The Year of Perry Block

Yeah.  I'd like to.  Just tell me Fucking How!

This year - 2018 - will be The Year of Perry Block.

That's because this year will see the publishing of my very first book, the eponymously named - as is my blog - Perry Block, Nouveau Old Formerly Cute.

There is one thing for sure about The Year of Perry Block:  I am going to promote the living crap out of the book in order to maximize the number of folks who buy it.   And there's no time to start like the present, namely the small get-together I attended last night ...

"Happy New Year, Mark. Did you know that this year I am publishing my first ever book?"

"That's great, Perry!  I knew you could do it."

"You know, Mark, when you write a book ..."

"Excuse me, Perry, did you happen to notice if they have any dip here?"

"No, I didn't.  But getting back to my book, I had the idea to..."

"I'm going to go look for dip. Maybe they got hummus even! See you later.”

Well, I guess not everyone is interested in literary matters. Just then I saw my good friend Ellen come through the front door. The two of us have gone through quite a lot together and I even helped her quit smoking.

“Ellen, great to see you!”

“Same here, Perry.  Have you bumped into Ralph yet?”

"No, I haven't. But I wanted to tell you about my book. It’s called …”

"Excuse me, but I’ve got to find Ralph!  I understand he’s had a bad case of athlete's foot and I just have to see how he’s doing!”

“But you barely know Ralph! He just moved here from Cleveland!”

“There he is! OMG, he might even have cellulitis! I’ll talk to you later.”

Yeah, athlete’s foot can be kind of painful and I’ve only known Ellen some 35-40 years. Now there's our genial host, my good buddy Farbman!

"Thanks for having me, Farbman. I don't often get invited out on New Year's Eve so I was happy to pass up both Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper for you.”

                      

"Glad you could come! Hey, I understand you're publishing a book this year."

"I sure am! it’s been quite an experience too."

"I'll bet. Well, I have to attend to my other guests, got to put out more dip. Maybe hummus.  And I have to see Ralph, our new friend from Cleveland; he's got a bad case of athletes' foot,  it might even be cellulitis!” 

“But, Farbman, this is my whole life wrapped up in ...`"

"There's Ralph, talking to Ellen.  He looks terrible!"

Yeah,  just like I'm feeling.

"Hi, Perry. I'm Bob.  Heard you wrote a book."

"Want dip, Bob? It’s in the kitchen, Bob! Ralph from Cleveland is eating it, Bob! 
He can’t be that bad if he’s standing up eating hummus, Bob!" 

I guess marketing a book is going to be a bit tougher than I thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ring In The Not-So-New

In the style of  the Onion*

Speaking publicly today, area man Lance Goldberg stated that to his dismay he cannot ascertain that anything whatsoever has changed since 2014 ended and 2015 began.

"It's uncanny!" exclaimed Mr. Goldberg. "I was at a party recently where people were drinking and celebrating because the year 2014 was expiring and being replaced by new year 2015, and we watched throngs in Times Square in New York City cheering wildly as an enormous festively lit and decorated ball dropped through the night sky to signify the event."

"Naturally after all that hoopla, you'd expect all kinds of things to immediately change," said Goldberg, "but not a damn thing is different!"

"So what the hell were we celebrating? An arbitrary blip on the calendar?" 

According to Goldberg, the same scandals, corruption, and shootings are in the news in 2015 as in 2014. Kim Kardashian is still considered hot copy in 2015, just as in 2014. And most people are still saying "expresso" instead of "espresso" in 2015, just as in 2014.

"I am especially amazed that that those stupid quizzes like What Kind of Furball Are You? are still on Buzzfeed and other websites in 2015, just as in 2014," noted Goldberg.

Mr. Goldberg has painstakingly compiled a list of over 9,000 things that have remained the same in 2015 as in 2014, which includes the difficulty of pronouncing and spelling the name "Benedict Cumberbatch," Mr. Goldberg's own wife's highly disagreeable disposition, and how tricky it is to get lasagna stains out of crushed velvet.

"It's unbelievable but I have yet to find anything that has changed," commented Goldberg.  "Best I can determine is that maybe the normal massive annual changes sometimes skip a year and that when 2015 makes way for 2016, hold on to your hats!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 *I didn't say as good as the Onion, just in the style of. 

You Say You Want a Resolution Part II

Have You Made Your List Yet?

Herein my list of resolutions for the New Year.   Have you made yours yet?   

Then what are you going to feel guilty about this time next year?

~~~~~~~

1) I will live bold, fearless, and unafraid.  I'd like to talk to you about it but you scare me. 

2) I will live outside my comfort zone at all times, my comfort zone being the hall bathroom.

3) I will begin to more prudently invest my money, starting with moving it out from inside my mattress.

4) I will hang with hot super models, including all the really hot super model trucks from Revell and Motor World. 

5) I will become totally gender neutral in my treatment of others, both men and babes alike.

6) I will visit the Philadelphia Art Museum often, because it's warm there.

7) I will make some new friends to compensate for the friends I have alienated this past year and then alienate them too.

8) I will get over my inferiority complex such that I will truly believe in myself, even though I am inferior.

9) I will be slow to criticize others unless they are standing on my foot.

10) I resolve to Carpe Diem each and every single day of my life! Also to take a long nap every day.

11)  I will only drink juice with no sugar added.  I'm getting enough sugar from my carton of Coke a day anyway. 

12) I resolve to stop procrastinating just as soon as I finish all my other resolutions.

13) I resolve that I will resign as President of the "Bill Cosby-America's Dad Association."

14) I will stop using the word "fuck" because it cheapens modern day discourse and shows a lack of creativity in usage of  the English language. However I will use "fucking" as much as possible. 

15) I will read all the plays authored by the great William Shakespeare right after I read a very credible article that convinces me that the great William Shakespeare didn't actually author any.

16) I will watch less television and spend less time on Twitter and will use the time I have saved doing drugs.

17) I will ask Seth Rogen and James Franco if they have any good non-offensive ideas for my blog.  

18) I will try to engage someone of an opposing political point of view in a meaningful, respectful, and constructive dialogue, even though most people of an opposing political viewpoint are idiots. 

19)  I will not make fun of the names Han Solo, Peter Parker, Jack Johnson,  or Hugh Jackman in the new year, so I'm going to go crazy making fun of them through midnight tomorrow night.

20) I will shop exclusively at Whole Foods from now on, not because I give a damn about healthy eating but because I'm much more likely to find well-preseved women my age there than at Super Fresh or Acme.

Have a Great New Year, Everyone!

~~~~~~~~~

Just a Couple of Trees Talkin' on Tu B'Shvat

Tu B'sWhat?  Here's what ...

This short post is about the holiday of Tu B'Shvat.  And if you're a gentile, secular Jew, or almost any Jew other than a highly observant one,  you're forgiven if your immediate response is: 

Tu B'sWhat?

Nestled in mid to late January,  Tu B'Shvat is the hardly heralded Jewish holiday in honor of  trees, literally "the New Year for the Trees." And although it's a meaningful holiday, if the idea of a New Year's Eve for Trees strikes you as a little odd ... rest assured you're not alone.  

"Happy New Year, Maple Max!"

"Happy New Year to you too, Spruce Sammy."

"Yeah, New Year's Eve! Oh boy, oh boy!  Umm, Max?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"What do we do now?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's New Year's Eve!  Party time! Where are the party hats, the noisemakers, the hangin' with hot young saplings?!  Where's that special kiss on the leaves come twelve midnight?!!" 

"Umm, Sammy?"

"Yes?"

"We won't be doing any of that stuff."

"No? What will we be doing tonight then, Max?"

"Practicing photosynthesis. Growing bark. Maybe ... just maybe ... taking a few hits of CO2 later."  

"But ... but .... what about the parties?"

"We're trees, Sammy.  How would we get to any parties?"  

"Oh, right. Mobility's not our best thing."

"Yep,  I'd give up any dreams of becoming a travel writer if I were you."

"But there must be some excitement for us on New Year's, Max."

"Oh, there is: Tomorrow morning the humans stop by and give thanks to us."

"FANTASTIC!  The humans bring us gold, frankincense, and myrrh ... whatever myrrh is!"

"Sammy?"

"Yeah, Max?"

"The humans pat us on the trunk a coupla times and bolt."

"That's it?  Well, then there can't be all that much they have to thank us for!" 

"Only most of their basic food supply. And the nourishment of animals which supply all the rest.  Shade. Wood for their tools, dwellings, and other amenities of life.  And a little thing called oxygen."

"Gee,  you'd think all that would at least be worth an I-pad."

"Better get some sleep, kid."

"Well, next year in Jerusalem, Max!"

"Uh, kid?"

"Yes, Max?"

"We live in Philadelphia.  Can't really change that."

"Oh, yeah.  Mobility thing."    

"That's it."

"Well, goodnight, Max!"

"Goodnight, Sammy."

"Umm,  Max?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"No question about it; Tu B'Shvat is a great holiday. But if this is supposed to be our New Year's Eve, OY, spare me from dateless Saturdays in February!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note:  This year, Tu B'Shvat is January 26, 2013.  Make sure and hug a tree.
They deserve it.

A Date with That Guy

A date with that guy?  Tonight even?

Eileen had recently met one Perry Block and since he seemed nice she said yes to his faltering invitation.  True, he was kind of old, kind of bald, and any looks he'd had must have been long in the rear view mirror, but why not?

He arrived at nine. Three or so hours later, her world was rocked!

Explosions!  Fireworks! Yes, the Earth damn near moved! 

Perry had gotten Eileen in the sack that night well before twelve o'clock! 

By dropping her off about 10:30 because of her "headache," so she could go to bed early.

It was New Year's Eve.

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Picture prompt above, story below, 101 words . ... well, yeah, the story's kind of  a cheat and maybe a bit obvious,  but I couldn't resist.  Probably better than if I'd given you a story about The Honeymooners or Love American Style, which might have been a bit long ago and far away except for Boomers who remember such things.

For more about this weeks Fabulous Flyin' Fantasy Fictioneers' offerings,  please click on the page of our very explosive leader, one Rochelle Wisoff Fields. 

The Earth will move for you too. 

You Say You Want a Resolution?

You say you want a resolution?

Actually, you don't.  You should want to make a resolution for 2013 about as much as you want discretion lessons from General Petraeus. 

New Year's resolutions are the source of more guilt than a battalion of Jewish mothers.  A 2007 survey showed that 88% of all people who set New Year's resolutions fail to keep them, a figure we know to be reliable because the researcher performing the survey had resolved for 2007 to be slipshod and inaccurate in surveys about resolutions.

And face facts: there's little doubt the 12% of folks who actually succeed with their resolutions have been keeping every one made since birth, unlike you and me who've been breaking them regularly since we first resolved to stop sucking on our pacifiers in the middle of the last century. 

So you still say you want a resolution?  Here's why you don't:

1) Increase your vocabulary. 
Want to start throwing words like indolent and ingenuous around?   Dude, you're not about to be hired by the New York Review of Books and the lazy and simple-minded idiots you hang with wouldn't understand you anyway.

2) Get a better job.
In this economy?  Look, you're putting food on the table.  Granted it's a very small table.

3) Stop your excessive drinking.
Instead, join the Republican Party; you'll learn all about the wasteful federal programs for the 47% who won't take responsibility for their own lives.  Sign up for each one and pretty soon you'll be living better than Mitt Romney.  And you'll still be drinking!

4) Watch less television.
There's a rumor Kim Kardashian might take off her top this year.  You going to miss that? 

5)  Lose weight.
So you get on a scale and it makes a highly audible "BOINGGG" sound and the needle spins like a seismograph in the middle of an earthquake. Sure, you could resolve to lose weight but if you're over 45 nobody's going to want to have sex with you anyway. Relax and enjoy the Swedish meatballs. 

6) Stop procrastinating
I'll come up with a rationalization for this one later.

7) Volunteer to help those suffering through a disaster.  
 Why? What did the victims of Hurricane Sandy ever do for you all the years you were married?

8) Join a gym.
Gyms and fitness centers in January look like the national convention of the American Society of Endormorphs & Ectomorphs. By February they resemble a 3-D audiovisual depiction of your social life.  Why hand money over to a cynical corporation so thoroughly on to you?

9)  Stop Biting Your Nails.
Yeah, you could do this. Odds are you're going to wind up biting something else, like my nails or the nails of the guy on the bus next to you. 

10) Be a Better Person.
You?

Hope all of this is helpful.  But what, after all, is the one true reason that you ought to never say you want a resolution?

That's the one.

Happy New Year! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Very Grenchly Christmas

In the current tough economy, it's nice that many corporations are going the extra mile to display sensitivity towards employees fearful of losing their jobs and livelihoods. 

One such company is the Philadelphia area's world-famed Sunoco, which took the heart-warming step of announcing the expedited closing of its Marcus Hook PA plant on December 1, smack dab at the beginning of the Holiday Season. 

The annual Holiday Party is another way some companies are choosing to calm the jitters of employees in these difficult and sensitive times ....

"Welcome to the 2011 Annual  Grenchly Company Holiday Party!   As a rarefied few of you know, I'm Barton Grenchly, President and CEO of Grenchly Company. 

I wish I had the opportunity to get to know a small number of the remainder of you, but sadly the Penthouse Suite Offices are seven floors above the rest of the company, the elevator above the company floors  requiring a special key,  security code,  and ability to successfully body wrestle a 350 pound goon-like thug named Bungo in order to unlock, and there are only so many hours in the day, beginning with my being chauffeured in to work at 10:30 A.M. and airlifted  to the Forbidden Embers Golf Club in Palm Springs CA at 2:15  shortly thereafter.

As I look over the sea of unfamiliar and more or less unattractive faces before me, I want you  to know that I believe firmly that our employees are our most valuable asset! Also, your check is in the mail, I was just about to call you, and I won't .... well, I'll just leave it at that!

We have a delectable  array of foods and beverages catered for you tonight  by The House of Ptomaine, one of our fine Grenchly subsidiaries, and music for your dancing pleasure by the Mel Grenchly Five, a rather tuneless assemblage of non-talents which at least serves to keep my idiot nephew Mel out of the company.

Now I have just one final announcement before I bid you all an enjoyable party,  a wonderful evening, and a very joyous and happy Holiday Season.  Owing to extremely difficult conditions in the economy at large and at the Grenchly Company in specific ....  

• Tables 1 through 14 will be downsized at the conclusion of the hors d'oeuvres, 

• Tables 15 - 27 downsized  immediately following the main course,  and 

• Tables 28 - 32 will have straight 25% salary reductions imposed across the board at the conclusion of coffee and dessert (a delicious strawberry souffle!) to remain in effect until probable downsizing  New Year's Eve Day,  Martin Luther King Day,  or Valentine's Day.

Please be advised that your Separation Agreements are being placed on your tables as we speak. 

Please sign and return ASAP as the Open Bar this evening is the primary component of your Separation Package,  and I'm sure you'll want to make maximum use of this generous benefit up to the mandatory limit of one watered down drink per employee due to corporate liability requirements.

 Have a Wonderful Holiday,  Everyone!   

And .... oh, yeah .....  

Best Wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year Ahead!"

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Worst Holiday Ever

(r to l) Out with the Old, In with the New

Welcome to the Worst Holiday Ever!

New Year’s Eve.

It’s that special time of the year that perennially signals the re-realization that the last 365 days have zoomed by like 365 seconds and that not only have you once again failed to achieve your hopes, dreams, and aspirations, you can’t even find your comb.

And this we celebrate with noisemakers and party hats!

New Year’s Eve is a holiday by default. Christmas and Hanukkah have just ended but we’re not yet ready to stop all that fa-la-la-la-la-ing, dreideling, and wassailing, wassailing all over the town we've gotten used to. We want to pretend there is a “Wintry Season of Fun” that continues to keep rockin' on, but realize we need a marker to bring it to a close other than the first White Sale at Macy’s.

Thus, we have collectively commissioned New Year’s Eve as the Hired Hitman for the Holiday Season. After New Year’s Eve, the holidays are found floating in the East River and all tidings of comfort and joy must go at savings of 60% or more.

We celebrate this dubious occasion with three traditional holiday pastimes:

1) The Do I Sit Home Feeling Miserable or Check Out What’s-his-Face’s Likely to be Lousy Party? Guessing Game.

2) The Feign I’m Feeling Festive Now that I’ve Forayed Out into the 8 Degree Wind Chill and Turns Out I Don’t Know a Soul Here Except for That Bastard Weinstein! Charades, and

3) The There’s Got To Be, Just Got To Be, Something Remotely Edible Here Beyond Trail Mix Scavenger Hunt.

All of the above holiday traditions are enjoyed with alcoholic refreshment in the form of champagne which somehow was mis en bouteille in the very town where you live and has a “better if used before“ date and with lively and spirited conversation, which nobody seems to care to make with you!

New Year’s Eve also has the distinction of being the only holiday that dares to replace its patron saint. Dick Clark --- the heart and soul of New Year’s Eve from the time the first dinosaur decided it might look a bit spiffier for the occasion if it began putting on feathers --- has over the past few years seen his annual role shockingly diminished. Could anybody imagine Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Moses the Lawgiver, or any of the other great hallowed figures of the holidays being similarly sacked in favor of Ryan Seacrest?

“It’s that time everybody!” shouts our genial host, flicking on the TV and beginning to pass out champagne that comes from one of those cartons that looks like it ought to contain motor oil. From high above Times Square, the New Year’s Eve Ball begins to drop, along with my stomach. 

“10 --- 9 --- 8 …” jovially calls out everyone in the room.

Another year to be writing the wrong dates on checks until March. Another year of shattered resolutions, were I to ever make any.

“7 --- 6 --- 5 …” continues Carson Daly, Yutz No. 2 who bids fair to unseat the venerable Mr. Clark.

Another year of existence on the planet now forever in the rear view mirror. Another year ahead of bizarre social trends, goofy new words, and uber-tattooed celebrities, and still I can’t figure out the 'poke' feature on Facebook! 

“4 ---3 --- 2 …” chants Mr. Daly and all assembled...

"Don’t do it,” I cry out!   “Please don’t drop! 

Everyone in the room turns and stares.

"Go the hell back up! Climb, climb, climb back up, you son of a bitch!!!

But the damn ball never listens. Never has, never will.

“2 ---1 --- ..." you get the drift.

Much to the relief of my host, that bastard Weinstein, and everyone else at the party, I’m back in the 8 degree wind chill and on my way home. New Year’s Eve is over.

I should be relieved, but I’m not. In a few hours comes the holiday that many think is even worse than the Hired Hitman for the Holiday Season: New Year’s Day.

Happy White Sales, Everybody!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~