Resolutions Late But Great II

I'm a little late to the party in putting together my resolutions for 2018, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.

I'm ready now. Just watch me as I sink my teeth into the following resolutions! And leave my teeth stuck in the following resolutions.

For 2018, I resolve to:


1) Resign my presidency of the Kevin Spacey Fan Club.

2) Never play golf with Trump at Mar-A-Lago unless he allows me to hit from the Ladies Tees.

3) Demonstrate my support of the #MeToo movement by always waiting a couple of minutes after everyone's left the room before pulling a Louis C.K.

4) Welcome my new grandchild into the world! Since I don't expect to have one, I'm marking this one down right now as Fully Kept!

5) Become Roy Moore's Jew attorney.

6) Never spill drinks at any time.I won't spill. I'm positive of that! I'm going to put all my energy into never fucking spilling!!!  I won't spill I tell you!!!  Never!!!  Never ever!!! .....  (Oh, crap, I'm sorry.) 

7) Go to a boner doctor. Maybe medical science has advanced since last time.

8) "Forget my troubles, c'mon get happy, I'm gonna chase all my cares away, shout hallelujah, c'mon get happy, I'm comin' to the judgment day; the sun is shinin', c'mon get happy, the lord is waitin' to take my hand, shout hallelujah, c'mon get happy, I'm goin' to the Promised Land ..." and then I'm gonna go out and get totally shit faced.

9) Resign my presidency of the Charlie Rose Fan Club.  Damn it, the one lousy thing in my life that made me feel like an intellectual!

10) Drink eight glasses of water a day. Then sink every cent I've got in Class A Depends stock.

Match That, Folks!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Resolutions Late But Great

I'm a little late to the party in putting together my list of resolutions for 2016, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.

Nonetheless I have compiled a list of behaviors of mine which could use a bit of improvement and condensed the resulting 375 items down to a concise list of ten, each of which I will fail to achieve but will come close enough to so that I can act like I made the effort. 

Here then are my Top Ten Resolutions Late But Great for 2016:  

1) I will stop and smell the roses. Then I will bust my ass to make up the time wasted. 

2) I will do something that greatly benefits and enhances the stature of the Jewish people.  I will convert to another religion.

3) I will work on improving my memory.  I will work on improving my memory.

4) I will stop whining about being older.  I will whine about everything.

5) I will learn how to definitively say "no" when someone asks me to do something I truly don't want to do, especially when it involves someone asking me to get out of bed.

6) I will be more genuine, sincere, and real with others around me.  That way I'll be better able to con them when I need to exploit them for something. 

7) I will volunteer to work for sane and reasonable gun control because that damn NRA gets me so mad I could just shoot every one of those fuckers!

8) I will be less self-deprecating because even a schmuck like me doesn't always screw up.

9) At long last I will find deep, true, and abiding love.  Then I'll turn off the Hallmark Channel and have a snack. 

10) I will always remember to be in the moment, that moment being 4:36 P.M. June 1, 1973. 


And this moment being January 2, 2016, I wish you a .....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Now let's get out there and start breaking the shit out of our respective resolutions!

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You Say You Want a Resolution Part II

Have You Made Your List Yet?

Herein my list of resolutions for the New Year.   Have you made yours yet?   

Then what are you going to feel guilty about this time next year?

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1) I will live bold, fearless, and unafraid.  I'd like to talk to you about it but you scare me. 

2) I will live outside my comfort zone at all times, my comfort zone being the hall bathroom.

3) I will begin to more prudently invest my money, starting with moving it out from inside my mattress.

4) I will hang with hot super models, including all the really hot super model trucks from Revell and Motor World. 

5) I will become totally gender neutral in my treatment of others, both men and babes alike.

6) I will visit the Philadelphia Art Museum often, because it's warm there.

7) I will make some new friends to compensate for the friends I have alienated this past year and then alienate them too.

8) I will get over my inferiority complex such that I will truly believe in myself, even though I am inferior.

9) I will be slow to criticize others unless they are standing on my foot.

10) I resolve to Carpe Diem each and every single day of my life! Also to take a long nap every day.

11)  I will only drink juice with no sugar added.  I'm getting enough sugar from my carton of Coke a day anyway. 

12) I resolve to stop procrastinating just as soon as I finish all my other resolutions.

13) I resolve that I will resign as President of the "Bill Cosby-America's Dad Association."

14) I will stop using the word "fuck" because it cheapens modern day discourse and shows a lack of creativity in usage of  the English language. However I will use "fucking" as much as possible. 

15) I will read all the plays authored by the great William Shakespeare right after I read a very credible article that convinces me that the great William Shakespeare didn't actually author any.

16) I will watch less television and spend less time on Twitter and will use the time I have saved doing drugs.

17) I will ask Seth Rogen and James Franco if they have any good non-offensive ideas for my blog.  

18) I will try to engage someone of an opposing political point of view in a meaningful, respectful, and constructive dialogue, even though most people of an opposing political viewpoint are idiots. 

19)  I will not make fun of the names Han Solo, Peter Parker, Jack Johnson,  or Hugh Jackman in the new year, so I'm going to go crazy making fun of them through midnight tomorrow night.

20) I will shop exclusively at Whole Foods from now on, not because I give a damn about healthy eating but because I'm much more likely to find well-preseved women my age there than at Super Fresh or Acme.

Have a Great New Year, Everyone!

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You Say You Want a Resolution?

You say you want a resolution?

Actually, you don't.  You should want to make a resolution for 2013 about as much as you want discretion lessons from General Petraeus. 

New Year's resolutions are the source of more guilt than a battalion of Jewish mothers.  A 2007 survey showed that 88% of all people who set New Year's resolutions fail to keep them, a figure we know to be reliable because the researcher performing the survey had resolved for 2007 to be slipshod and inaccurate in surveys about resolutions.

And face facts: there's little doubt the 12% of folks who actually succeed with their resolutions have been keeping every one made since birth, unlike you and me who've been breaking them regularly since we first resolved to stop sucking on our pacifiers in the middle of the last century. 

So you still say you want a resolution?  Here's why you don't:

1) Increase your vocabulary. 
Want to start throwing words like indolent and ingenuous around?   Dude, you're not about to be hired by the New York Review of Books and the lazy and simple-minded idiots you hang with wouldn't understand you anyway.

2) Get a better job.
In this economy?  Look, you're putting food on the table.  Granted it's a very small table.

3) Stop your excessive drinking.
Instead, join the Republican Party; you'll learn all about the wasteful federal programs for the 47% who won't take responsibility for their own lives.  Sign up for each one and pretty soon you'll be living better than Mitt Romney.  And you'll still be drinking!

4) Watch less television.
There's a rumor Kim Kardashian might take off her top this year.  You going to miss that? 

5)  Lose weight.
So you get on a scale and it makes a highly audible "BOINGGG" sound and the needle spins like a seismograph in the middle of an earthquake. Sure, you could resolve to lose weight but if you're over 45 nobody's going to want to have sex with you anyway. Relax and enjoy the Swedish meatballs. 

6) Stop procrastinating
I'll come up with a rationalization for this one later.

7) Volunteer to help those suffering through a disaster.  
 Why? What did the victims of Hurricane Sandy ever do for you all the years you were married?

8) Join a gym.
Gyms and fitness centers in January look like the national convention of the American Society of Endormorphs & Ectomorphs. By February they resemble a 3-D audiovisual depiction of your social life.  Why hand money over to a cynical corporation so thoroughly on to you?

9)  Stop Biting Your Nails.
Yeah, you could do this. Odds are you're going to wind up biting something else, like my nails or the nails of the guy on the bus next to you. 

10) Be a Better Person.
You?

Hope all of this is helpful.  But what, after all, is the one true reason that you ought to never say you want a resolution?

That's the one.

Happy New Year! 

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