Monday, June 11, 2012

When It's Your Turn to Speak, DON'T!

When it's your turn to speak, DON'T!

Until you read the list below.

Gleaned from my over 30 years of avoiding public speaking,  here are:

Twenty Essential Rules for Outstanding Public Speaking Even You Can't Screw Up

1)  Show up. 

2)  Bring own scotch.

3)  Prepare!  Prepare !  Prepare!  To Die! To Die! To Die! 

4)  Imagine you are Morgan Freeman

5) Suck up shamelessly to the meeting host, especially if the host is me.

6) Mingle with the audience and attempt to learn issues relevant to the group to incorporate into your presentation. Also try to connect with some undiscriminating hottie.

7) Keep in mind audience members are on your side and want you to do well. Except for the ones who don’t.

8) Don't shout "Turkey Neck, Turkey Neck" to audience members who look like Mitch McConnell. 

9) Exhibit excellent posture. If audience members begin shouting  "Esmeralda! Flee, Esmeralda!"  I'd look into it.

10) Actually be Morgan Freeman.

11) Open speech with amusing anecdote about leaden containment structures.

12)  Don't spit when you speak, but if you do, make sure to hit the fat guy in the second row.

13) Avoid corny cliches. That way your presentation will be out of this world!

14) Only speak in ancient Sumerian when discussing critical Best Practices points.

15) Avoid addressing B'nai B'rith group decked out in full Nazi regalia.

16) Don't respond to questions with "What do you think I look like – Wikipedia?"

17) Stop eating huge rind of gorgonzola cheese when coming to the conclusion.

18)  Although counter-intuitive, don't wrap up presentation with a pitch for Amway products.

19) Always leave 'em with the old soft shoe! 

20)  If you haven't already, check fly.  Zip up as appropriate



Jenny Hansen said...

Love it, Perry!

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Jenny, but I think it needs a bit more Cowbell ...

Caroline Gerardo said...

You would be amazed that a poet uses not a cowbell but a whistle and does bird calls. Once two sparrows joined the audience, it was better than any magic trick I could dream ...

Perry Block said...


I'm just hoping those two sparrows weren't too disappointed when they found out.

As for me, lay those funky bird calls on me anytime!

Anna Gustafson said...

Inigo Montoya would LOVE this. 25 notes to self for next gig, thanks.

Perry Block said...

You're right, Anna, it was Inigo Montoya taught me that trick.

But I eliminate the annoying five minutes of swordplay that's supposed to follow because I can never Christopher Guest to show up.

Thanks for commenting. And I do care about your hair. Deeply.