Saturday, January 2, 2016

Resolutions Late But Great


I'm a little late to the party in putting together my list of resolutions for 2016, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.

Nonetheless I have compiled a list of behaviors of mine which could use a bit of improvement and condensed the resulting 375 items down to a concise list of ten, each of which I will fail to achieve but will come close enough to so that I can act like I made the effort. 

Here then are my Top Ten Resolutions Late But Great for 2016:  

1) I will stop and smell the roses. Then I will bust my ass to make up the time wasted. 

2) I will do something that greatly benefits and enhances the stature of the Jewish people.  I will convert to another religion.

3) I will work on improving my memory.  I will work on improving my memory.

4) I will stop whining about being older.  I will whine about everything.

5) I will learn how to definitively say "no" when someone asks me to do something I truly don't want to do, especially when it involves someone asking me to get out of bed.

6) I will be more genuine, sincere, and real with others around me.  That way I'll be better able to con them when I need to exploit them for something. 

7) I will volunteer to work for sane and reasonable gun control because that damn NRA gets me so mad I could just shoot every one of those fuckers!

8) I will be less self-deprecating because even a schmuck like me doesn't always screw up.

9) At long last I will find deep, true, and abiding love.  Then I'll turn off the Hallmark Channel and have a snack. 

10) I will always remember to be in the moment, that moment being 4:36 P.M. June 1, 1973. 


And this moment being January 2, 2016, I wish you a .....


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Now let's get out there and start breaking the shit out of our respective resolutions!

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8 comments:

  1. Finally a resolution list worth busting your ass trying to achieve...

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    1. True, and I plan to bust my ass achieving it, especially Number 5. Thanks for writing!

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  2. Very good. But curiously...what happened on June 1, 1973 at 4:36 pm?

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    1. Actually ... nothing, just like most of the other moments.

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  3. I don't know why you even added #4 & #8. Those are the two things we can always count on you doing extremely well.

    So what will you whine about now? Old women with leaky bladders?

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    1. To answer that, check out the next post.

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  4. Well, I had the Old Women part right. Too bad you didn't bring up leaky bladders.

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    1. I have to be careful. I don't want her to get too into me.

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