Destination Mars!

Mars, here I come! 

"Perry Block, you've just been chosen to be one of the 100 eligible individuals to fly to Mars! How do you feel?!!"

"All right.  And you?"

"No, no, I'm asking how do you feel about traveling to Mars as part of the Mars One Project?!"

"Oh, yes. It represents the culmination of a lifetime dream."

"To explore the unknown, to travel into space, to benefit humankind?"

"Nah, to finally win something."

"How did you enter the contest?"

"I had this Cheerios Box, it said no purchase necessary ..." 

"But surely you're excited about traveling to the red planet?"

"I'm not even sure I'd like to travel to a red state."

"How did your family and friends receive the news of your impending departure?"

"Oh, very well. Those that took my call said: 

That's great, Perry, you finally won something; oh, I've got a beep."

"Do you worry about the isolation and loneliness of the journey?"

"If you knew anything about my weekends, you'd know I've got that one covered."

"Have you given any thought to the possibility of meeting alien life forms?"

"Yes, I'm looking forward to meeting Michael Rennie from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Boy, could he rock a suit!"

"Yes, but what if what you find is more like Independence Day?"

"That'd be awful. Death by cliche."

"Or like Mars Attacks, directed by Tim Burton."

"Oh, boy, would my autograph book be out!"

"You know, Perry, you really don't express the kind of enthusiasm many of the other candidates express about the mission. Some have called this the opportunity of a lifetime."

"Oh, sure, if you consider the opportunity of a lifetime the opportunity to be eaten by gigantic space worms."

"Others have said they're thrilled not to be living a 9 to 5 kind of life."

"I wonder if those others gave any thought to playing the mandolin in Nepal as opposed to being vaporized into fertilizer to be spread over purple and pink gnarled plants that goose you as you walk by." 

"What do you think you'll be meditating about as you'll gaze fondly back at earth at night while living on Mars."

"Oh, many things: 

• If Law and Order is still on
• If what's happening on earth is good for the Jews
• If Flo has finally had a makeover
• If the word "boner" is now fully synonymous with Brian Williams
• If Fox News has become an animated cartoon, and lately
• If John Travolta has actually gotten goofier

"Finally, how would you sum up what's ahead for you."

"I am about to begin my five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no person ...."

"Perry, excuse me, but this isn't a five year mission. This is for the rest of  your life."

"Holy crap! I better start reading the back of my Cheerios boxes more carefully!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Am Curious (Red)

With the successful landing of the Curiosity Rover on Mars this past Monday, the search is on.

That is, the search is on to find traces in the Martian soil of organic compounds or of liquid or frozen water so minuscule as to be insignificant even next to the musical talent of the "rock" group ABBA, the discovery of which might indicate that aons ago Mars supported some form of very primitive life.

"Only guy on the late shift again!"  NASA scientist Fred Bowers moaned last night as he examined the latest data sent to Earth from the Curiosity Rover. "Here I am scooping, sifting, testing ...  I feel like a judge at the Pillsbury bake-off!" 

"C'mon, Fred,  get it together, there's too much to do!   Say, who are those two guys who just came onto the screen? Funny, the monitor's color must be off kilter, they look sort of green."

"Greetings, People of Earth!  I am Xanthan Gum and this is Karra Geenan."

"Hey, fellas, Fred Barrows. Where'd you come from?"

"We live here on Mars, where our highly technologically advanced civilization has built a utopia which we have dedicated to peace,  love,  justice,  and science."

"Good for you!"

"Care to see our nearby gleaming futuristic city?"

"No, thank you, I'm kinda busy here."

"Whatcha doin'?"

"You probably wouldn't understand."

"Try us."

"Well,  the spacecraft you're standing next to is known as the Curiosity Rover, and its purpose is to look for trace elements of frozen or liquid water or compounds like carbon."

"Sounds like a waste of time."

"No, no.  You see, if we could determine that there once existed ....  umm .... I'm not sure how to explain this, it's kind of technical ...."

"No matter, Fred.  We could help you dig with our solar powered soil-moving machines. We use them to tunnel hundreds of miles underneath Mars to locate the minerals that give us eternal life, as well as giant penises for all the men." 

"Nice of you two,  but I've got everything I need here on Curiosity."

"Fred, we could share the minerals with the people of Earth.  No charge."

"I don't mean to be impolite, fellas, but I've got a desk full of work here."

"We'll leave you to your primitive devices then."

"Say,  just out of curiosity --- no pun intended ---  how do you guys speak English?"

"We monitor your radio and television broadcasts, of course.  Mars loves that King of all Media!  But why does anyone listen to ABBA?"

"Nobody really knows.  Bye now."

"Damned nice guys," thought Fred Barrows, as he turned back to the myriad computations he had to run on the latest excavated square centimeter of Martian soil. 

"Wish I had more time to talk. If Curiosity doesn't get me anywhere today, maybe I'll stick 'em in a footnote in my report."

~~~~~~~~~~~~