even smaller. I could no longer be seen by the naked eye, let alone a fully clothed and tastefully appointed eye. 

I walked through the basement and through the grates that led to the outside.
Suddenly I knew that the infinitesimal and the infinite were really two ends of the same concept. The unbelievably small and the unbelievably vast eventually meet - and work hand-in-hand to screw me, as usual. 

I looked up at the firmament, the stars, and God’s silver tapestry spread across the night. Bad weather for golf tomorrow for sure, I’d have to remember to cancel my scheduled match with Daniel Radcliffe.

And I felt my body dwindling, melting, and becoming nothing. Wonder what those Jewish tailors would say now. And then I realized, it all had to mean something. And I meant something too. Yes, smaller than the smallest zero, I meant something too. To God, there is no zero.

I still exist. 

And you know what? It isn't so bad down here after all.

Believe it or not, there's women!  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the ending to the original movie,  click here.  Sorry, it isn't a great copy, but did I charge you anything for any of this?