I'm a little late to the party in putting together my list of resolutions for 2016, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.
Nonetheless I have compiled a list of behaviors of mine which could use a bit of improvement and condensed the resulting 375 items down to a concise list of ten, each of which I will fail to achieve but will come close enough to so that I can act like I made the effort.
Here then are my Top Ten Resolutions Late But Great for 2016:
1) I will stop and smell the roses. Then I will bust my ass to make up the time wasted.
2) I will do something that greatly benefits and enhances the stature of the Jewish people. I will convert to another religion.
3) I will work on improving my memory. I will work on improving my memory.
4) I will stop whining about being older. I will whine about everything.
5) I will learn how to definitively say "no" when someone asks me to do something I truly don't want to do, especially when it involves someone asking me to get out of bed.
6) I will be more genuine, sincere, and real with others around me. That way I'll be better able to con them when I need to exploit them for something.
7) I will volunteer to work for sane and reasonable gun control because that damn NRA gets me so mad I could just shoot every one of those fuckers!
8) I will be less self-deprecating because even a schmuck like me doesn't always screw up.
9) At long last I will find deep, true, and abiding love. Then I'll turn off the Hallmark Channel and have a snack.
10) I will always remember to be in the moment, that moment being 4:36 P.M. June 1, 1973.
And this moment being January 2, 2016, I wish you a .....
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Now let's get out there and start breaking the shit out of our respective resolutions!
Finally a resolution list worth busting your ass trying to achieve...
Very good. But curiously...what happened on June 1, 1973 at 4:36 pm?
True, and I plan to bust my ass achieving it, especially Number 5. Thanks for writing!
Actually ... nothing, just like most of the other moments.
I don't know why you even added #4 & #8. Those are the two things we can always count on you doing extremely well.
So what will you whine about now? Old women with leaky bladders?
To answer that, check out the next post.
Well, I had the Old Women part right. Too bad you didn't bring up leaky bladders.
I have to be careful. I don't want her to get too into me.
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