I'm a little late to the party in putting together my list of resolutions for 2016, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.
Nonetheless I have compiled a list of behaviors of mine which could use a bit of improvement and condensed the resulting 375 items down to a concise list of ten, each of which I will fail to achieve but will come close enough to so that I can act like I made the effort.
Here then are my Top Ten Resolutions Late But Great for 2016:
1) I will stop and smell the roses. Then I will bust my ass to make up the time wasted.
2) I will do something that greatly benefits and enhances the stature of the Jewish people. I will convert to another religion.
3) I will work on improving my memory. I will work on improving my memory.
4) I will stop whining about being older. I will whine about everything.
5) I will learn how to definitively say "no" when someone asks me to do something I truly don't want to do, especially when it involves someone asking me to get out of bed.
6) I will be more genuine, sincere, and real with others around me. That way I'll be better able to con them when I need to exploit them for something.
7) I will volunteer to work for sane and reasonable gun control because that damn NRA gets me so mad I could just shoot every one of those fuckers!
8) I will be less self-deprecating because even a schmuck like me doesn't always screw up.
9) At long last I will find deep, true, and abiding love. Then I'll turn off the Hallmark Channel and have a snack.
10) I will always remember to be in the moment, that moment being 4:36 P.M. June 1, 1973.
And this moment being January 2, 2016, I wish you a .....
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Now let's get out there and start breaking the shit out of our respective resolutions!